You hear it often from people with Aspergers, psychiatrists, family members and exes – people with Aspergers are incapable of love. I think you all know what my point of view is on this and I’m working on making a a great huge post for valentines day and I would love to see what you have to say on this. Do you think people with Aspergers can fall in love? Do you think they are capable of loving neurotypical (non autistic) people or just autistic people? What makes you think this?
I think that this is a hot topic and I believe I should have a well rounded opinion from many people.
{ 282 comments… read them below or add one }
My Neurotypical husband and I have been happily married for 35 yrs.. My NT daughter (29) is very close to both of us, and tells me often how much she felt loved by both of us all her life.
How are things lately? I’m not the horrid sort that you thought. Had my second relationship for a year and a half with an AS woman out of Indiana. The distance was too much for us, she’s sought someone closer to her home.
My daughter and I are writing a book on my life with notes included by her as my daughter. I think this will answer a lot of questions. NT doctors know very little about AS people. They only know stereotyped outwards signs.. they do not know us.
You are right. I am a NT artist and out of 5 AS artists that I’ve met and taught (I’m an art teacher)-1 “loves” me back in a manner expressed with smiles, hugs and wanting to be around me. But another person with AS, who rarely smiles and reluctantly and stiffly accepts my hugs also spends time me conversing, working, sharing preferences, dislikes and dreams. Together, we can sit on a stone wall and catch every visual nuance of clouds over a hill as we draw the landscape side-by-side. this person is ever so loyal to be there by me when I most need. Each of these individuals are very positive when they see me and prefer to see me over a lot of people. I enjoy being with them too. So what is love? Don’t we all experience varying degrees of love differently?
People with Aspergers definitely can love – it is often shown in a different manner then a NT would show though.
I agree with you Jeff. They express love in a different way because they are special people. People just need to look inside their hearts to understand.
The whole idea of an Aspie being incapable of love derives from the equally ridiculous notion that empathy is also impossible. Empathy can be learned and I for one can attest to that, having been married for 18 years. Sympathy is also a factor that can be learned, and there are members of the NT community who use that capacity to understand us all on the Spectrum. I just wish there were more of them willing to shut down the morons who try to make us look bad and make them realise that they are the ones in the minority and not us and our supporters.
I know one person who takes this one step further and believes that we are incapable of having sex, which is even more ridiculous.
There’s a part of the DSM-IV codes that refers to us not wanting to share (IIRC – it’s something like that) and I personally think that’s something of a misnomer that really only applies to the lower end of the Spectrum. I for one want to share, and no doubt there will be others in a similar boat. Heck, having a personal website is a way to share (even if it might be slightly off the topic on that point) and how many Aspies have websites? Way more than just me and Zach, that’s for sure!
Sharing is a crucial part of love – and that’s a great feeling, being able to share everything with someone. Both ways. That’s true love in my book and us Aspies can do it!
Thanks for writing and sharing that. I believe you as a father to an AS son i know you are right.
My AS husband refuses to talk with anyone except me about his emotions or emotional issues. He becomes catatonic under emotional stress, and he believes that since I am the one who causes his stress, I need to change. When an AS man refuses to talk with anyone who might help him learn empathy and sympathy, there is no hope for a relationship, just dependency. My husband believes that marriage means that he is supposed to support me the way he can — financially — and I am supposed to meet his needs for affection, respect, and sex. That’s not marriage, that’s prostitution. I am sick of Aspies judging NTs if they cannot survive a living death for the sake of a person who is not able to recognize the other person as another person.
J.L. I hear exactly what you are saying. At least your AS husband will talk with you about emotional issues. My AS wife won’t even do that. Your comment about surviving a living death really hit home. In our house I am the one that provides the financial support, the affection, respect, and sex. I have gone over 25 years without ever being approached with a hug or a kiss or an I love you from her. Thank God my kids are not that way. This isn’t a marriage I have, it’s a terrible existance with another person. And when I read books on how to save a marriage they always start with, “how to get the love back in your marriage.” If the love was never there, there ain’t no getting it back.
To answer the main question, I’m sure some Aspies can love because as with any condition there are always different levels and they always manifest themselves differently in almost every person. As for my AS wife, if there is love in there I haven’t seen it in over 25 years, and like an idiot I’ve just recently realized I will never see it. I never knew what AS was and I always thought there was a chance for love from my wife. I know now that isn’t going to happen, at least not in any way, shape, or form I would recognize.
well there are nice and not so nice people of all neurological types. what you’re describing sounds less like Asperger’s, than sexism. My NT (or possibly bipolar) ex and I had a similar dynamic.
This is my experience also. I am suffocating under his constant critisms of my emotional health and being expected to give everything and get nothing in return. I am over it.
“well there are nice and not so nice people of all neurological types. what you’re describing sounds less like Asperger’s, than sexism.”
Exactly! Asperger’s is no excuse for sexist behavior and especially not for sexist behavior against one’s spouse.
Well I thought I should add a few points here.
Love normally lead and occur because of a relationship and as we know, relationships are an issues in AS. The is one of of many elements that are looked at in a diagnostic assessments, for example in the ADOS. And it is one topic that often shows much symptoms. The common issues seen are; lack of understanding of mutual sharing, often love is one way only, either expressed as a need to be loved and not alone, and not as a need to reciprocate, or vice versa, as an excessive love towards someone without the other reciprocating. There is on a whole limited expression of what love means and can lead to. Same is true of marriage that is often seen as a convenient almost practical arrangement, often seen as being valuable to the person with AS but not necessarily as a mutually valuable alliance, missing out of sharing of common interests, sharing responsibilities, building projects with someone else, etc. Often there is only a few aspects that are approached and many times, it would not be seen as reasons to marry or to love from a NT point of view.
You know also that many people with AS have expressed that to them love was not needed and wanted, was more troublesome than worth it (e.g. Temple Grandin).
The book Love, Sec & Long-Term Relationships also includes many examples to touch on this topics. Yes, Love and sexuality can function, but it is not necessarily easy and straightforward. People can be overwhelmed as you have expressed before Zack with the sensory issues, arousal, smell, touch, etc, but also with the emotions. Experiencing strong emotions can be resented as loosing control, and can cause havoc.
As for sexuality per se,whilst some might think all that is needed is a sexual organ to do it, there is in NT couple a very intricate and elaborate relationship-play that normally goes into sexuality and this involves often one of the most intuitive and at the same time elaborate two way relationship on can have. It also implies self-awareness and being comfortable with self and others.
A final point, an assessment for example ADI-R that aims at evaluating accurately the potential issues experienced with someone does not rely on self-reporting only- there is interview of family members, parents etc. The reason is that someone with AS might not be reporting the issues accurately, for a range of reason. So, if someone with AS says, they are experiencing love, sexuality etc fine- it does not mean this is the case, they think they do, but where is the reality? To know the reality implies a great awareness of self, AND of what NT relationships are about too. How does someone know how what they experience compare to what other NT people or AS people experience? This is certainly not an easy thing for someone with AS if the person has a true diagnosis. Perhaps it does not matter to them though, but they should at the very least question if what their partner truly experience is satisfactory and fulfilling. Again, I am not sure this is such a natural concern to the AS mind.
I find the notion redicoulous. I can love with all my aspie heart. My loyalty, and love without any perconcieved conditions attached is so total it generally shocks all those around me. Having troubles with empathy does not take away my ability to love. There is nothing on this earth I would not do for my family. I would certainly die for anyone I care for, without even a question. I think the issue is since the WAY we show that love is so different from an NT, they don’t notice it and therefore don’t think it is there.
My caring shows up in practical ways. Giving money, cleaning someone’s house, buying gifts or making them, etc. I am a romantic even, but I hate things that are horribly over the top. I think, for example, that it is stupid for a man to have to go buy DIAMONDS for Valentine’s Day, spending hundreds of dollars for a piece of jewelery that he may be paying on for the next decade! Flowers aren’t nesscery either. Just spending the day with my better half, being with him and talking with him and embracing is enough. Which brings up my next point!
Just because some of us don’t like being touched does not mean that applies to us all!!!! I am personally an extremely huggy person, just ask my mom, lol!! And Lack of, or issues with empathy does not take away my ability to have compassian or to have feelings. I use to tell mom just because you can’t read my emotions in my face or in my body language or vocal tone does not mean that they are not there!
Theo, I don’t know if this is asking too much, but reading over your comments on this page I thought I might as well give it a shot: I’m having some struggles surrounding the “can aspies love” topic with my partner. You sound exactly like him, and it makes me think talking to you about this a bit might be useful.
If you feel at all comfortable with this, I would be extremely grateful if you shot me an email– carogriffin at gmail dot com. Thanks so much! And even if you don’t email me, thanks for what you’ve posted here. It’s already incredibly helpful!
Sorry this has taken so long. I shall shoot you an email when I get the chance, Caro. I’m glad that I have helped.
Hello ,
I’ve been in a long tern relationship with a aspie male for nearly 17 years. The first year we lived in the same state and saw eachother often . He would not call me his girlfriend and would get upset if others assumed we were. We went everywhere together and I fell in love with him. I told him and he seemed shocked. He moved away for a job in another state and the night he left, I cried and cried and clung to him. But he refused to put his arms around me. After he left I was devastated and tried to date other men . I hated it and stopped. One day about a few months later he called and invited me to visit for a week. I was so excited, I was thinking finally he loves me. (note I didn’t know about his aspergers yet)
I went and we had fun but there was no affection or sex. He wrote me a letter saying no other girl made him feel sexually as I did and said some hurtful detailed things about what they did together. He stayed there two years and I visited again this time for 10 days again we had a wonderful time. He was again transferred to another state. This time he had flight benefits and could fly for free . Plus I forgot to mention his entire family lived in the state where we meet and I still lived. He came to see me sometimes every weekend or at least once or twice and would stay with me. I also have a son . At the time he was under 10 and he filled the void of him not having a father somewhat. This is about year 4 He started to include me in his family functions and I also included him in mine. I love his family as if they were my own. I started to notice he would get very upset over small things and I got upset that he wouldn’t tell me he loved me. I suggested counseling and he agreed. The counselor asked to speak to me in private and advised what she thought he had after he assessed him. After that I noticed he tried to hold me more and say nice things. but it didn’t feel genuine. He became angry and didn’t see or speak to me for 4 months. Then I get a call asking if he could see me. I know after reading all this you are wondering why I kept saying yes, All I can say is when he’s around me I feel complete . and when he makes love to me it makes me feel whole. He was transferred yet again and this time he had free flight benefits and we saw eachother all the time and now had incorporated out family’s together. Jumping to the present My son and I have been living with him for 8 years now and his anger and long periods of silence have gotten worse and worse over time. We have argued that we are going to break up 100 times and we never do. Last week he became upset with me over a joke and froze me out. Me being so sick and tired of this behavior tried to break the silence this was the worst thing ever. Now we live in different rooms and don’t talk . I know I have to leave but eventhough I’ve written this like it’s been all bad it has not. He has been very generous with his money and time and tried to be a father to my son and many other things, The reason I’m so confused and upset is last night again I tried to talk to him , I started crying and told him that I felt as if he was my husband and the idea of being without him would shatter my heart. Hus reaction was where is the rent and over all these years I’ve paid for everything???? I only pay half the rent because he refuses to help clean, cool or do any household chores of any kind not even one. I have a joint disorder and in constant paint and he has no sympathy for it at all. I also buy all the food and toiletries and anything else the house may need, which I’ve already calculated and I pay more. He makes about 4 times as much money then i do and wants to split everything down the middle but ofcourse I have to continue all the housework and cooking etc. I know this is all over the place . The bottom line is why does he think he pays more? Why has he demeaned our relationship down to half the bill? I told him I would move out as soon as i can find a place I can afford which will be very difficult since I’m only able to work part time. and he is just fine with it and if it hurts him he will never tell me why. Basically he has come back to me over and over and over again and our family’s are bonded . This feels like a divorce. sorry about the length. Only a aspie or a NT with a Aspie would understand this.
Hey Jill,
I just read your story and I couldn’t help not writing something down. My very best friend is a male Aspie. I am a much older woman but I do feel like when we are together he completes me. He has an NT girlfriend and they live together. Unfortunately she only cares about his money and doesn’t even care about his disorder. We met almost at the same time he met his girlfriend. We got to know each other and now I love him very much and I believe he also loves me but at the same time he won’t leave his money hungry girlfriend. I know how you must feel with your “husband” and I feel like I am in a similar situation also. They have very strange ways of “behaving” and it is really hard not to get hurt by them. Also my friend doesn’t understand when he says things that hurt me and after a fight he acts like nothing happened and starts talking about every day things. Sometimes I feel like I can’t take it anymore but I love him so much. He is extremely smart and I love talking to him. Now I started noticing some gestures and other ways that I can tell he has feelings for me. It is really really hard for an NT. I am having really hard time with the “non touching” stuff, that he is not like other men, his hands are not moving all the time all over me. We haven’t even hugged yet!!! Yet I can’t forget about him. I wish I could snap him out of his relationship and be with him for as long as we can be happy.
Oh boy! When I began to read your story, I thought I don’t remember writing this. It’s so familiar! My husband hasn’t been formally diagnosed with Aspergers yet because it’s so difficult to get him to see someone. But we both know that’s what it is. We have been together 21 years and I have always said that he’s SO different to anyone I have ever met. I could just not put my finger on it. What is it with him? A friend of mine who also works with disabilities (my husband has been working in this field for many, many years) suggested that he might have Aspergers. I had been having a big whinge to her about how he never says he loves me, or cuddles me, there’s never any affection from him. When she left I got on to google and did some reading. Well OMG, I couldn’t believe it. It was like someone was talking about him that knew him personally. I didn’t know that all the odd things about him actually added up to this disorder. It made sence now why he couldn’t hold me when I was so upset, the way he walks away when I’m in the middle of telling him something. He just has his mind set on what he is going off to do himself. I thought he was just very rude and didn’t care about anything I had to say. We were 30 when we met and he had never had a girlfriend. I had been married before. He was very naive and didn’t share any feelings, but I thought that would change as his confidence grew. But there’s only been a small improvement over the years. He didn’t know how to kiss me. It was more like being licked by the dog. I wanted to make love to him, but he would giggle when I carressed him, saying that it tickled. I ended up giving up on any of that after several attempts. We split up after about 7 years when our daughter was only 7 months old. I couldn’t stand it. I needed him. But he didn’t even want sex any more. That’s all our love making was, a physical function, there was and never is any emotion in it. When he does get emotional it’s only to have one of his tantrums. He’ll argue and lie and be totally illogical. Then he flys off in his car, only to be back minutes later like nothing has happened and talks about the weather or something so unimportant it’s unbelievable that he has just blocked out the emotional mess he stormed out about. He makes me feel like I’m going crazy. BUT. I love him, he’s so special, he can be so thoughtful, to anyone. He loves making sure peoples needs are met. Physical needs that is. He’s great with the guys that he cared for with disabilities. I used to say to him that he always related better with intellectual disabilities, than he did with me and the kids. I thought maybe our kids were already smarter than he was and he felt threatened or jealous of them. But the bits of information I have found out about Aspergers, now puts the jigsaw puzzle together. And he’s not stupid! He can be so astute to other people or situations. He sees things the rest of us wouldn’t notice. He can be like a detective. His social skills though, can be so embarrising. He doesn’t listen to people. He has to talk so loud, cut people off, and go on and on. It used to be all about his coeliac and how he couldn’t eat this or that. I thought it was just for attention, but I see now that he just can’t help it. Now he goes on and on about how we have been affected by the floods and the insurance company (AAMI) not wanting to pay up. I feel like I am going on and on myself, but it’s so good to have found people with and without AS. You guys know how it is. I thought my husband was the only person like this. He does little things like bringing coffee to me in bed in the mornings and sometimes buying me little treats, I know he is thinking of me. He has never said he loves me or said that I look nice when we used to go out. Not even on our wedding day. I thought if he was ever going to give me a compliment that would be the day I would hear it. Well I struck out there! I love him, so decided that this was it. This is my life, so put up and shut up if you want to keep your marriage. When we broke up in ’99 we lived apart for 2 years. After getting back together we had not 1, but 2 surprises, another daughter and a few years later a son. We have 3 children together. However, the stress of floods, losing our house and losing his job over the last year and a half has really taken it’s toll. My father also passed away less than a year ago. He was my rock, I could draw strength from him when I needed a lift. But not now. It doesn’t come from my Aspie husband!
I suppose apart from getting things off my chest, the reason I began to write was because I know we have come to the cross road in our relationship. We have ridden a roller coaster over the years, many times we’ve made a pretty good team. But it’s over now. He has a friend. Well that’s what he calls her, but I don’t think he realises he is in love with her. I thought maybe I was wrong. That she might have been an obsession because he found her interesting, like his war documentaries and air crash investigation documentaries. But nah, I think love is blind, that he can’t see it himself. When I’ve needed his help, ie empty out my parents house, he had to go and mow her grass. He helped her shift. But I had to shift furniture by myself from my parents house. He let her shift into our rental property for $100 a week less than the last tenant was paying. He built the dog run for her. He went camping with her and her son and 2 of our kids. I had only just met her at that stage and thought it would be good for the kids to go for a couple of days. I had to stay though because I had my shop to run. Well they ended up staying for over a week. Sat around the camp fire every night until early hours of the morning. Bonding I suppose. After they went camping they saw each other every day for a month. He would be helping her, or she helping him while I was away at my parents house. I think he told her we had already separated, which we are now. The day I read about the Aspergers I came home all excited, thinking I had answers. I asked him if we could get some counselling. But he didn’t know what I wanted to achieve by that. I said we needed to talk, communicate. He flew into a rage and said that the only thing I had to understand was about his ‘friendship’ with this woman (10 years younger than me).
Things turned very nasty. He punched me, swore at me. The kids were screaming, I had to get a neighbor to call the police. They arrested him and we have been separated since. That was 3 months ago. Since then we have been able to mend things a bit. We could probably get back on track again but he was still going to our rental property to see his friend for coffee. She moved out just over a week ago. He says he’s not concerned about that. He wants us to be together again as a family, but I know he has gone to see her at least once since then. He has sent her text messages and spoken to her on the phone. What do you think people? I don’t think I can blame his condition. I know he CAN love. It’s just not with affection as the rest of us show it.
Jill
Just wanted to add- obvious gender preferences in the way love is being expressed and received- AND, very clear gender differences as far as the AS presentation is concerned.
I believe I can love. After 4 years, I’ve learned the true feeling of love. Back then, I thought that the reason for me to have a relationship with someone is just for hugs, buxom and holes AND Status. Mainly because some ol’ friend of mine, who has PDD-NOS probably, said that he thinks that relationships is for status and he complaint that a lot of NTs have girlfriends as if it is easy. The same applied to physical touch. He touched two female friends of mine, inappropriately, on my 15th Birthday party. He said ‘well, I saw some guys and girls hugging and touching each other with no problem’. I think he still doesn’t understand it. He even asked, gladly not at my party, to a woman what the colour is of her vaginal fluids. I guess he has watched more hentai than I’ve ever did.
Ok, back to the main topic. However, this sweet kind compassionate young woman, who’s 2 years older than me, has made me realize what love is AND that great love exists. I lost that faith when I first, and still my last, girlfriend cheated on me and stuff. Unfortunately, the feeling between me and my best girlfriend was not mutual. It hurt me a lot, even after 7 months, I still had to fight against the pain. Well, the pain came back after those 7 months because I sort of opened the wound. I’m still good friends with her, but there’s still some awkwardness… at least in my perspective.
So, I’ve changed from a teenager that wants to have his sexual desires to be fullfilled (I’m still a virgin, luckily) to a teenager that wants to become a compassionate and Wide-Eyed Idealist that wants to have a deep romantic bond with someone. Either with or without sex – kissing and hugging would be nice, though. In a certain way, I’ve become very humble. I’m still an ass, don’t worry about that, but at least an ass that wants to become the realistic version of a Galahad-type, Anime-style character from some JRPG.
However this made me also reluctant (but that was always so) to hug any male or female friend I have. Like Theo, I can be quite a huggy person. Not frequently, but I would like to show my affection to people in that way (I only hug my mother, my grandma, any member of the family, my closest friends OUTSIDE High school and some adults that I’ve known for quite a time). However, I know the rules of consensual hugging. I have this big irrational fear that if I hug a person without asking, I’m on my way on becoming a strange guy or a rapist. Would it be a problem if I might talk to my closest friends (from high school) about these issues?
That’s what I might fear to become when I’m in a relationship. That I might become too much focused on sex, sex, smex.
But I believe I can love someone else romantically. I would honour and respect her deeply in my way. I would love to make her happy. I will be loyal to her; I would stay at her side.
The problem is that I’ve got a problem with noticing the difference between when a girl is just having a deep friendship with you and when a girl loves you, romantically.
Why? Because in a certain way, the only difference is that one of them says ‘I love you’ to each other. I mean, I REALLY felt a close bond with my best girlfriend, it felt very romantic, touching, admirable and inspiring to me, but the only minus was that she doesn’t love me the same. So, she’s not my soul mate.
I will believe that I will find a soul mate / great love in my life. I know that I’m a kind and compassionate teenager, often weird, often hyperactive, often lazy, often nerdy, often prudish, often perverted SO there must be someone that might be interested in me.
I still do wonder if a lot of girls exist in reality that are similar to my best girlfriend: compassionate, good-looking, helpful, kind, loving, ambitious, tolerant, happy, ect. She didn’t even cared if I was autistic or not (yeah, my teacher of last school-year said it to her because I would go with her and some others of her class and some of mine to England – and I only founded this out ALMOST A YEAR AFTER at my freakin’ B-day party).
In a certain way, she’s similar to Beth of the film ADAM. Fortunately, I’m more social functional than Adam. I mean, I would have done quite some things differently, you know.
Ok… where was?
So I have a hard time to notice the difference between close bond minus love and close bond plus love. I don’t have a hard time to notice the difference between someone who dislikes me and someone who likes me. Is this something, that a lot of NTs might struggle with, too?
Bottom line, yes we’re capable of being in love and showing love to others, romantically and platonically. However, I intend to go on the road of ‘probably unrealistic’ love. I don’t want to bang every hot chick that I might come across. Yes, I would like it, but I don’t want to satisfy my life with shallow things like that. I want to share such special moments only with someone to which I can share a special and romantic bond with. ‘I don’t want the cone (sex), I either want the ice cream + cone (love and sex) or just the ball of ice cream (love)’. Same applies to freakin’ nudity. I really am the most unrealistic heterosexual man that has ever lived on this planet XD
After Sword Fighting – when everyone went to the… gym locker room (?), I saw a girl, probably in her 20s, undressing herself and you could just see her breasts NAKED. Everybody could see it. Men and Women shared the same room to change their clothes. I knew this. I had no problem of seeing people in underwear. But I couldn’t understand that no men or women reacted that she went temporarily topless. Strangely, after a few seconds, she had a different bra on… I don’t understand that…
I see nudity as something sexual. Why? Why, if I know that there are nudists? Because if I would treat nudity as non-sexual, I wouldn’t be aroused at it anymore. The point is that I only want to share my nudity to people who I trust the most. In some way it would give my (hypothetically) partner the feeling that she’s special and that I would only show these private areas to exclusives. I would understand if my wife would feel uncomfortable when she will know that I’ve been on the PlayGirl (hypothetically). I would feel uncomfortable if my partner would go nude on the PlayBoy or on some other pornographic magazine or sextape. I’ve no problem to see nudity on the internet. I’ve not problem with watching couples getting it on. The moment when it will be an issue to me, is when I will personally know them. However, they made a choice, so it wouldn’t be mine fault if I saw them getting it on… online. Honestly, I wouldn’t even want to see my best girlfriend, probably the first kind and pretty girl that I’ve ever felt in love with, nude BECAUSE ‘I don’t want the cone (nudity), I either want the ice cream + cone (love and sex) or just the ball of ice cream (love)’.
My sexual side had no problems to see that girl’s breasts, but I can’t degrade myself to some horny teenager that likes to bang every hot chick with nice breasts, can I?!
I start to love this website
“So I have a hard time to notice the difference between close bond minus love and close bond plus love. I don’t have a hard time to notice the difference between someone who dislikes me and someone who likes me. Is this something, that a lot of NTs might struggle with, too?”
Yes! (I am NT) That can be really difficult for NTs as well. Feeling this difference has to do with intiution or even mind reading. And mind reading is of course not possible for anyone.
Everything you write about nudity also makes a lot sense for me as NT.
The combination male + teenager makes it normal to focus on sex and things like that. It is normal for your age. You should maybe not talk to girls about it too much, because then they would think you are a pervo or something, but the feelings and thoughts are normal. All teenage boys are focused on it.
I like your icecream picture, it is a good explanation.
As a teenager I was a close fit to Jermaine, even down to the detailed and long observations (which were much how I’d prefer NT communicated). I find I have been constantly trying to remodel my outward behaviour to match my (quite perceptive in my humble opinion) analysis of what others are actually asking of me, rather than what they’re saying to me. I love language and nuance in literature, film, music and conversation… but I’ve made it a game to help me face people (and all the love provides alot of masking information for nuanced “NT” conversation). My problem is with the use of nuance at home (so to speak), with imprecations, innuendo, asides, etc. The tools NTs bring to an argument shut me down. I can deal with problems in an emotionally distant way, but a raised voice combined with having to decipher… Dammit was going to demonstrate my ability to be concise and not ramble… In the last three decades have struggled through several medium-term relationships in a muddle-headed and callous way. The only thing I can recommend to both sides in any relationship is honest clear communication. I was diagnosed 19 years ago and fought the diagnosis for all I was worth. I could not train myself to be “NT.” I attempted it and lied through deliberate ignorance. I have learnt alot though. Honesty and good deep hugs. And kissing… Lots of kissing. I can’t stand a light touch unless from a kiss… As for love? Alone’s no fun but alive and sensing is awesome!
Where is that wonderful comment from Jermaine K in that section gone?
It was superb, try to put it back Zack, in case it was lost.
Here is my reply to it.
What an admirable and honest account!
Very interesting. All what you are saying makes a lot of sense.
I would say two main points- The first is regarding the nudity not necessarily implying sexuality.
It would probably be very instructive for you to go for a short while on a nudist beach or camp, with someone accompanying you, just in case!
I have spent many summers in my youth in such places, and I have regularly gone there too as an adult. There are several reasons as to why people like being able to be nude in a natural environment (suited for this, I don’t mean in Freezing Scotland). None has to do with sexuality or seeing people naked. It has to do with the desire to experience the environment and self in a more intuitive and less constrained, less conventional way. So, in a way, it’s a dialogue with self and the environment, the others come only with the sharing of that experience, nothing else. What is interesting is that in the same way that one normally respects each people body space, your eyes don’t go anywhere that is private. In other words, you see people naked but you actually do not focus your attention, or even really see any particular body features, you interact with them as if they were covered with an invisible sheet of respect and prudery. There is no written rule though, it is all down to common sense on what is right and what would be wrong. This might be a difficult experience for someone with AS, however, you are very aware and my guess is that in such a forced and in a way, model environment, you would come to feel that prudery. And then you would come to know how to transfer that experience to the sort of settings you have described in the changing room.
The second point is about NT: NT teenagers would have experienced the same confusion of attraction, and uncertainty, guilt as you did in the example you described. This is a time of high levels of flying hormones, of great needs, what you have said is totally expected of anyone. You are worried, because you know from experience and probably from knowing a lot about autism, that you could act on this. But the fact that you are worried and want to understand and prevent something wrong to happen is very good. Yes you felt this, it was normal and you hold yourself back and this was a mature and very self-regulated attitude.
NT people fall in love as you have and NT people get very confused and distraught about it. Think about all the music, operas, films, theatre plays and crimes that have been done only for the love of someone. People can loose their mind, and people can get confused as whether or not the feelings are reciprocal, especially if the relationship is very strong on both sides, very fulfilling and important for both people. Some people can hold back and withdraw, and this hurts, they may do this because they cannot commit rather than because they do not love. There is not much that can be done about it other than moving on. There will be other people around and yes, all these reasons you have listed “ I know that I’m a kind and compassionate teenager, often weird, often hyperactive, often lazy, often nerdy, often prudish, often perverted SO there must be someone that might be interested in me. “ can be attractive.
I am a woman, no longer a teenager I must clarify, and whilst I of course cannot speak for every other women, especially as my interests tend to be non-typical, I can say though that I think a woman is more interested in the mind of a person, above the physical side, though the physical side counts too. I think it is true of teenagers too, but perhaps there are more lightheaded teenagers than the one I believe I was. A mind that thinks, analyse and respond with some emotions to issues that match the ones the woman has is what is most attractive. Women tend to brave things a lot, not all women, but many do, it has to do with their genetic and their mothering instinct. Remember a woman will survive in a desert longer without food and rink than a man would. Because it is for the children more important that she survives. This is entrenched is who we are. So, we dare a lot, and that often means, that daring mind can be attractive, within limit of course. A tortured, restless and anxious and atypical mind are all part of that same bag of attraction, and is not necessarily a problem for longer term exchange, as long as it does not destabilize life too much and everyone remains sufficiently adaptable.
I defiantly know they are wrong because I am an Aspie and I love my parents, my brother, my few friends that I have, and even my boyfriend. I know that most people think that males only get this but I am a teenager and I have this and proud to have it and I can love!
I definitely feel love for others, and when it comes to relationships I would say I’ve fallen in love too easily many times. I think it’s just that sometimes the behavior of someone with ASD doesn’t fall within what most NTs would consider “love”… “How can you say/do that if you love me?” they might ask, and it’s just a result of our different behaviors. Add to that the difficulty in expression emotions, and it’s easy to see why someone with ASD might be labeled as incapable of love, but love is something that lies within, and for many people with ASD the problem is finding a way to communicate what is inside our heads with the rest of the world.
Hi Rich….In need of some help here. I have fallen heplessly in love with a very high functioning Aspie. I am an NT. I need to understand how you show your love since there is not alot of emotion shown. I know this man loves me. He tells me so. But since there is not a huge emotional connection in what ways will he show it?
Secondly he has a habit of disappearing for a few days to recalibrate so he can come back out and function in the world. He won’t respond to text messages or phone calls during this time. I have asked him to help me by just letting me know that he is okay and that his pulling away from me has nothing to do with me or anything I have done. He says he often doesn’t even know when he is doing this.
I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone but I am really struggling. I am trying to understand him and meet his needs but mine aren’t being met. I am trying to find ways to communicate better exactly what I need from him but I am not sure he is capable of meeting me half way. At the same time my heart is breaking a little more with each passing day. The irony here is he picked a higly emotional woman to fall in love with and I think that is part of our attraction. He gets me on some many levels. But my one issue is being abandoned by someone I love and he does this to me every few months or so. I am tracking it to see if I can find a pattern to it so I can antisipate when it is going to happen but so far I can find no pattern to it.
I want to stay in this relationship but I am really struggling and need some input from other men with aspergers to help me understand. Please help me understand how you show love if ther are no emotions being shown?
Hi Maggie- I am not a man with AS, but an NT woman.
Suggestions: if you love this person that much, be patient, sensitive and take the time to know him. Use your love to drive this interest. But don’t become dependent on his responses, especially if you are expected convention. Remember than independent and strong minds are attractive features, so all the better. Other AS people can help, but be prepared to sample a large population to get a good idea of what your man might be like as well as being sensitive, open minded and willing to get to know who he is and how he expresses his emotions.
There are also a lot of good books out there – see links on this web site I believe. Sometimes it helps to compare your experience to that of others, but your intuition, sensitivity, and patience are your strongest allies.
Quote from Molière: Unbroken happiness is a bore; it should have ups and down.
Hi Maggie. I am struck by your comment, that your heart is breaking a little more every day. I am not Aspie but was involved with an Aspie man who decimated mine, unintentionally I think.
He exhibited the same behaviour pattern: would suddenly go cold, check out, not reply to emails that asked specific questions or made overtures. Sometimes he couldn’t bare to be touched, other times he liked cuddles. Sometimes he’d kiss me in public, other times it felt as if my very presence irritated him. My own emotions, as a result, became quite volatile. Sometimes I’d cry at night from feeling rejected, while other times I’d remind myself he really did care and his behaviour was simply the Aspie way. He never told me he loved me. In the end, he said he didn’t think he had the right kind of feelings for me and has now severed all contact with me. He asked me to go away from his life.
This is what I would say. The fact that your man says he loves you is quite significant because Aspies don’t lie, in my opinion. Now, you need to be an emotionally dependent and secure person to endure the rollercoaster ride that is life with an Aspie. He may not come to family functions with you, he may not like to socialise with your friends, he may not always want you around, or want sex with you, he may ignore you and he may also forget you exist. But he will, in his own Aspie way, love you deeply. If you can live with his special brand of showing affection and disappear when he needs you to, then try your hardest. But if you don’t think you can live your life with someone who may, on occasion, unintentionally treat you as if your very presence is irrelevant, then move on. Only you know your own limits. At the moment, I feel exhausted, spent, dispirited and deeply sad. I miss him dearly, and I know he doesn’t even spare me a thought. That has been the worst part. Knowing that, in the end, I never mattered.
Good luck. Lastly, remember this: people have quirky and unconventional relationships all the time. The trick is finding someone whose quirks and dysfunctions you can live with, despite what your friends, family or co-workers may think.
Orchid33 – I feel for you, I have the same experience, it is nice to read how another feels on the NT side of a relationship. I have given up 12 years of my life entirely dedicated to my AS husband, he is now moving on to continue his life, leaving 4 hurt children behind and a broken hearted loving wife.
To all……..each AS is an individual, just like each NT is an individual. You have to learn who YOUR partner is, educate yourself on the hardships YOUR AS partner faces in life THEN determine whether your partner is displaying to you their symptoms of AS or plain simple bad behavior.
Maggie,
I have been in a relationship with a man with AS and I have lived similar experiences than you have and I hope I can give you a bit of help. It wasn’t until recently that I found out that he had ASD because despite the fact thatwe have had our differences, I have a great amount of patience that has enabled me to understand that like any other men he was different in his own way. Women already are more nurturing and in touch with their emotions than men (most women) and although men and women with AS have certain disabilities if you can even call them that, they also have other characteristics that make them great partners.
It is important for you, as well as for anyone that has a partner with AS to learn more about what it means to live with AS and to research as much as possible about their traits. Understanding to the best of our abilities what it is to live with AS will also help us have more successful relationships with our partners with AS.
When individuals with AS disappear to my understanding they are trying to cope with their problems the best way they know. Often enough they also might not be able to verbalize their emotions and will rather avoid confrontation all together. Those who have AS also have difficulty empathizing (they are not unable to, it is however difficult for them) and therefore during confrontations they are often defensive which has probably been one of my biggest obstacle in my relationship. Yet, it does not mean that we cannot learn to communicate effectively but we (as partners) must understand that they perceive things differently than we do a lot of times. In my case being factual and always letting him know that I love him before I bring something up that I might not like has helped me a lot, also teaching him what makes me happy and what we can do to communicate better.
Also I have learned that (based on my experience) individuals with AS are less willing to open up to anyone and bring them into their lives, they are a bit more apprehensive to trust. However, when they do, they will be unconditional and loyal like no other.
I am not saying that it is easy and everyone has a different threshold when it comes to understanding or having the patience to deal with difficult situations such as yours, but it is possible, and there are wonderful qualities those with AS have that can supersede any of the difficulties you might encounter.
More importantly I would like to say that I know that those with AS are capable of loving and loving deeply so have patience and look for all those signs that show you that he loves you. Obviously he does because you are still part of his life.
Good luck
““How can you say/do that if you love me?” they might ask, and it’s just a result of our different behaviors.”
…and this particular behavior is a result of either not knowing or not caring that the person doesn’t *want* to have that said/done to him or her.
Keep saying/doing that to him or her when he/she doesn’t enjoy having that said/done to him/her, and he/she will no longer enjoy being with you – no matter *why* you say/do that to him/her, *it’s still saying/doing that to him/her* and still making him/her endure having that said/done to him/her.
married 27 years to an AS person. our two younger sons are AS. Our oldest and I are both ADHD. The biggest challenge we had for years (26) was his low sexual interest which i did kow abut but told myself if shouldnt be important. We finally found out he had extremely low testosterone, He developed a teen like sex drive which was wonderful but like always no foreplay or romance. hes never told me im beautiful or says i love you. only “love lots” just like he tells our cats and dog. He does like to hug but has a really annoying habit of tugging at a section of my hair repetitively which I have told him for 27 years bothers me. he wont touch me at all then. Then back to the hair. Says its a sign of affection, which i’m sure it is but i hate it. On the other side of the coin, he refuses to let me touch him sexually even now that we have sex mat a much more acceptable rate, I have to lie with my arms down at my sides. He will touch and caress me but never looks me in the face, turns mu face away and refuses to kiss me. And he will absolutely not touch me below the belt with his hands. granted i’m always satisfied but I’m growing resentful that there is no emotional aspect although much better than being constantly sexually frustrated. Its more that he WONT do it even occasionally. Or at least explain in a loving way why he wont. Just gets angry with me for “starting on that again”. He can be very loving and romantic at non sexual times but it makes me frustrated. At any time I’m feeling verymuch in the mood I know its a guarantee that he wont be. The days I push it out of my mind he wants to “go upstairs”. I take it because I’m high drive, but after 27 years of this I’m at my wits end. And its not just sex, its about how i do things how I say things. and constantly being criticized, yet I ask nicely for one or two of my own needs and hes angry as a hornet at me. Forget holidays or special occasions. A romantic night away from the family means tv and sleep for him, I’m tired of the onesidedness. Id go out on my own but he doesn’t seem to like that either, sees no need for me to do that. hard to have friends anyway when he hates people coming to the house. My oldest son who is not AS is devastated by never been allowed to have friends over. He hates coming home for breaks. My two AS kids are happy to sit home and play video games or hang out with us. yet we have some fun shared interests and hes loyal and responsible …. all the positive AS traits. But to me marriage is about emotional intimacy which i’m currently mourning that i will never have as long as I’m married to him. Hes more like my best buddy than a husband. But I fear losing the friendship should I divorce him to try and fine an NT who can love me the way i need to be loved. Someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i’m beautiful and how much they love me. Ive never had that having been with my husband since I was 19. I could have 30-40 more years on this earth. I stagnate because there is so much I don’t want to give up yet so much I long to have.
Aspies are capable of loving, they just express it differently and in a very special way. You can find it in your heart
no..I can no longer find it in my heart
I gave 25 years trying with all I had to “understand’
you are wrong, and sound like an aspie yourself…totally out of touch and insensitive
enough already
So, can you please give examples of how love is expressed if you are an Aspie? Because, from where I sit, by blowing hot and cold, not returning calls or texts, not wanting to be touched, not wanting your partner’s company, never wishing to hear their voice on the phone, never saying comforting words, showing affection or expressing an emotion, it is very difficult to know you matter to your Aspie man, let alone exist.
“So, can you please give examples of how love is expressed if you are an Aspie? Because, from where I sit, by blowing hot and cold, not returning calls or texts, not wanting to be touched, not wanting your partner’s company, never wishing to hear their voice on the phone, never saying comforting words, showing affection or expressing an emotion, it is very difficult to know you matter to your Aspie man, let alone exist.”
No matter *why* your partner treats you this way, you have to ask yourself: how do *you* feel about being treated this way? Would you rather continue to be treated this way, or rather be single? You’re only human too, and you deserve the right to have feelings even if someone else doesn’t approve of your reasons for having the feelings you do!
Hi Orchid33,
I totally understand how this whole situation must have made you feel, especially if you have any rejection issues and so it pushed your buttons. I am an NT and I remember the first Aspie I met did exactly this, not long after we had met in person (we met via each other’s blogs). Suddenly he disappeared for a couple of weeks on end, didn’t answer my texts etc and I just felt like SUCH an idiot. And I have some major rejection problems. And I thought, “What an insufferable bastard that he would do this, and leave me hanging.” So I sent him an email telling him to not ever contact me again etc etc. And yet at the same time as he’s disappeared and won’t answer my contacts, he’s looking at my blog 10 times or more a day. I couldn’t work it out. It was totally dumbfounding.
Months and months and months went by after this where he’s constantly reading my blog, writing things on his blog that were subtle references to us etc. It just took me forever to work out what the hell was going on with him – was he interested or not? A real total mindf*(£ Several months after that he asked me to collaborate with him on a creative project. I think in hindsight he really wanted to connect but the overwhelm was so great. Putting himself out there was 1000 times harder for him than it was for me. And it was hard for me.
I am now living with an Aspie, and the interesting thing is that I think that *I* am probably more inclined to want to disappear for days on end than he is. I work from home, and those hours and hours to myself every day help me to recalibrate and be able to hear myself. I love solitude, it is the ultimate recharge for me. I feel like I easily get “lost” being around other people too much. Alone time is the safe, regenerating time. I sensory overload problems (one of those highly sensitive people, I be), and so I feel like I can sort of vaguely *begin* to understand the blowing hot and cold thing. It guess it wouldn’t help to say “it wasn’t about you”? I know it may have *felt* like that, but for him, the rushing overwhelm means that he *has* to get away by himself. It’s as if everything on the inside is screaming to go and be safe, and for him that’s being alone.
As far as how Aspie love is expressed, I think it varies from person to person, seeing each person with Asperger’s is different, just like every NT is different. For my partner it’s important that we say “I love you”, and I like that too, hearing that. For us, on the days when it all feels rather precarious because we’re having misunderstandings, the “I love you” said before he goes to work is like a glue.
I know for my partner too saying and expressing emotions is really really difficult, and he tries so hard, and I love him for it, even though I do feel so frustrated at times because I don’t hear what I need to hear, and I don’t get what I need to get. When I stop and think about how much work it is for him, and how much time and effort he is spending in trying to get it right, *that’s* where I see how much he loves me. If I was to gauge that by facial expressions and expansive body gestures, I would think that he didn’t like me much at all.
I think too Aspies want to be able to please their partners, but they need to be *told* what pleases their partners. If assertiveness isn’t your thing, an Aspie relationship will not work, I tend to think. I blow hot and cold when it comes to assertiveness; it’s as if I’m two different people. When I’m in my non-assertive days, things can feel like they’re going to unravel because he is probably the most passive person I’ve ever met in my life. This is so frustrating. When I’m feeling good, and my demons are not rattling their chains, and I can be open and warm towards him, he responds in kind like a flower opening up to the sun. This is just how it is. I’m trying to be all Buddhist about things and understand that this relationship is a learning curve for me. He triggers things in me that end up being more about me than about him, when I get reactive.
Anyway, sorry for the long-winded reply that’s a little all over the shop. I don’t think I really answered any of your questions in the end (other Aspies would be better at that).
I have rejection issues and so for me, this relationship can be awfully painful sometimes. I
Hi I just read your blog and I must say it was a wonderful read..I love your insight and of course Im wondering if you are a writer or have written a book of some kind. I have been married for a long time with my love and he is on the ASD and it has taken years to unravel his behavior and on the flip side Im sure the same for him and his understanding of me. I have been a nurse and my quest for answers sent me back to college to get a BS in psychology. I wouldn’t recommend that for everyone I was just on my own journey of discovery and it was the only tool I had at the time. When we realize how a AS person is showing their love , kindness and good qualities it opens up a whole new door that we can walk into..a place called their room and their self expression..just as the door to my heart has a open door with my own unique way of expression…It just means finding the key and having our eyes opened to their beauty. My best girlfriend is also a Aspie and so I have been on a quest for years just to understand how to be a friend to her also..
Keep writing because what you have to say is very helpful and well said
relena
I have Asperger’s and I’m madly in love with a guy who also has Asperger’s. “People with Asperger’s can’t love” is sensationalistic bullshit.
I agree with that statement that bullshit I can love, I can care about people and I do whether I dislike a person or not I just won’t admit it. Aspies can love.
Seconded. Vehemently.
Yeah, it’s such a stupid thing to say, isn’t it.
I think what people are saying when they say those stupid, sensationalistic bullshit statements, is that they recognise that Aspies *express* love in different ways than them. A totally different situation than being able to love, or being able to feel love. Because if anything, I think Aspies so often have issues with feeling TOO MUCH, rather than too little
I would like to know what a relationship with two Aspies is like. I don’t know if you are in a relationship with this guy who is Asperger’s or if you have been, but it’s something I’ve often wondered about. How easy is it for communication to happen between two Aspies?
I haven’t been diagnosed as Asperger’s, I only know that being an Aspie would explain a lot of the unusual things I do and feel. My first relationship was with a guy who seemed textbook autistic. He was completely socially unaware and sometimes embarrassed me with that (not that I’m not plenty embarrassing myself, but he seemed to understand social rules even less than I do). A huge problem was that he never even noticed when I was upset unless I had a crying meltdown or spelled it out for him. I’ve read that it’s generally difficult for people to notice when Aspies are upset, but he was probably the least perceptive of all. On the other hand, when he understood my boundaries he was wonderfully respectful of them. He was a good listener (when he wasn’t talking
), very cuddly and we meshed very well sexually. When I wasn’t upset it was somehow very relaxing to be with him – and I have a hard time being relaxed in relationships (I think, based on a very small sample). When we were alone it was usually pretty good, in social situations it was usually not so great for me (he was too loud for me). In the end his cluelessness (which came across as selfishness) as well as my own (I suspect – in hindsight I’d call it selfishness, but I wasn’t fully aware how selfish some of my behaviour was) did put a strain on the relationship. But it’s not the reason why we broke up and I guess we might have been able to work it out if we hadn’t been so incompatible interest-wise. And btw, some of our cluelessness may have stemmed from this having been our first relationship.
My former boyfriend was certainly capable of love. Although I wasn’t the right person for him, he loved having a girlfriend and it showed. He did a lot of nice things for me. I also know that I’m able to strongly feel love – the only kind that is worth being called love, wanting to act in my loved ones’ interest as much as if it was my own interest. But I realise that acting lovingly is very hard work for me (I often feel like I have to ignore my boundaries to some extent), so I need frequent timeouts to recharge. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being with the people I love and doing things for them – of course I love it. But if I ignore my own needs, I eventually go into meltdown mode.
Take all of this with a heap of salt – after all, I haven’t been diagnosed and the ex-boyfriend also has no diagnosis I know of. For all I know he’s not even remotely aware that he may be on the autism spectrum.
I should add that he also had no clue how he should react when he was aware that I was upset. Even when he knew the exact reason why I was upset he would say the most inappropriate things.
Just because you are involved with someone with Aspergers and they treat you that way does not mean that ALL Aspies are that way!! I show my love to my better half in many ways. Massages, small gifts, much cuddling, helping out around his place when needed, writing him poems. Don’t stero-type us. I realize you may have had a bad situation, and I am sorry about that. But many of us are very loving, decent people. My aspie man does wonderful things for me. He has introduced me into his group of friends, who took me in immediately. He takes me out, to either our favorite down town bar where we go to hear our favorite local band, or to one of our favorite restraunts. He rather enjoys cuddling, and always says loving things, just not all the time. And really, I don’t need him to constantly tell me he loves me. I see it in his actions. He shows me respect, and absolute loyalty. His emotions are shown to me in the little things he does everyday. Not all aspie men are like that, ok?
Right on, Theo! People on *any* part of the spectrum, from autism to Asperger’s to NT to William’s Syndrome, can pay loving attention to compatible partners who appreciate their styles of attention!
you seem like good man thor, way to treat your significant other way to go man. I also do small acts of kindness to my significant other when I have one though I doubt I can find love these days last girl I dated gave me a HPV virus so Idk if I should love anyone anymore.
AS people like NTs are individuals.. you have the good , the bad and the ugly .
Theo, I was suggesting in any way that the characteristics I describe apply to ALL Aspies, but I do appreciate it reads that way. I read a book called Aspergers in Love, as well as other websites dedicated to the topic, that explains there are certain characteristics that are typical of Aspies, although they vary as greatly as the spectrum. Some of them include difficulty with intercourse, sensory overload, needing solace, not wanting to be touched, an inability to empathise with someone else’s feeling – but you know all this, don’t you? While my ex exhibited all the characteristics I described in my email, I know that other Aspies don’t. I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. I have, at long last, come to accept that his behaviour had less to do with Aspergers and more to do with the fact that I meant nothing to him. Alexa’s comment the other has had the most impact on me. This site has been immensely helpful, and I thank you.
Sorry about that. Kind of a sensetive topic for me. For a good portion of my life, people have percieved me as cold, unfeeling, and without any emotions at all. I just so happen to be extremely sensitive, and have the tendency to do one of two things when upset. Internalize everything and torture myself with it, or lash out in anger, which is strangely how my sadness manifests itself to the outside world. Which doesn’t help with the whole perception thing. I apologize for coming off a bit strong. I don’t think people realize how sensitive aspies are. We get hurt pretty easily, it just doesn’t always show on the outside in a way other people can understand.
You say that you lash out in anger. I have a problem with that . I lost a good friend because I was tired of him yelling at me. I just stopped to say hello and he began yelling at the top of his lungs. How exactly do you not take that personally?
I may have aspergers but of course I love. Firstly I am a great friend…comfortable, honest, loyal, non judgemental, accepting, forgiving and giving and protective in my own way. I may not feel the need to talk much but I communicate well in my deep, passionate, Love making… LOL!I can not believe I said that but it is true! The only problem is I do not want to stop!LOL! I think it may be more blissful for me than most people? I may be uncomfortable dating or in a new situation but in a trusting relationship it is very good. I love deeply. Maybe too much?
I do experience some general daily sensory overload and if I was not ready and someone started touching me they might get hit…but I would be very sad to think that some do not enjoy sex at all…
peace and love,
Proud Aspie
i have asperger’s syndrome, and saing that we cant love? i am deeply in love with my girlfriend that have no “neuropsychiatric disabilities”. so saing that we cant love is just a no brain statement, but she have friends that gets all suprised when she tells them that i have asperger’s syndrome.
I am 27 years old aspie. I never fall in love, never have sex. Perhaps I am indeed incapable of love.
I am not gay. Girls do physically acttract me, while men never. But even I have some feelings to a girl, those feelings are so self-contradictory that cannot be appropriately described as “love”. (I even have trouble to directly express my concerning to people that I care, including my parants. There are always some unclear feelings bother me, like a taboo, preventing me to do so.) The normal routine of date also makes me very uncomfortable.
Perhaps I just interpret the word “love” too literally by the ideal definition that I learned in childhood, and there is practically no real implementation of it.
Admire those aspies who are still able to love.
“If love was something I could feel, at least some kind of cheerfulness … “
you can love anyone as well as any other aspie out there. I’m a pretty private figure though I put on an outgoing facade for the world to see I keep a distance emotionally most of the time, don’t accept favors very much unless its on my birthday even then it makes me somewhat uncomfortable cuz I’m obligated to give and I can’t give back as much as they give me. So what to do Idk but don’t give up on hope your as good as rest of us
Yes, we Aspies can love. And we can hurt, pamper, ignore, serve, hold precious, frustrate, long for, and bleed for the people we love. Personally, my Asperger traits drove my wife of 10 years from me. We have 3 kids and have tried so hard to make it work for their sake. And, frankly, if it weren’t for them I would not be here. I am not only diagnosed with AS, but also with depression, and am struggling with a seperation that has turned ugly and cold. My very best friend and confident, my cheerleader through thick and thin, wants as little contact with me as possible. I distanced myself from family and friends because they did not always seem to support our marriage, so I’m even more distant from them than ever. I feel very much alone – in a hollow, sickening way. There are far too many intricate facets of our relationship to point to any of them as a sole cause, but I know the ‘big ones’ were lack of communication, lack of compassion, and disorganization. She (NT) gave a lot more to the relationship in those areas, but she needed much more reciprocity than I have been capable of. She seemed overly critical at times – probably just my perception – but it eventually drove my self-confidence into the ground, which caused still more problems. I do not blame her in any fashion for our failed marriage, I blame my self and my condition. I feel very lost and my flickering flame of hope has finally been extenguished. I could forgive and forget all the ugliness if she’d just take me back; however, she does not forgive and forget so easily.
Okay, now that I’ve bled all over this blog, do you believe that we are capable of love?
Farmboy, I am married to an aspi for almost 11 yrs and our son is an aspi who is 10. We are having huge communication problems, I try so haard, but can’t seem to get him to acknowlege that he is an aspi , he was never diagnosed and has been in the military for 18 yrs. We love each other very much but everything always turns into bickering and banter. when I try to tell him how I feel or what I need or how to help his son, he takes everything as a personal attack and becomes defensive, twists & turns, changes subject to something irrelevant. He does love me and tells me all the time but doesn’t show it and doen’t show an interest in his son. How can I communicate with him, without making him feel like he has to be on the defensive and make a million excuses, or was gonna. It always seems to be something. When I ask him a ?, he always repeats the ? or answers with a ?, like he is lying or trying to come up with one. Do you think he is just trying to think so he can articulate his answer? I am feeling like your wife, like I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. We need a husband and a father and friend, his son needs more attention and love from his dad. He can show me love buy has to force himself to show his son love. He always refuses to addmit when he lies or is wrong, and has trouble being accountable, so very sensitive and defensive. How do I communicat with him with out him becoming defensive ormaking excuses. I don’t want to leave, but I have gone from being a happy independant, confident loving life kind of woman to being deppressed, anxiety, angry, no desire to do anything because trying to doanything is such a hassle. He can’t make decisions, always anal about little things and big things he minimizes. Do you have any suggestions on how to better communicate with him so there is not constant banter and bickering. We used to have fun and be totally loving, laughing doing things to nothing, but dealing with our sons behavior as well. From a mans point of view what can I do differently. I suggest counciling and even say that i need to work on things too and he still feels like I am blaiming everything on him and becomes defensive and says hurtful things he doesn’t mean. The way I see it say what you mean and mean what you say, do what you say you will and no do as I say not as I do. Do you understand how I am feeling and what I am trying to ask of you. Just don’t know if it is the aspi or if he is cheating or just doesn’t care, not sure. Some insight to how I may better communicate with him to make him want to partisipate and feel better, cause my son needs help but can’t help him if his dad is having same behaviors. HELP me understand. I know aspi are capable of love my son is very loving and so is my husband but the communication breakdown is out of control and I am at the end of my rope. thanks
As an Aspi, I can sympathize with your husband. We have been persecuted and put down by society for being the way w are. Some people get into a relationship with us, figuring they can fix us up (make us neurotypical). When they find they can’t, they dump us. Some friends. After numerous traumas, we are gun-shy of relationships with people.
What we need is people like ourselves. People who are as specialized and wounded as ourselves. If you can learn about his specialty, you will earn the right to be heard.
Your husband and son should come up with a project that sorta fits each of their specialties. As they work together, their relationship will grow. They can learn to cut each other slack. They will chat while doing. That’s how we do it.
” when I try to tell him how I feel or what I need or how to help his son, he takes everything as a personal attack and becomes defensive, twists & turns, changes subject to something irrelevant.”
Some non-Aspies behave that same way for other reasons. Here are 3 examples:
Some non-Aspie people behave that way because they want to be macho and think any caring for children besides earning money to pay for their food, housing, etc. is too feminine for them.
Some NT people behave that way because they have big egos and would rather take something personally than realize “it’s not all about me.”
Some non-Aspie people behave that way because they believe the “don’t care what anyone else thinks!” hype enough to think that listening to other people (and spouses are other people too) will make them conformist.
So…about “I try so haard, but can’t seem to get him to acknowlege that he is an aspi , he was never diagnosed and has been in the military for 18 yrs.”
Maybe you can’t get him to acknowledge “I’m an Aspie” because maybe he isn’t an Aspie in the first place…?
Oh mine too… In the army for 29 years… He was never picked up as AS. The environment really messed with his gorgeous heart. He was often bullied but learnt to keep under radar. The negative environment really affected him. Maybe that was a compounding factor for your partner? What rank was he? He may have learnt negative coping mechanisms such as avoidance, lying, and/or denial. If he was a lower rank (OR) then he would experience a sense of disempowerment anyway which would be hard to also experience in his civilian life. Good luck. You have a lot to work through there.
The VAD, depending on what country you are in, should have support services available. They have seen everything.
I have behaved in a similar fashion to your husband. I’m not a good partner. Extremely single-minded. I see myself in many of the horror stories and all I can think is that I was getting to much complexity I guess. The best way to have gotten through to me would have been to address issues directly and conversationally as soon as appropriate (but urgently). Not for my sake but for my partners. As soon as I “bond” with someone they get certain privileges. This would vary from person to person, but what it would mean is I would let them speak with authority on specified issues, allow them to enter my personal or intimate space, etc. Pretty brutal quirks that can seriously hinder a relationship. the thing is as soon as I gave some one an in, they were in. All a girlfriend had to do was start creating routines, by doing them. Any hurtful things said should be addressed quickly and with no fuss. I can self censor. As for intimacy, starting with “c’mere an’ give me a hug” and “kiss me” worked real well, as giving my hand a brief squeeze for support. I guess we both sides need training. But I needed to say sorry more (I will always be heart felt in an apology) and I never knew to say “sorry” until to late.
Aspies typically, don’t lie.
I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown, farmboy45. I can understand the dynamics of why it didn’t work. I can understand it from your wife’s perspective. I think I can understand it a little from yours as well.
I don’t know if you can rightly say that the blame is all on you. Your marriage was made up of two people, not one. Lack of communication, lack of compassion and disorganization – all three of those things feature in my relationship to some sort of extent, and those things frustrate and upset me too. I think it’s about forgiveness, and recognising that the other person is trying their hardest, and that if something is triggering you then there your work is for you to sort out why you are triggered so easily by what the other person is doing. This is what happens in every relationship under the sun – our partner exposes issues in us that need working on.
But still, I understand from your wife’s perspective the lack of communication. It really is something that can erode a relationship. I would be really interested in hearing how the whole communication thing feels to you as an Aspie. When she asked you to open up and share what you thought or felt about things, what was it that made it hard to communicate about it? How did you feel in your body at those time? Was she asking you things that felt like they were in a different language, asking you to access info you couldn’t understand yourself, let alone articulate to her? I am trying to sort out this sort of stuff, hearing someone else’s perspective would help.
Cheers.
Thanks Farmboy and everyone else for your candidness on this web site. I have read and studied up on this and I tried everything I could think of to put some boundaries into play so he could be himself and I could get my needs met when he did his disappearing act to go recalibrate. He decided what those terms would be and he assured me he could stick to them. In the end he could not and once again my buttons got pushed. I finally told him that if he didn’t want to be in this relationship he didn’t have to be but he needed to stop jerking me around. I emotionally backed him into a corner and he broke up with me.
My problem with this relationship was that it was all on his terms and it is not really a relationship if it’s all on ones persons terms. God….. I love this man so much and on some levels he got me better than anyone but it was always on his terms and he could not be bothered to meet me half way….even when he himself decided what those terms should be.
I do have one nagging question…….does aspergers present itself with bio- polar issues too? He spends all his time obssessed with a job that he claims he hates and wants to get away from but will give it 150 percent of his time and 200 percent of his emotions and the woman that he claims he loves everyday get the 5% left overs. I don’t know if I will ever hear from him again and it will be really akward since we work in the same department together. Sorry to be rambling but it just happened today and my heart is on the floor in a million little pieces.
Maggie
Farmboy45, I’m very sorry you’re hurting. I do believe Aspies can love. I do. This site made me realised how deeply Aspies can love. It also made me realise that any neglect I suffered at the hands of my undiagnosed Aspie ex has less to do with his Aspie and more to do with the fact that I was not the right person for him. He not only never loved me, he never even valued my friendship. He has now asked me to disappear from his life. He wants no contact with me at all. And I don’t understand why. I have been utterly devastated by him. And humiliated. But not having him in my life has actually helped me move on. Maggie, my experience was the same as yours. Everything was on his terms. If someone tells you they don’t want you – Aspie or not – they mean it. I’m sorry. I think you should try to move on.
Sorry, ordchid33, my response to you above is maybe a little redundant. I probably should have kept reading further down before I responded
MY experience with an AS husband after 12 years –
- he never said a ‘I love you’
- he never displayed a kind gesture, no presents, no time for me
- he never asked what I like, what I would want
- every decision made for his own benefit to the detriment of our family especially financially
- refuses to do any chores
- refuses to do anything that does not stimulate him
- never enjoyed sex so it pretty much didn’t happen for the final 11 years, he refused to talk about it
- hates physical contact, no hugs no touching, he even cringes when his children hug him.
- no outward joy at being told he was going to be a father, no outward joy at holding his chidren for the first time
- when his children were 18 months and 6 months he told me he no longer had any feelings towards them or me
- when my father had cancer he simply said ‘sorry I can’t be there for you’
- when I cry he simply stands a couple of metres away and stares in silence then walks away.
- he excels in a work enviroment, he is in the top 1% earning bracket, he commitment to work is 200%
- never taken time out of work to spend with family, no initiative to plan time or spend time with family
- when he gets a new interest or hobby he becomes obsessed, has no awareness of life going on around him these interests have typically lasted approx 6 months before he looks for something else
- he says he feels no emotions, everything to him is explained in terms of science
- he is obsessed with knowledge, he reads and listens to facts and figures, he conversations are only based on the things he has learned and his perspective on them, as soon as you contribute to the conversation he has switched off and has a vacant stare
- he obsesses over music, usually repetitive sounds to which he describes as mathematic beauty not the pleasure of the sound, it is not uncommon for him to listen to the same sound on repeat for an entire day whilst tapping his legs, hands and whistling along
- he says he does not like anyone
- he is obsessed with his appearance, he buys a new wardrobe every week and spends countless hours in the gym
- he is depressed, he says nothing in life gives him pleasure, he describes himself as Vulcan (star trek)
- he has no friends, his childhood soul mate; his brother is a laborer and he views this as beneath his intelligence so no longer talks to him. The same logic is applied to all other people he meets.
- he has no social issues in a work environment, he is aware of the needs of his colleagues and staff and fulfills them, including emotional
-he has trouble sleeping, his therapist says he sleep pattern is one of anxiety
My AS husband is seeking therapy as he doesn’t want to be this person.
Like I said this is the experience and viewpoints expressed my myself and my AS husband, everyone is an individual regardless of being NT or AS.
I hope that my comments will help others identify with my husbands/my situation.
NOTE – Despite this experience for the last 12 years I still dearly love my husband but until he is able to help himself through putting into practice his therapy he is not capable at this moment in his life of having a relationship.
Frankly this is a really sad story, and not for what might seem the obvious reasons. Love is a powerful emotion, but it is not some magic elixir that will make anything work if you just mix in enough and keep stirring. The fact that your husband is in therapy and going through hell to meet your demands should be enough for you to realize that your demands are unreasonable *for him*… very very key phrase, “for him”, as these demands seem perfectly reasonable among most people, even assumed in many instances. It’s obvious that you two fell in love with the wrong persons… he needs someone willing to be more nurturing and forgiving, even motherly, whereas you need a more self-sufficient and supportive man to help carry the burden and not add to it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either one of you… oil and water don’t mix, but you can’t really blame it on either one… but the solution to me appears clear, that you two should go your own separate ways and find people who fit your own individual needs and desires, and in the process of doing so you should both take the time to enjoy being alone for a change and get to know yourselves better.
I’ve been in his shoes before, and I know he hurts for not being able to be what you need… the problem is that he never will be, not entirely, not even with all the therapy and support in the world will he ever be “normal”. The best and easiest answer is to accept that relationships are fluid, that they can be lifelong or brief, intense or casual, or any of a billion other things depending on the unique chemistry found between two individuals. If you can take the good from your relationship with him and walk away from the bad and look forward to that which has yet to come, you’re passing life’s test with flying colors.
“…The fact that your husband is in therapy and going through hell to meet your demands should be enough for you to realize that your demands are unreasonable *for him*… very very key phrase, ‘for him’…”
Spent2011 has needs of her own too. His demands of her (treating her and their children the ways she listed over the years and expecting her to tolerate it) is unreasonable *for her*. *For her* is no less key than *for him* when both of them are in the same marriage!
“…There is absolutely nothing wrong with either one of you… oil and water don’t mix, but you can’t really blame it on either one… but the solution to me appears clear, that you two should go your own separate ways and find people who fit your own individual needs and desires, and in the process of doing so you should both take the time to enjoy being alone for a change and get to know yourselves better…”
Wonderful points!
This really highlights the fact that not all AS are the same.
My partner always tells me he loves me
Is always affectionate…very huggy
Always asks my opinion and is developing great communication
Tries hard to be giving financially…but does need to control this (I’m ok with that)
Tries to be giving during sex and is often apologetic if it is not what he thinks I want.
Has been so incredibly supportive while my mum is going through her cancer recovery process.
Is very tuned in to my emotions…sometimes too much. I wonder if he is too empathic and therefore everyday disputes or tensions are very hard for him. He is the only man who has ever really fully ‘seen’ me.
definitely not obssessed with his appearance
He loves learning…particularly music. As I am an academic and doing a Phd, this is wonderful. We love learning and I admire his intelligence and incredible memory. I wish i could synthesize knowledge the way he does. He is definitely a savant.
He developed his love of music and air drumming into a hobby. He is now a drummer in two bands and adores it.
Its not all fun and games, he has chronic sleeping problems – when we do live together, we will have a separate bedrooms. I have endured 3 years and refuse to do any more.I agree, it is stress related.
He does not read social situations. Is often too affectionate in public…as a 16 year old, it was fine but at 40 it is a little different, but he does not read it. A good snog in public is a little embarrassing for my kids…oh poor dears!
I have had to teach him things like not standing too close to people…he didn’t read that this made other people uncomfortable.
He is not good at small talk…neither am I , thank god.
As you can see, there are so many AS types. Not all are negative and life can be good. I have a philosophy of humor, love and laughter. Sometimes I think NTs are just as neurotic. I certainly feel that way.
I can imagine living with someone who is so withdrawn and negative, it would be awful. I can see that my partner is at the good end of the spectrum… “there but by the grace of god go I”…
Good luck and I wish for your happy and peaceful future.
I love your comments, especially the ones about NTs being just as neurotic. It is SO true – it’s just that we can be totally blind to it.
I’m like you describe with someone who understands me and as callous when with someone I don’t want to be with. Have become better at self-censoring and editing my words now. But I still don’t like it that I upset people so easily and in-turn get extremely agitated. I would like to be different in that sense but, the world I experience is really interesting, and ultimately you need to share alot of common interests to even consider having an relationship. If you do, my sharing can be overwhelming at times, and decidedly under at others.
It is a joy for me to read all of your comments. Thank you
“What we need is people like ourselves. People who are as specialized and wounded as ourselves. If you can learn about his specialty, you will earn the right to be heard.”
As if she doesn’t already have the right to be heard by someone who married her, had sex with her, probably got her pregnant (she didn’t say if they adopted their on or not), etc.?
Being married to someone who thinks you don’t have a right to be heard by him or her is a dangerous situation and is the situation in a lot of marriages that later turn into *domestic violence* done by the partner who thinks “you haven’t earned the right for me to listen to you” against t he other one…
“We have been persecuted and put down by society for being the way w are.”
Speaking of persecutions and putdowns, for centuries the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude has been a very popular way for persecutors to put down the people they oppress. White supremacists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about black people and other non-white people. Black supremacists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about whites and other non-black people. Male chauvinists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about women. Female chauvinists have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude about men.
So, to anyone out there tempted to have the “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” attitude in the name of your Asperger’s…if you treat someone else that way and he or she stops liking you for it, then you’re not the one being persecuted.
Hear Hear!! Do not play victim when you are doing the victimizing.
BALANCE/ GIVE AND TAKE!
These problems that people with out autism AND people with autism are NOT any one/ groups doing.
Stereotypical ideas is one of these problems that is SHARED by all ( the rich, the poor, black, white, challenged, unchallenged, etc.) society just makes most of them its self like this example. Challenged= disabled. I think challenged is a better word for me anyone that wants to, because who does not have challenges? Anyone? No, did not think so. Anyone, who says they do not have challenges is either really unaware of themselves, lying, or kidding around with you.
Okay, back to the main idea. Yes, EVERYONE can love. My best friend is on the spectrum and I cannot think that anyone like her does not love.
I have had romantic relationships with two young men on the spectrum. Lets say the first is 1 and the second 2, so I do not have to come up with “fake” names, okay? I was friends with 1 and meet the 2 later in an unrelated place and activity. Dated 2( knew him for about 6 months before the dating) and we broke up about 20 months later. 7 months later 1 asked me if I would date him. 1 and I were together about 7 months, then we broke up, that was 8 months ago. Yes, those romantic relationships were NOT perfect, but neither am I. I would not change my memories of the good or bad parts of those romantic relationships, because even at the worst those romantic relationships; I learned a lot about myself and other people’s understanding of the world. Yes, our relationships are over as far as I can see, but I still would help them if they asked and it was in my ability to help them. I’m a strong believe in how you see your challenges changes outcomes. I have had what most of society calls a disability for all my life; but I’m a lucky; while it could literally kill me some day; I have lived what life I have to the fullest of my ability. I wish you all luck and love in your life.
There are a few posts that talk about Aspies shutting down, shutting-out the people closest to them, disappearing for a few days to ‘re-calibrate’. I’m an Aspie, married for 10 years. I posted on 5/8/11 my reply to the general idea of this thread, that “Aspies can’t love”, opposing that idea.
I wanted to say that my shut-downs were triggered by feeling attacked to some degree. Occasionally, my wife could bring me out of my shell by turning our argument into a discussion. I think it had a lot to do with my need to feel accepted. All our conflicts seemed to threaten my sense of acceptance from her, so, if you can think of a way to maintain that sense of being accepted in your AS partner during your conflicts maybe they’ll stay ‘with’ you in the exchange.
Another post mentions an Aspie with a long history in the military and a 10yr old son. I have three boys that are 13, 9, and 8, and each of them frustrates the hell out of me in his own way. However, I found that when the eldest was around 10 or 11, his humor slowly began to align (somewhat) with mine. His Mom and I teased him and he played along with it, and it became really fun to interact with him. I didn’t have to put on my ‘kid’ hat so much anymore to interact with him. Find a movie or something they can both laugh at, together. Get them to spend more time together and maybe some of the ‘starch’ will give-way to a more relaxed and comfortable attitude. Maybe they could work out together? Living room wrestling match? I hope this helps/works!
Why is it the NT has to always make the Aspie feel accepted? I ve been doing that for 27 years yet when I express myself Im only accepted if I act just like him. Im burnt out. I realize we never should have married in the first place and I struggle with the decision to abandon him while we have 3 kids in college. I havent worked outside the home in 22 years ( he never wanted me to, nor did i hae the energy or time caring for 3 special needs kids – 2 AS on ADHD,plus a special needs husband all while being ADHD myself) 15 years ago I told myself I would hang on till the kids were grown. Now they are grown but with the financial strain fo 3 hefty tuition payments I’m stuck another 4 years. I need the sexuality and emotional bond that goes with it. yet our issues are way deeper than a sexual one.
Here are lyrics to a Rupert Holmes track which I think would fit this subject matter, from the last track off his 1994 album Scenario, titled If Love Made Sense:
She has made a list
Of the reasons she should love me.
She has made a list,
There’s not a trait she’s missed.
There’s my humor and demeanor.
I could not be squeaky cleaner.
I’m from Camelot,
But damn she loves me not.
Case dismissed.
But could I ever resist?
So I’ve made a plan
Of the things I’ll do to win her.
I have made a plan,
I’ve got it well in hand.
And though it may be out of fashion,
I will plead my case with passion
Full of high ideal
Right down to my last appeal
‘Til she concedes
That I am all that she needs.
If love made sense, it would be easy.
And life would be as we designed.
But love makes sense just to the senses
And it is blind to the mind.
For love makes sense just to the senses,
And it is blind to my mind.
So I’ve made this list
Of the reasons not to spend my life in hot pursuit
Of love that won’t compute.
And if I had half my senses
I would raise my best defenses
And then step aside,
Preserving all of my pride.
You know the twist:
Of course I’ve torn up the list.
If love made sense, it might be easy.
And life would be as we designed.
But love makes sense just to the senses
And it is blind to the mind.
If love made sense, it would be easy.
As if life ever would be easy
Or love made any sense at all.
I’m sorry but I seriously can not agree with this. Everyone in this world is capable of loving others. My darling little sister has aspergers and tells me daily how much she loves me, she always cuddles up to me and you can see in the way she talks to my parents and the rest of us in our family that she truly loves and adores us. Also I went to school with a boy who had aspergers and he was in love with one of my friends. He would bring her flowers and write her love letters and small things like that. EVERYONE in this world is capable of love no matter whether there is something “wrong” with their brain as doctors would like to tell us – though sometimes it is an enhancement – or not.
Thank you, Jo, for standing up for us Aspergers men.
Now we don’t “catch” how to do all this stuff; we need to overtly learn it. I recommend Aspergers read “The Five Love Languages: Men’s Edition” by Gary Chapman. That way we have a fighting chance when a woman thinks to herself, “If he loved me he would …”, and then gets disappointed when he doesn’t read her mind! “What’s the matter, dear?” “Oh, nothing,” she says in a frosty tone. That doesn’t help.
Neurotypical man can get along with an Asperger’s woman by bullying her and ignoring her. She feels she deserves it.
An Aspergers man can get along with a neurotypical woman — until she finally understands she can’t “fix” him into becoming a neurotypical. Then she goes looking for another man she can “fix.”
My partner pf four years was recently diagnosed with AS. In some ways this was such a relief, as it explained so many things. We’re going to therapy with an ASD specialist and are very lucky that there is a new one in our area. But I desperately need help in trying to explain to my man that when I’m upset about something I will always sound upset, and O’m not havimg a go at him. It is simply me being me! It appears to me and my teenage daughter that we are the ones that have to do all the getting used to amd changing to fit in with his needa and he never seems to adjust to ours. He is very critical amd can be extremely hurtful but I accept this as being his way. And i button up my emptional body armpur and don’t let it get to me. I need the abiloty to explain to him that it’s not hom O’m annoyed at just my way of expressing my irritation. But he won’t listen. Takes it all personally and i end up feeling like I cannot tell hom hpw I feel, which is damaging to pur relationship and my emotional well neong
Any pointers please.
Thank you
What people need to understand is that the neurotypical partner will always be the one adjusting to the asperger partner, and it’s as simple as that. If you enter into a relationship with an aspie, you’re taking on an incredible task and responsibility to someone who has very specific needs in their relationships. Most aspies are like me and can function without any kind of relationship for their whole lives if it so happens, so that is why they are unwilling to meet halfway, because the aspie partner just doesn’t NEED the neurotypical partner the same way that the NT needs the AS. Everyone on here is saying the same, that their aspie mate won’t meet them halfway… at some point we’re all just going to have to accept that as the unfortunate reality and move forward, with or without our partners.
“If you enter into a relationship with an aspie, you’re taking on an incredible task and responsibility to someone who has very specific needs in their relationships.”
Very specific needs, or just very specific wants?
“Most aspies are like me and can function without any kind of relationship for their whole lives if it so happens”
OK, so it’s really very specific wants. If they were very specific *needs* then you wouldn’t function so well without a relationship in which the other person gives you all of those.
” Everyone on here is saying the same, that their aspie mate won’t meet them halfway… at some point we’re all just going to have to accept that as the unfortunate reality and move forward, with or without our partners.”
This is a very respectful and empathetic thing to say! Instead of telling us that we have to endure relationships with people who won’t meet us halfway – you’re doing better!
You’re acknowledging that some people won’t meet us halfway, reminding us that we can’t make them meet us halfway, and accepting that some of us don’t want to be in relationships with people who won’t meet us halfway and would rather be single than stay in relationships which turn out to be that way.
Yes, I was on a downer yesterday, ending up with a migraine and not in work today recovering! But I do know that my aspie partner would not still be on this planet if it wasn’t for our relationship. When I first met him he was happy in a relationship, and they had a small child. Then one day, she upped and left. No forwarding address, just packed some things and left whilst he was at work.
He was distraught, and we went out for a drink just to keep him out of the house and give some sanity to the situation . . . over the next few months she messed him around something chronic, and he ended the relationship with her a year later. I was there for him throughout that time, he showed up at my house occasionally, and our relationship built from there. He has said to me since, that he would have committed suicide if it wasn’t for me being there for him all that time. If I hadn’t supported him, been on the other end of a phone / IM / text . . . just being there meant everything to him.
So, I don’t necessarily agree that survival without others is really the “Aspie Way” . . . maybe as is the case in NT’s there’s just different people, different personailities and possibly due to differences in the way in which people are brought up, the differences in the culture in which they live, the differences in the people with which they interact, their interdepency on others is as individual as we all are.
So as far as the original thread goes, yes aspie’s can love, in all shapes and sizes. He doesn’t tell me he loves me every day, he doesn’t buy me flowers, but he does show me he loves me, he does tell me that he appreciates all I do for him, how much I help him out with situations which he just cannot deal with. And I wouldn’t have him any other way . . . if he was different, he wouldn’t be him
I guess by needs I mean whatever that person needs to not be driven away out of the relationship… for an aspie, many times wants and needs are the same… we don’t always differentiate between the two very well, and sometimes something that would seem like a want to a NT might actually be a need to an aspie… some of the rules that pertain to relationships fly right out the window when you end up with an aspie. I completely acknowledge how difficult we aspies can be in relationships… my only point is that if you don’t pretty much pander to and placate an aspie, you can expect a rough ride, and since one shouldn’t really pander to or placate anyone, there’s part of the rub. I’m lucky that I have a rather mild case of AS and can pass as “normal” most of the time in public or with friends, but with my lover I tend to be a bit more myself, like wearing a mask all day and then getting to take it off and share the real me with someone. The flip side of that coin is he gets all of the crap I hold back from other people, but for me to be in a relationship I have to be comfortable as myself around that person, otherwise I’ll just leave to be alone so that I can be myself without any consequences. Long story short, if your partner seems more “aspie-ish” toward you than to others, you may oddly
enough want to take it as a compliment that he or she trusts you very much.
I have a friend who has with Aspergers. I love him so much but most of the time I don’t understand him. He says he shuts down his feels and does not bond with people. Just because he says he he does not care and can’t bond with me does that mean . He calls me all the time and when he is here in town we see each other all the time. Is he not capable of feeling he cares when he actually does. Please explain the
personality of a person with Aspergers.
Richard, thank you. I guess I knew that really, on a downer today and being unable to cope with me, it was even harder coping with him! Even the cats have avoided us today!
As an NT, and having been involved with an undiagnosed Aspie, the biggest obstacle, as I see it, is not so much the Aspie’s inability to emote the way an NT does, or gush, or effuse, or any of the things NTs have come to recognise as expressions of love thanks to pop culture; rather, the biggest obstacle is wanting someone so dearly who never conveys to you whether they like you, enjoy your company, want you, regard you or esteem you. It’s the feeling that you (the NT) don’t matter, don’t exist, are irrelevant, the feeling that you do not enhance your Aspie’s life, are not wanted nor valued – and that becomes unbearable. It’s the not knowing that can be painful. It certainly was for me. Everyone wants to be loved and wanted, and we ALL express our love in different ways – and therein lies the crux of it.
Orchid33, did you take on an Asperger as a project, intending to “fix” him and make him NT? Did you lead him on to believe you loved him? Did you lead him on to believe you meant “to have and to hold from this day forward, til death do you part?” For enough money you would stick around. Unfortunately, NT’s take to dishonesty like ducks to water.
What if you didn’t know he was aspie and just thought he was young, inexperienced and immature and would grow into being comfortable in the emotional reciprocity stuff? What if by the time you realized it was a neurological not a psychological issue it was 20 years down the road? What if he wasnt as Aspie in his younger years but the stress of life and time has accentuated hose traits and they are now unbearable? Once could say this about an NT incompatibility as well. But I believe what makes it so difficult for an NT is that there is no compromise. In my case its a different love language. That’s fine I learned to speak his but I would like to be spoken to in mine every so often. HE USED to but shortly after we married and had kids it all went away. HE lied to me. presented as something different so, yes, Ive tried to “fix” him but only to have back the man i fell in love with. First kissing stopped then foreplay then the criticism on everything i seem to do or say unless i meet his extraordinarily high standards. Its fine to have his high standards, but the expect when i do the task for me to do it as he would is unreasonable. Is it unreasonable to expect a husband to tell his very attractive wife that she is pretty? even once? I know there are sensory issues but I need to kiss. It feels good. His tugging my hair (his sign of affection) is babyish and hurts. He continues to do it even though i ask him to touch skin instead. Even after i tell him it hurts. he cant believe it hurts me.
“…HE lied to me. presented as something different so, yes, Ive tried to “fix” him but only to have back the man i fell in love with. First kissing stopped then foreplay then the criticism on everything i seem to do or say…”
Good points!
“…His tugging my hair (his sign of affection) is babyish and hurts. He continues to do it even though i ask him to touch skin instead. Even after i tell him it hurts. he cant believe it hurts me.”
When telling one’s partner something hurts doesn’t stop the partner from hurting one that way, then one stays in danger by staying stay with that partner. No matter what “love language” label someone else puts on the hurt.
Timuchin, I don’t understand all your questions, but I will try to answer them in turn:
1. ‘Fix’ what, exactly?
2. I did love him – very much.
3. We were never married.
4. I don’t understand your comment about ‘money’.
5. And re dishonesty: are you implying he was dishonest and I took to it like a duck to water? He was never dishonest. He always told the truth, no matter how painful.
In the end, he told me he hasn’t got the right feelings for me and asked me to disappear from his world. So I have.
Orchid33, I’m sorry for being so judgmental. I am wrong.
It’s not you or him; my wife and others have given me a hard time lately. Numerous women on sites like this will decide to dump their Aspergers husbands when they find they can’t fix ‘em. Sometimes they will exaggerate the situation to get people to give them moral justification to dump him.
Some of them are NT’s. Some of them are NT-wannabee Aspergers who live in denial. The former will just drop out. The latter can be really harsh, acting out the rejection they suffered as kids.
The millionaires of silicon valley (Aspergers) can write up a legal agreement for a marriage and stay comfortably married even with an NT. The classic example is Bill Gates. The less-than-millionaire Aspergers can get conned out of their money by not having a legal marriage agreement, the wife bruises her own arm and losing all his money to her.
Thank you, Timuchin. These forums, while helpful, are an unnatural way in which to communicate and open to a lot of misinterpretation. I loved my ex very much and was utterly devastated when he not only ended it but asked me to disappear from his life. He said he thought it would be the best thing to do so I could move on. In the end, I meant nothing to him – and that has nothing to do with being Aspie. He simply didn’t want me. Good luck Timuchin. Sounds as if you’ve met some predatory, unscrupulous women. I’m sorry.
Orchid33 you have had me near to tears with you statements. I cared very much for someone who is an Aspie. I did not want to fix him. I liked him just the way he was. We were just friends but I wanted more. He just did not want me. It took me a long time to understand this. I was pretty much one of the guys. Fortunately I was in other relationships and the man I’m with now worships me. He has been like a pair of bumper guards around by bruised emotions. My Aspie and I are no longer friends. He thought I was chasing him and pretty much told me this even though he stared at his shoes the entire time while we spent 2 hours in the freezing rain. He has a problem relating to women who are his age and is now in a relationship with a girl who is 24. He’s 44. I know it is a matter of time before she dumps him but I’m definitely not waiting around for this. I will not help him pick up the pieces and restore his self esteem after she has treated him like crap. We work together and he has flashed his pictures of her around to everyone in the building. I have just ignored him. I know he is bothered by my behavior because I’ve seen the look on his face when he sees me laughing it up with our mutual friends knowing he can’t join in. I think he wants to share his new found love with me but I’m not having it. Everyone tells me that they think he wants to be friends again but I don’t . In the end I feel as though he is the one who is missing out. Unlike you I can see his reaction to me not being in his life. But like my ex friend your friend is the one who is missing out.
orchid 33, I was married for the best part of 20 years to an NT. He was judgemental, he insulted me, he undermined me in front of our two children, he did not “love and cherish” me in the way that I understood from our marriage vows. I divorced him.
My aspie may have a different idea of humour, he may be insulting sometimes when he thinks it’s funny, not realising that his comments can be hurtful. But we just came back from the local shop with food for tea, and in the queue for the checkout, he kissed me. Totally unexpected, totally unasked for. He shows his love for me in different ways.
So, I think, in some ways, that it is down to each individual person, as it is with NT”s. We are all different and we should celebrate our diversity and not focus too much on putting ourselves and our loved ones into boxes. NT and AS all come in different shapes and different sizes, with different ways of expressing themselves, that should be a positive thing to celebrate, rather than a negative thing. I don’t want my partner “fixed” I love him as he is. It’s all the part of the wonderful thing which is being human.
Elljayjay, THANKS for your kind words! My NT wife and I struggled through our marriage which has ended, sadly. We both still love each other very much, but had needs of each other that we could not meet and issues that were not addressed.
I am SO happy for you and your Aspie! It gives me hope that I (AS) might find love with a woman that can accept and/or tolerate my condition. Your positive comments are very, very much appreciated!!
farmboy45, if I can give one person hope in the maelstrom of life, then I’m more than happy! I’m sure that you will find happiness again, I firmly believe that there is happiness and contentment out there for all of us, even if we have to make it ourselves
People are born with innate talents and pre-dispositions. These evolve into skill-sets that are adapted to be used in everyday life. Asperger’s Syndrome is a title or name for people who are born and evolve with an atypical skill-set usually overdeveloped in one area, and underdeveloped in another, usually socially. I’m a social idiot. But thanks to my Neuro-Typical Mother and Sister, open lines of Communication, my Aspergian (it’s the word we use…) Father, I had a loving and supporting environment, accumulated wisdom, experience, and a teacher who took it apon herself to make sure I would be ready for society. I believe that we lack certain skills, not universally, but enough for a stereotype. We CAN love, it may just be difficult for us to display it or in the beginning truly know it. I Love my family, I’d give my life for them. I have a harder time making friends, but I am loyal and hope they know I’d help no matter what. I can say my social development is slower than typical, but why would I care? I am me, everyone else is who they are. I believe that everyone has a reason for being and the universe has a will of its own, whether it is “luck” “destiny” or “fate”. So I look on the brightside, and try not to have expectations to be broken or let down, and take it as it comes.
We’re normal people too, just an atypical normal. If that makes any sense
Apologies if I digressed or ranted too much. One skill I have not mastered…
I hope this wastes no ones time…
I couldn’t have put it better myself… you sound an awful lot like me, actually.
“Asperger’s Syndrome is a title or name for people who are born and evolve with an atypical skill-set usually overdeveloped in one area, and underdeveloped in another, usually socially. ”
When people are born and evolve with an atypical skill-set usually overdeveloped in one area, and underdeveloped in another, and it’s some their social skills that are overdeveloped and their math skills that are underdeveloped, then they have William’s Syndrome instead of Asperger’s Syndrome. In a way, people with William’s are on the opposite side of the spectrum from people with Asperger’s or Autism and it’s the neurotypical people who are in the middle.
Aspies can love. Simple as that. I know I did.
I am an Aspie, and I handle love very differently than most people. My way of “showing love” was to abuse the boy, and I did that the first 16 years of my life. I figured that since he loved me, I need not show anything in return. I was raised by detached parents and nothing was explained to me, so I didn’t understand that I needed to reciprocate and show kindness and affection. Needless to say, I was completely confused and heartbroken when he ditched me for somebody else.
I tried and tried to win him back and kept failing. I feel into a deep depression for months, and eventually my counselor convinced my parents to take me to a psychologist. She explained to me everything a normal person would have understood, and it surprised me. It had never occurred to me that I was the problem, and my idea of how love works was completely different from what most people understood. Apparently, a lot of the things I’d taught myself were inaccurate or completely wrong, because when I tried doing them the way the psychologist suggested, things turned around for me.
Sadly, I never got my guy back. He wants nothing to do with me any more. But I’m ok with that, because I know next time I will understand my thoughts and feelings a bit better. While I may not be able to express them as well as others, I understand that showing love and affection is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. I am personally capable of it, but I was holding myself back because I was afraid that I would do or say something that would make me look foolish or silly, and also because I was not quite sure what to do in the first place.
My personal story.
This post brought tears to my eyes fror my husband too had vbery detached parents and my husband has even told me he had to teach himself everything. Thinks showing love is a weakness especialy if Im asking for a sign of love. Sometimes he can premptively show me love and Im fine but when he goes into his aspie withdrawal states, always seemingly at a time im in need of extra emotional suppport. its become problematic.
Aspies can really show love; it’s just how people view it that can make a difference, as well as how an Aspie can deal with his or her own life.
I, too, am an Aspie and have been struggling a lot to find my perfect match because of so many things. Many of my Facebook friends have been asking me why I’m still single at the age of 23 (despite the fact that I had two past relationships), and that I can’t answer them directly. I told myself that it’s either my behaviors and slow social development that hinders my capabilities to have a girlfriend, or that my lack of knowledge of nonverbal cues that contributes to such problems as me being a poor listener, stressed out, constantly in “anxiety mode”, and socially misunderstood. Worse, I usually have the excuses of distance, workload, and transit “inflexibility” that i use to ‘discourage’ myself from having a meaningful relationship with someone. My typical pattern would be home to school to work to home, usually ending before 8pm because no bus goes inside my place afterwards. But I think this cyclical behavior has severely impacted my chances of meeting other people, spending time with my friends, and eventually find someone I’m interested to be with.
I am a very loyal person who is a nerd for transportation and mathematics, and I definitely love visiting cities for their architecture, design, and structure. I go to a university, but I struggle to find a suitable girl for me because I feel like that girl is already with someone else that makes me think I’m too late for her. I live with my family north of San Francisco where activities tend to be merely just the farmers markets and a big, empty mall; otherwise, that’s it–the nearest downtown is about 6 miles, about 40 minutes by bus. I’ve been ready to go out with someone, but I think my faculty to love someone intimately is not yet deep enough because ive been hurt so many times from my childhood until the end of high school, 10 years’ worth. I figure that loving someone means that I just can talk to her online or through text, but physical contact is very tough for me, especially dealing with distance and my current posture and behaviors.
I know I may lack a lot of social things, but I know that I love a lot of things. I just don’t know though how to actually love someone (be it a NT or with Aspie) even though that I can be flexible with my schedule to spend time with her (distance, again, is key). I think it can be a challenge for Aspies to find love, but I know that they really can love.
What the hell! What the hell drove you to being so prejudice!? We experience emotions as fully as ‘normies’ and can love others just as any other human being can. Maybe you need to learn what it is to be autistic before you make these hugely gross general accusations! The same goes to anyone who thinks this way of “aspies”, parents or otherwise.
I am a almost 24 year old with asperger syndrome I really like the things that were posted some stories were very touching I wish everyone that struggles like I do the best of luck WE ALL CAN LOVE simple as that if we couldn’t love then we wouldn’t be able to do anything nice or say anything nice in my opinion, If someone wants to understand me better how do I let them do that, or friendship and relationships how can I crack this suit of armor I hidden behind all these years I wanna come out. I care about people though I don’t like to admit it in some cases I’m lost
I have asperger’s syndrome, and have loved deeper than most non aspies, I generally care about my friends and family, hate to see people hurt, albiet most people with my condition can be what seems like incapable of emotions, we are not robots, we do get sad, happy, angry, and we can feel love.
Love is what makes us human, anyone who has ever been around AS knows it’s a syndrome not a definition and people with AS are fully capable of love, affection and friendship.
Everyone should experience this moment… Once in a life
I am currently struggling with the man that I love, whom, I highly suspect has Asperger’s. Firmly believe in my heart that he loves me in his own way. After 18 months of dating, I broke up with him. Emotional shut downs, lack of affection, little intimacy, passive-aggressive behaviour, and an attitude that relationships seem to have little value or priority were some of the things I tried to cope with.
Not all doom & gloom, as there were some tender moments. Overtime I realized the pattern. He is in his 50′s and outside of our relationship, his previous one’s did not last more than 3 mos.
We have had some contact since our break up 4 mos ago. He seems to be angry and hurt. I do not want to give up on us, but he has expressed fear that I will leave him again if we get back together.
Not sure what to do next. Looking for advice regarding good resources, books, and just generally how I can support him without losing myself.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
You said “Emotional shut downs, lack of affection, little intimacy, passive-aggressive behaviour, and an attitude that relationships seem to have little value or priority.”
For a moment, never mind why *he* treats you that way and just ask yourself, “How do *I* *feel* about being treated that way? Do I *want* to keep being treated that way?” You’ve got three options in the relationship department:
(a) returning to him and making him stop treating you that way
(b) returning to him and continuing to experience him treating you that way
(c) not returning to him and instead looking for someone else (maybe you’ll find someone compatible, maybe you won’t, a lot is up to chance here as I know firsthand) or choosing to stay single
Fort all I know, (a) is impossible and if it is then you’ve got only two options in the relationship department, (b) and (c).
i felt great relief at reading this e mail. i too have been in a relationship with someone who has always seemed a little ‘odd’ – i have known him for many years and been in a relationship with him for just over 18 months. I completely agree with all that you say and constantly wonder whether i should continue in the relationship. he has had relationships in the past and initially told me he ended them but i realise that others have ended them as they have wanted more than he can give. i want to be told i am loved, but when i broach this he tells me i should not put words into his mouth – which i found really hurtful – but he tells me of course he cares. although he does not want to live with anyone he is contact by phone every night and comes around about 5 times per week – so i end up being confused. on the one hand i think he is afraid of being rejected, as he says he has met a lot of nice people but he always seems to let them down. he too is in his fifties. i want to hear ‘i love you’ which i did when i first started seeing him but never since……… can i cope with this……. i love being with him and he does nice things for me sometimes but is very ego centric a lot of the time. i would welcome other peoples thoughts. we do talk but the ‘i love you’ bit is tense…….
To to post a succinct message, I have AS and I’m incapable of love.
hello Dafdd,
perhaps you just “love” in your own way. Not the way others would see it, as the way you would love isnt the orthadox way of love. i doubt you are emotionless, you maybe cant tranlate a feeling into an action or words as for you they may not appear the same as to others…. you are not stone, you are very much human. As a female with AS i can relate, i used to force myself to “love” and doing so married the wrong man. however i now know how i feel it… it took one trigger and BANG. Its called the right person one you wish to share everything with, and no it doesnt have to be based on the physical more just the joy of being with that person.
Best wishes as always
Rose
this is where it all breaks down
we have an aspie saying in a direct honest way that he cannot love
then we have Rose ( who Im sure has a heart of gold)
REFUSING to hear that
I was rose once…and it broke my life to pieces
I refused to believe he couldnt love
he couldnt
I wasted 25 years, got so sick I almost died
now i believe the aspie who says plainly ” I am incapeable of love”
no more decoding
no more making an aspie what they are not
just a healthy respect for them
and respect for myself…..im a woman that deserves to be loved, and held, and understood
by a man that posesses these traits
the years I spent not knowing what apegers even was…were a torment
I just really want to say that if someone shows you who they are …believe them the FIRST time
or you will have wasted ahuge part of the best years of you life….like I did
im not done..I still beleive I can make something of the time I have left
but its very very draining
because I no longer believe in anything…and I was a woman of deep faith
stop making excuses for the aspie
stop
I wonder if you may be like me, that you are sick to the teeth of text book stereo typing.
Yes we can love, and very deeply, sometimes almost obsessively. I am an aspergers woman aged 29, I am In love with a man who also has Aspergers syndrom. I have come to see he may love me in his own way but as nothing more than a friend, we live at different ends of the country from each other but we meet, so far spent a month together over the course of a year. We talk through skype, or FB everyday. We spend hours chatting, infact 4-6 hours just talking. when we meet we dont stop talking, and we share everything.
I would like very much to be with him my whole life, wake up with him every morning spend every moment together, have his child etc. Now if that isnt love, and im not supposed to love, tell me what is. If sex scares him im happy just to be with him everyday, finally being me, and who i am. He is the only person i can truly be myself with, no other has made me feel “alive” or this happy/contented. I could call him the male version of myself. I hate whenever we have to say goodbye.
As for the “Touch theory” … well i like to be touched, i hate being tapped, but a warm loving touch, well, that is very different, i love to hug too. I love being in his arms, i would also love to kiss him, but even at 29 im scared to kiss, i always think its easier to be kissed.
I have no fear of intimacy, although it sometimes scares me, i have been intimate before and yet they say “aspies dont have sex” well we do. It just comes a little later, the true feeling /knowledge of what it really is.
Same with love. i have been guilty of getting married (to the wrong man) because i had a plan to marry and have a child. But i was niave to what real love is i just followed my plan, however, there is no love, and i now know what love feels like.
when i think of this man, i light up people notice, i smile more. I dont stop talking about him, i cant stop thinking about him. when i dream its often about him as he is always on my mind. He is the first and last thing i think about each day.
alright you judge, am i in love? Of course i can feel it! Im not stone, or dead because i have an autism spectrum disorder, just because we cant often communicate it, doesnt mean we dont feel it and on top of that, feel it deeply.
He is the only one for me, and i need him in my life as i feel more whole and more me when he is by me.
thank you for reading.
best wishes xx
while not aspergas myself i have 2 very close freinds who are and i support them all the time 1 of my freinds is in love right now an is always talking to me about it so to me its obvious aspergas people can love ive seen it i always wish my freinds the best of luck and will stand up for them as they will me i hope this shows that and also that to remember not all “normal” people are against aspergas people ur not alone!
good luck! a snape (ignore that it was a clue to my freind on who i am)
@Chickenman …
thank you do much for your support as a freind i value it greatly… and for your kind words to those on here also…
bless your kind heart… i just wish i knew how to stop loving him…
xx hugs my friend you are a star
@Chickenman …
thank you do much for your support as a freind i value it greatly… and for your kind words to those on here also…
bless your kind heart… i just wish i knew how to stop loving him…
xx hugs my friend you are a star
Yes, Asperger’s can do everything neurotypicals can do and everything neurotypicals can’t do, it’s not a disability, it’s an anti-human ability. People like people with Asperger’s, I have a friend (Asperger’s) named Sean and he had sex with his girlfriend many times. I think you need to be too optimistic, for we can add magic to this world and stuff but only when we see the Light in human behaviour, as a solipsist the glass is half full, that means my feelings towards people are 100%, other selfish things too: my pleasures of smoking, my right to always smoke, my courtesy, my fantasy, my reality, etc, and this is how I became 100% good.
I have Asperger’s and I’m capable of gay love. Just answering the professional’s question.
I’m dating my umpteenth Aspie (I was married to one for many years, and we have a child), and I’ve realized that I have quite a few traits myself. Once I know how the Aspie man shows love, it’s totally sweet and wonderful. I love that he does not yell at me (!) and I hold him when he feels overwhelmed–he’ll come and tell me that he does.
His family thinks he’s a failure as a human being, and I get angry sometimes over the things they say about him. My respect for his family loyalty keeps me from addressing this issue with him, but he seems relieved that I try to understand him. And when he says things like, “I’ll survive if we break up, but I worry I can’t give you what a normal person can.” I know the history, he has been almost suicidal over breakups before and is asking me to make a decision before we get in too deep.
One of my traits is loyalty, too. But we have a blast giggling like goofballs over word plays and can spend all day with animals and feel fulfilled–we recently had a blast talking about our horses’ quirky personalities on a trip we took. Of course, other people look at us like, “enough about the dumb horses already…” The best part of loving an Aspie is that he’s honest (we’re working together on the blunt part). I don’t have to worry about lies, because he would rather not have a relationship than have one in which he has to lie. Cool!
My Aspie is affectionate and the longer we date, the more he initiates it. Sweet enough to make you cry, I’m telling you! I’ve learned so much from him already, and hope we’re always together.
My daughter has an aspi as a friend and they have tried to get together 3 times and crashed and burned. From what my daughter tells me, he loves to a great degree and is loyal but very afraid of rejection and has had a hard homelife. He told my daughter how much he likes being with her and seemed they seemed very happy together. He has had a constant female friend in his life for almost 2 years who was my daughters friend. She actually introduced them. She herself has personal issues and a personality disorder. She is very narcissistic and runs his life. He was once interested in her, she never interested in him but strings him along. She claims to be bi. They are together 24/7 when they are not in school and even go on trips together with his family. He attempted for the 3rd time to have a relationship with my daughter and actually asked her out and when she questioned him still being with this girl alone all the time, he wound up breaking up with my daughter and pretty quickly at that. The other girl and he wanted to keep the same relationship and have my daughter as a girlfriend and my daughter couldn’t understand it. The other girl sent my daughter a text basically writing her off and the guy told my daughter he didn’t want to have to choose between my daughter and his best friend, this other girl. My daughter is pretty sure this other girl was probably with him when he texted her that he was breaking up with her(after only 5 days). My daughter and him have since made up, but not dating. He does not see my daughter outside of school because the other girl is angry with my daughter and they are done as friends. If she’s not friends with my daughter, he doesn’t come around. My daughter apologized to her but to no avail. My daughter is destroyed. She is 17 of course and hopefully will get over this. I think he is done trying but it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried again and I don’t think my daughter can go through this again. Is this some behavior of an aspie. Really sad for my daughter and I saw him like a son. Really sad. Any advice is welcome. Thanks so much.
“My daughter is destroyed. She is 17 of course and hopefully will get over this. I think he is done trying but it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried again and I don’t think my daughter can go through this again. Is this some behavior of an aspie. Really sad for my daughter and I saw him like a son. Really sad. Any advice is welcome. Thanks so much.”
No matter if he’s aspie or neurotypical or something else, teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Tell her it’s OK to stop being friends with someone after he or she treats her in an unfriendly way and makes her feel so sad. If he tries again and she tells you she feels tempted, remind her of these past problems but not in an “I told you so!!!” way, and acknowledge her losing a friend while supporting her emptionally. It’s totally possible to miss the good ways someone used to treat you, dislike the way that person treats you now, and miss who that person seemed to be then instead of putting up with who that person seems to be now.
Nobody should have to settle for that from anyone – and even staying single is better than settling for that – no matter how judgemental the “but how else can the poor guy get laid?!” crowd calls your daughter for not putting up with that behavior and not putting out for a guy treating her that way.
I love that picture. it represents a lot that humans don’t know, abd a lot that we think we know but really don’t, but most of all it represents the feeling of love. It’s human. Aspies are human.
I don’t believe so.
Let’s think about what “love” actually is and how people learn what it actually is.
Although people are taught they can “love” anything we’re taught that “being in love” is something you do with other people.
A person who experienced the emotions of “being in love” that wasn’t restricted just to people who was told that would likely not characterize it to themselves or to others as “being in love”, thinking the feeling they are having for something inanimate couldn’t possibly be that same feeling as characterized by society.
I suspect that we do experience “love”, that wonderful feeling we have when we’re knee-deep in an exciting special interest. If you think about the thought processes and emotions it’s very very similar to what people do when they are in love. When people are in love all their thoughts and emotions, their whole being is on that other person.
Love is relative and is a desire for combining your essence with another essence, which may be a thing’s essence or a person’s essence.
Meditation is a sort of love for “nothing/everything”.
I’m in love with a man who suffers from Aspergers’. Although he behaves like he loves me he tells me he does not fall in love with anyone, yet when we are not together he falls apart and is only a matter of weeks before he comes back. I’m tired of this pattern. I need to know he loves me and wants to be in a committed relationship with me. Is there any hope?
please abadon all hope in this situation
please
I don’t really believe in these disorders. I think it is all different personality traits. Seriously. Hay, some ‘normal’ people are totally incapable of love, and never show empathy, if they have it. So I think this is all just nonsense. If any being went to a psychologist and was totally open and honest, I bet you’d get diagnosed with something, whether it be Aspergers Syndrome, Bi-polar, depression or otherwise. We’re all different people.
Maybe Aspie’s just show love differently… but don’t we all? When one guy buys his loved one an expensive gift, another makes her something of sentimental value. While one takes her to her favorite place, another wants to spend the day simply holding her.
And maybe it is true that Aspie’s need less love. If they don’t tell you they love you all the time, does that really mean they don’t love you? Or is it more like, they don’t need you to say it all the time, so they assume you are already secure enough to know that they do love you?
Regardless of whether your partner has Asperges or not, there are going to be people we are not compatible with. Don’t make out like all Asperges people are the same, because even from this website, I’ve noted the differences in them, JUST LIKE THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN ANYONE.
Stop being so stereotypical.
Can I just say, I am the second oldest in a family of four kids. My older sister his aspergers, as do my younger brother and sister and I have not once thought they were any different then me when it came to every day relationships in their lives
My brother is only six, but he’s a very affectionate kid, always giving hugs when he senses one of us is feeling down or just because he wants to and always saying “love you” to everyone in the house before going to sleep and both my sisters, though not interested in love at the moment, have talked about their futures and mentioned having a husband and maybe a kid.
I have seen that, yes they find it difficult to make friends, and yeah, their not fantastic for making conversation, but they don’t shut people out either, they all try to do things with a group and when in a group get into a conversation.
So my opinion – They may take a different view on relationships, but they certainly do have love and show it in all of the things they do.
My fiancé is an Aspie, and I love him more for it. I find his quirks adorable and fascinating. :] As far as his love for me, rather than the surge of emotions and hormones that most of us feel, it almost seems to be more of a feeling of acceptance, security, and (though I kinda feel bad to say it) dependence. He gets jealous, but it seems to be because he’s scared to be without someone that cares for him versus losing me specifically. I help him interact with people effectively and he teaches, enlightens, and intrigues me. Our love isn’t wild and passionate, but it’s a fulfilling partnership for both of us. We’re happy.
I’m married to an Aspie, he does not show love of any sort, although on occasion during the first five years of marriage he pretended he did . He has no empathy for anyone and as soon as you get close to him he pushes you away. He’s cold, unemotional, and thinks that money is the only thing or his own obsessions. His Mother was also autistic and withheld her love, so if you have never been shown how will you ever learn? It matters not how much your mate tries to teach you about love, Aspies simply are not capable of the finer emotions that make living life bearable. Aspies are different and they are not like normal people. They often pretend to be like normal people, but its only an act. Aspies should only have relationships with other Aspies and stop making normal peoples lives hell.
Whoa, whoa whoa. Think about what you’re saying here. With your statements, you could easily, by removing the word ‘Aspies’ and replace it with the word ‘Jew’, have Nazi/Fascist/Stalinist dogma.
Scary, isn’t it? To be honest, I think your husband loves you. I really do. He may not show you that love the way you expect it, but just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. People with Aspergers are like geodes; hard, crusty, and dull on the outside, and glorious gems on the inside.
And please, please, PLEASE, stop throwing that word ‘normal’ around. NO ONE ON THIS PLANET IS ‘NORMAL!’ Get used to it. Yes, we are different. But so are you.
Just because your brain functions in the same manner that the majority of people’s brains do does not make you ‘better’ than aspies. It just makes you a member of the majority. We love, we feel, our hearts are broken just as yours are, and we feel emotions in a way that I’m sure only you can dream about. Just remember, we are smart. We are intelligent. We are ‘capable of the finer emotions that make living life bearable.’ We are not in the wrong. YOU are.
Absolutely agree! As an NT, I fully argue that ASs are unique and wonderful..isn’t life all about diversity after all.
We are all unique in different ways. My NT daughters mantra is, “what is normal anyway”. My AS partner is at times wiser and more empathic than myself. I have learnt a lot from him, as he has from me. Be careful of the inclination to pathologise characteristics and behaviors – this is very dangerous, as highlighted by Aspie with a heart. We need to be very wary of pathologizing an entire group which stigmatizes those as not fully human.
I agree with Aspie with a heart.
Hali – you are wrong. Be my guess you have broken his heart many more times than you could count and because you are NT you have no idea. That we aspies may not know how to express our “finer’ emotions on the outside says and reflects nothing about the OCEANS of tears we cry on our insides at hands of thoughtless self centered mocking neurotypicals. Try this for a change . treat your husband and yourself as gentle as an innocent little child who has no other motives /schemes in his mind other than the present moment and to be loved unconditionally. He may do the same . That is how i have always treated my NT wife and that is how she treats me and our kids and our world is bliss. Be a different world if we all treated each other like that . When aspies are allowed to blossom very wonderful things happen. So yes Hali you are so very wrong about us aspies. My heart aches for you and your kind.
People with Asperger can’t love?
That sounds highly bias to me. I’ve never heard such rubbish.
The little sister of my best friend who died to homicide is autistic, yet she loves like no other.
Now what would hinder love more effectively?
Aspergers or Autism?
I came to look at the picture, but I just had to add a comment about this ridiculous one-sided stereotypical uneducated blasphemous subject.
I forgot to state:
My father has Aspergers.
He shows love in a very disillusioned way, but everyone eventually understands that he loves like no other.
“Aspergers” is just another classification of a person with a troubled past.
I believe i have Aspergers then, too.
It isn’t they’re incapable of loving…
They just have such high and thick castle walls around their hearts.
Yes we are. At times I feel it so deeply that it overwhelms me. What do you say to the one you love when the language available offers you nothing that could express those feelings with the justice it so deserves. If those who doubt us could see inside us they would be astounded at the beauty we see that others can not yet comprehend.
well said jackie ! well said indeed!.
Of course aspies can love. They just show it in a different way first of all, and they tend to love other things besides other humans. An aspie can love lets say ‘going to the beach’ just as much as loving another person, so really an aspies ability to love is more open and diverse than NT’s.
Yes, at least some Aspies can love another human being very deeply (personality differs in Aspies too). How do I know? Because I’ve been officially diagnosed with Aspergers. I was married to a man whom I now believe had Narcissistic personality Disorder, he cheated on me repeatedly, I loved him deeply and am still trying to mend a badly broken heart even though it’s been over 2yrs we’ve been apart, every time I see him (when he visits our kids) it hurts me to see him again, the pain is so deep this is undoubtedly the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through, I can’t go back to him because he’s not truly sorry and I cannot bear him to break my heart again I don’t have the strength for that and he doesn’t love me anyway, he expects me to make him love me! When I was with him I did try very hard to show him love in many ways, but it was him that pushed me away because of misguided loyalty to his lover.
I remember a time before I met him I did question if I could really love someone, now I know that I can without a doubt, ‘though I kind’ve wish I couldn’t then I wouldn’t be hurting so much!
I’m an aspie… and I love it, but I don’t love that people think they know everything about us based on a diagnosis. A lot of us aspies are introverted and have trouble showing our emotions to those we do not know well.
I love my parents and my sisters with all my damn heart, I would sacrifice anything for them and i do thinks all the time to make them happy, and I tell them all the time that I love them and I hug them a lot too. I hate not being able to scocilase normally but with the support of my family I have over come allot of my problems and I go out of my comfort zone. At school I only had one friend and was harassed buy a guy who i eventually stood up to and he backed off. I really care about my bestie and I am really loyal to her because she is loyal to me.
I can love, I want to love. I’m a serious romantic at heart and it is unfair for people who aren’t an aspie to say we can’t love, that would be saying you can’t breath.
I have dreams and goals, and I plan so that they will come true, even though I have struggled and gone through hardship, I come out on top.
I found out that my shy friend is an aspie too and he is a quiet but super nice and good person.
Oh and Asperger’s is not a disorder, syndrome, disability. Our brain just works differently from average people.
I will put it this way, aspies are a minority and ‘normal’ people are the majority. If ‘normal’ people were the minority and aspies were the majority we would be diagnosing you.
We are people and we feel as much as everyone else, but were sensitive and deeply emotional, more then most people will ever understand.
People call me many different things, Quiet, shy, weird. I may be weird But I don’t go around bitching live the majority of teenage girls. I think being an aspie has made me a better person because I see things from a different perspective and I have the ability to see more then one perspective at a time and I try to understand what other people are feeling, and they sure as hell don’t even try to see what I am feeling.
This is all very interesting to me because I had a very different experience then what I am reading. I’m in my mid 40′s and a widow from a long marriage. Without realizing it I met and dated a late 40 year old HFA right out of the gate. He’s tall, handsome, bright and the most fun of any man I have ever experienced. A spontaneous man to the max. He was the most sexual and sensual man I have also ever experienced to the tune of hours on end (5 at least – seriously) every date.
I have never been with a man who enjoyed touching/kissing as much as him which made us unusually compatible and completely off the charts. He would fiercely hug me, wrapping himself around me like no man ever has. We would lay on his sofa face to face for hours and have the most amazing conversations. He was anything but rote or dull as I find NT men are. How’s that for a comment ; – )
I had no idea at the time he was HFA. He was sensitive to light, sound, and foods, all the signs were there. He would speak in half sentences only when he would talk to me in bed and when the words touched on his emotions. When I pointed this out to him he was proud of his delayed speech. I now suspect he was a math based “talented savant”. He expressed that he “loved his children” from his only marriage. He always put his children first which made me truly proud of him as a man.
In hindsight because I did not know he was HFA and because I had NT expectations, he bolted. He’s an extremely passionate person and he fully knows he is and he’s unable to deal with his intense emotions. I suspect he is probably high on feeling in his Meyers Briggs. I never read about this factor when i read about AS. He should have told me he was HFA – a woman (an NT) has a right to know these things.
I think it is true you cannot put AS people in the same box. I still struggle with having learned he (or AS people) do not feel empathy. It pains me that he now spends his life behind a computer on dating sites spinning in his head, trying to figure things out. Ok well I really am not sure but pretty sure. As Temple writes it also pains her to know so many AS people live their lives out behind a computer. She says in her interview on 60 minutes that with some kids she sneaks in their back door and others she grabs by the chin and pulls them out. But with an adult AS social code prevents this and so you can only feel sadness to know they live a life without physical touch, talking and always alone with a finger on a cold mouse.
I believe NT’s have a lot to learn about AS and there needs to be adult AS support system out there to helping HFA’s to grow and learn to deal/manage with their anxieties. Hopefully I’ve added something different to the conversation.
My Aspie man is the kindest, most loving, most honest man I have ever met. I’ve been dating him for 3 years now and he definitely knows how to love. He likes to cuddle and he’s always saying the sweetest things to me, telling me how beautiful I am and about all the different things he loves about me. We’re getting married next year and it’s going to be an interesting journey, but I’m ready for it as long as he is by my side.
please go to counseling before yo get married
I wasted 25 years with an aspie who was very famous and a genuis
I got so sick from years of living with an aspie,
I almost died
I still love him and always will
but you have no idea what you are in for…none…please please see a professional
My cousin is an aspie and is nearly 21. Never had a girlfriend, laments about never finding love, can’t bear to look at a girl, but seems to prefer them.
The comments about inner torture and lashing out are true for him too, he either tortures himself constantly with lack of optimism or lashes out at some rather minor provocations, once punching my younger sister when he was younger even though he is about 7 years older. Sometimes he seems very disinterested, playing video games when I want him to watch something I think he’d like yet, zeroing in on what he likes with a near obsession.
He’s a nice kid, talented at music and art yet tortured about the identity of his father whom he’s never known, and as an NT 16 year old girl sometimes his emotional baggage and behavior annoys me, I’m ashamed to admit. He craves love, and I have a feeling if he were to find a girl he’d nearly smother her than ignore her knowing him. I really hope he finds that girl who will unconditionally love him. He’s expressed suicidal thoughts before, and I worry, if he sees his contemporaries or myself getting married or having kids, would he take his life in despair? I nearly always worry about my cousin’s future. And yes, I believe he’s capable of love, my worry is if he’ll ever find it.
I believe that an Aspie and a N/T can never have a fufilling relationship together. If it seems on the outside that they do, then the N/T is sacrificing themselves, and all that they are, to accommodate the other.. I have been in a relationship with my Aspie Partner for 17 years.. I am now 59 trs old, and he is 47 I am sick of conforming and fitting around his bizzare behaviour.. Am i wrong to want more from life? He needs me as a mother figure, a nurturer, to steady his way around i guess …Cant do it …I want something for me.. I have always suffered from ‘Lame Duck Syndrome’ Not strong enough, anymore ….
This phrase “I am sick of conforming and fighting around his bizarre behavior” really struck me. Because I was there. Now I am in this site because I believe the guy I like has “something” which I am reasearcing as I don’t know if it is introversion or he is an ASPIE. How could I know the difference?
Hi there,
I was married to an ‘Aspie’ but did not know this at the time. I felt like I was married to a stranger. When I would encourag him to tell me more about his thoughts, feelings, he replied that his thoughts were none of my business.
We went to see a marriage therapist for two years. She was also unaware of Aspergers. In the end my husband no longer wanted to go. He said he was sick of having to be this good little boy all the time (having to work on communicating more successfully) and always being in the hot seat for not following through. I was so happy when he would try and he saw that, but then after a week or so he couldn’t be bothered.
I was never mean or demeaning to him, I loved him but in the end his paranoia convinced him I was this adversary who could not be trusted. He was devoid of empathy, compassion, could not see how much I cared, remember how supportive, loving I’d been through the years, see my distress. With no ability to put himself in my shoes, see how trustworthy I was or feel empathy, his anxiety led him to believe I had this hidden agenda to change him into someone I could control.
He asked for a divorce a few months later. He looked at me triumphantly like ‘Ha ha! I’ve won!’ We had been married for 12 years, we had a son, we were a family. I was devastated.
That was 15 years ago. All through the years he has never stopped running me down to my son and to others. He talks about me like I am crazy.
He told my son recently on two occasions, that despite my ‘mental problems’, I was the most caring, compassionate person he has ever met in his life. My son thinks he has many regrets but he needs to continually insist to himself and to others that I am mentally disturbed, to keep his denial intact.
My son loves him, but hates him at the same time for never showing love, delight in him, or giving praise.
Instead he criticized our son, would get angry at him for not liking the same things he liked. Our son is gifted with technology, but he has never valued this and has made our son feel like he is is unacceptable the way he is. Our son has suffered greatly from this emotional abuse.
My son has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, he feels without a doubt that his father has it also. Knowing his father has Aspergers and is totally unaware of the damage he has done to him emotionally does little to ease the pain.
I have visited my son at his work and it really is incredible what he has accomplished! His boss, his colleagues respect and value everything he has done. They feel lucky to have him and have told me this whenever I see them. My son took his father to his work recently, to show him all he’d accomplished. He thought if his dad could see first hand all he’d done, he might finally understand how valuable his gifts were. He so wanted his dad to be proud of him. He told me his dad looked bored and kept asking when they were going to leave to get lunch. It broke my son’s heart.
Unfortunately I have always been the target of my son’s meltdowns and anger towards his dad. You cannot imagine how awful this has been. The worst is the paranoia. He also will misinterpret my words because he cannot read my face, put himself in my shoes or understand my feelings. Paranoia takes over, reality is gone and I am now this awful person who is capable of destroying his life and he feels his anger is justified. He does not see me as I truly am anymore and is convinced I am someone he cannot trust or respect.
Can someone with Aspergers love another? I know my son loves me without a doubt but he is now sick of the anger I ’cause’ him and feels I do not deserve to have knowledge of his life. He now tells me that his dad has said such negative things about me all his life, that it’s hard not to believe him. This has caused me such heartbreak I have had to end contact.
I am now seeing a therapist who’s specialty is Aspergers. She is so supportive. It breaks my heart how Aspergers can destroy relationships.
Hi there…sorry for all your pain. I am curious because I believe my husband has Aspberger’s or some spectrum type problem….because the world seems to have to revolve around him and his needs and wants….and he totally disregards mine and our girls needs. He just doesn’t seem to see it. It is a very lonely existance….and makes me very sad. He is always trying to make me out to be the bad guy..and I do just about everything around here except go to a paying job. My oldest daughter I wonder aobut too…because she says he just doens’t care about her….he never tries to carry on a meaningful conversation..never asks her about school, doesn’t know her friends, etc. He works second shift. I asked him to go on first when she was in first grade so they would have more time together….but he was a total bastard. I would say good morning and he would say “what’s so good about it?”HE then went back on frist shift withour even discussing it. Soo…both my girls only see him on the weeends….jsut until 2 becasue he isa workaholic. Plus,,,he only gives me a small amout of money for household expenses and he hoards the rest for himself…because he hoards cars. The oldest is graduating this year…and there is no money for college. It is jut tearing me up. Thanks for listening to me vent…
Debi
He sounds more narcissistic than aspie
yes we love , but I think aspie love has its roots in our frontal lobes, as opposed to NT love having its roots in the limbic lobes. As a result , I think our aspie love is a much more refined love. A good analogy is that as NT love is to simple beat rock and roll music , Aspie love is to one of JS Bachs most beautiful/complex works.
As an aspie married to an NT female for 17 years, I can say that aspie love is much more complex and layered than NT love . So while both NT and Aspie love are each beautiful in their own way , they are very different at their core. just my thoughts–jb
IF there is a weakness in NT love it is that they rely way too much on the emotional component and the other unsavory emotions that find themself in the limbic lobe. Patience is needed by both partners. As an aspie ,we too have problems understanding/coping with NT obsessions with jealosy, greed, possesivness,envy..vengence…etc ..I could go on but I wont… So you see no-body’s skirt is clean on strange/obsessive behaviors. not aspie and certainly not neurotypicals. It is notable, that many of us aspies also view NTs as quite childlike in their behaviors and many of us feel a responsibility to gently guide the NTs in to a more evolved/gentle outlook on the world. The doors of faults does swing both ways for aspies and nts.
But we are all on this planet together and as a result we will interact with each other in many different situations including intimate/dating/marriage……so, it behooves us all, Aspergers and Neurotypicals to make great and sensitive /gentle efforts to gain a better understanding of how each of us view the world, emotionally and otherwise.
My NT wife has a beautifully gentle way of approaching my odd behaviors that makes both of us laugh and subsequently see each others perceived oddities with a much lighter mood. This helps alot.
( a note to all the aspies we have to remind our spouses that we love them frequently(I do it daily) or they will start to feel bad. just make it part of the ” I am married” protocol. Also buy them flowers sometimes for no reason and put “i love you” on the card . I am telling my fellow aspies this because I care. and i know many of us dont know to do this ( I didnt until my sister told me). )
we aspies know great things , but we fail on the little things.
just my thoughts–jb
Thanks so much for this. As an NT, i fully agree that we can harbor- how do you call it – less refined emotions and ways in the world. I guess that’s why I appreciate my AS partner so much and see him as an amazing person while others around me definitely do not. Making light of each others oddities is how we get by. We even have nicknames for certain behaviors….lots of love and laughter, that’s the key.
I don’t take what he does personally, anymore. As an incredibly independent NT, with lots of professional and personal success, I have inner resources which make it easier to handle difficult situations. We are both learning. I would like to develop my ‘gentle way’ in life. Lead on…
Oh well done John sharing the tips, and good on your sister for caring about you. Another tip, NTs love to have a cup of tea or coffee made for them, bring home the biscuits that they love too. The little things are really the big things in life. ps.Lots of NT males have no idea either.
I have asperger’s and i can love.I sometime’s i have trouble saying i love you, but it doesn’t mean i don’t.I had trouble Growing up, learning what it was like to love, and yeah, i faked it at times.But i was trying to fit in, to be normal.For those of you who say it’s a living hell, it’s very hard for us too.I sit around on Valentines day trying to figure out what everyone was doing and why their doing it.I believe we can love though.
It all depends on your belief system, some people don’t believe in disease, possible the disease is what makes one person different from the next, and so that no two persons will ever be the same new disease must be thought up by the gods. And love is just the connection we all share, so Yes anyone can love regardless of their differences which some may consider imperfections, just remember are imperfections are what make us beautiful so don’t let someone conform you and steal your independence.
I don’t know anymore, to be honest. My Aspie seems to love me and he does many little (and big) things for me, which make him happy because he is making me happy. However, the emotional aspect of our relationship is heavily wanting. He is very Jekyll and Hyde. One moment he can be the most caring, sweetest, loving man on earth and then suddenly he is hard-hearted, mean, nasty, verbally abusive, and doesn’t seem to love, want, need, or care for me. It is a large, looping roller-coaster of four years and my health (mental and physical) have both suffered for it. I love him very deeply and I’m a mothering type of person *sometimes* so it sometimes works out. I guess, in my experience, an Aspie can love (to what degree or if it’s real or learned from tv or something, I have no answer) but have difficulty expressing it consistently.
interesting world —-I view most NTs as somthing like a bipolars with wild swings in emotions, and I wish they could all be like me . And I imagine many NTs see aspies like DATA –an android incabable of a loving state of mind. By some miracle a few of us find true love and somehow see past eachother issues….
having said that , i do love (aspie type) my wife dearly.
I am sure my wife overlooks alot… I have to admit, I am alot like Mr. DATA tring to figure out love. I am much more comfortable figuring out how to make a brain regenerate new neurons after a stroke than tring to understand love from an NT standpoint
I have had a relationship with an Aspie for over a decade. I have tried really hard to communicate and adjust my expectations and try to get some compromise from him on little things. He won’t budge.
I am tired of hearing from NT’s how they must accomodate their Aspie partners and from Aspies their excuses. What about our needs? Why do NT’s suddenly have to abandon any chance of happiness for a relationship that is fatally flawed from the start?
Yes, some Aspies are much better than others, but most are difficult to say the least. Eccentric or quirky is fine, unfeeling and selfish is not.
If Aspies cannot fit into normal marriages or friendships with NTs, maybe they ought to seek out their own kind but sadly, they hardly ever do! Most Aspie men choose highly emotive women and then wonder why their insensitivity, stinginess, lack of empathy, sexual inadequacies and more irritate them.
Although I know my partner loves me I have made the painful decision to be alone rather than be in an inadequate relationship where I must rely on others for emotional support and love. There were so many turning points, like when my dad died or when I got sick or when I lost my job that I got zero support from him. The other fallacy NTs need to face is that Aspies don’t lie or don’t cheat. Like Nt’s they come in all colours and mine also cheats compulsively. His explanation “it’s extremely complicated” just didn’t cut it with me.
In the end, it was not Aspbergers but selfishness that made me leave. I was disgusted with our sex life as he made love like a robot and wanted sex compulsively even though he could never get an erection and would not discuss it. I never felt loved or special. He looked like he was fixing the engine to his car!
I do feel sort of sorry for him but not much because he is happy with his life and my leaving it hardly made a dent in my opinion. Despite the occasional bout of romantic rhetoric (which I suspect he learnt from romantic movies he watches on DVD when alone in the house) he was never there for me once when I really needed him. Yes, he has many, many redeeming features but I would rather be alone the rest of my life than continue to be disappointed, disgusted and fed-up. I don’t believe Aspies are evolutionarily advanced, quite the opposite, I see it as a mental illness/disability for which there is no cure and which makes the family and friends suffer more than the patient. I feel sympathy for anyone with mental illness or disability but I would not chose another Aspie just as I would not choose a schizophrenic or someone who is a depressive or psychopath or has problems with compulsions or obsessions. There are better things to do in life than let someone hurt and disappoint you over and over again for years! Wake up to yourselves, if you’re not happy today- it ain’t gettin’ any better any time soon!
well stated..i concur 100%
Hi Imleavinghometoday, what you have typed has shown a total lack of empathy to those with aspergers, the emotion you claim we seem to lack.
It also shows a high degree of hate towards us. People with aspergers are just as worthy and capable of giving and accepting love as ‘normal’ people.
I know that we have bad body language and are not good at giving and receiving normal social ques but we are really sensitive, loving and emotional people. I don’t know if you realise it, or maybe you don’t care but what you said is really hurtful and offensive. read bellow and think how ths would make you feel if someone said that to you;
“I don’t believe Aspies are evolutionarily advanced, quite the opposite, I see it as a mental illness/disability for which there is no cure and which makes the family and friends suffer more than the patient. I feel sympathy for anyone with mental illness or disability but I would not chose another Aspie just as I would not choose a schizophrenic or someone who is a depressive or psychopath or has problems with compulsions or obsessions. ”
The truth is that people with aspergers are highly intelligent and most suffer from depression because of the bullying and isolation they suffered during there childhood, and teen years.
Imagine what it would be like to be harassed or ignored, to never be fully accepted by your peers… It hurts, and it cuts into our very beings.
This leaves a lot of us scared to show how we feel because fear of rejection, which regularly occurs for us because most ‘normal’ people think were to weird and don’t even give us a chance to be accepted.
Quite a lot of people feel shame to have asperger’s although their is nothing wrong with it.
All we want is to be able to socialise normally and to make friend, we often crave companionship and attention because we are very affectionate people.
I have aspergers and I can love and I am worthy of love, true love is when you accept people for who they are and don’t try to change them, only try to help them.
Go ahead and think that Aspergers is a mental illness, however that is just judgmental and uneducated.
You talk about love and empathy but you don’t seem to be showing those qualities.
People with aspergers have different personalities to and not all cheat or lie, just like some normal people cheat or lie.
Don’t judge us based on your bad expirience and please quit spreading the hate. If you feel that way let you negative attitude eat away at your own soul, don’t subject us to that, we already have to much to deal with.
I view Aspergers as a positive thing, its an advantage…I wouldn’t be who I am without it and that is a nice, honest, caring girl… I might have ended up like one of those teenagers that muck up and treat what they have with disrespect, the kid’s you consider normal.
Vee rocks!
I coudnt agree more.
I am thoroughly, ridiculously, eternally in love with my aspie man. I understand the ways he says that he loves me back are different, but there is NO doubt that he loves me. Every day he tries to understand how I think and move through the world and tries with all his heart to express himself in ways that make sure I understand this love. His main concern in life is keeping me safe, and I’ve never met a kinder soul. No doubt, apsies can love, and be loved.
My father was an aspie and so was his father. I have 2 brothers that are aspie . we all have IQs well over 150. If the good Lord is half as gentle and kind and accepting as my father was, then God is a pretty nice guy. Aspies can love and I do think our love is a better love than NT love. there are dysfunctional people /personalities in aspie world just as in Nt world. Dont blame that on aspergers. But all else being equal; I would take aspie love over Nt love as apsie love is a much more unconditional love, in my opinion. It is much more pure love. As for the people who really dispise aspies….hey if I could , I would make everyone on earth an aspie like myself because I think our prefrontal lobes are more developed than NTs ……thats not bad , but it is different. Soon enough the ratio of ASD folks to NT will be 1:2,or1;3 or 2;3, or …………….. 1:1 then what? ………………. will we mix? ………….will we separate?
Love is Love and when it is there things work out ……Neurotypicals can love just as fully as aspies can love just as fully as a cat can love just as fully as a dog can love another human…….. pure love is pure love and nothing is more beautiful. Nothing is more selfless.
My God, yes!! People with aspergers CAN love. Both my brother and one of my sisters has aspergers. ok so maybe there mental capacity isn’t up to speed like a ‘normal’ person. But sure as hell they can love. My brother regularly tells me that he loves us.
LOVE is LOVE. Just because they are challenged doesn’t mean they are incapable of love, and honestly anyone who thinks that I am wrong, should come and live with me for a week and see what it is really like!
I have an aspie boyfriend who is much older than me. His behaviour is very challenging to me because my ego tells me how things should be whereas he does not appear to have an ego. He is not jealous and only ever wants me to enjoy myself and be happy. He has learned that rather than telling me what I should do or what he wants me to do if he just leaves it to me I will be happy. He has given up trying to figure out what goes on in my ego centred brain. He lives in the moment so if that means having a coffee with an ex girlfriend he will because he sees that as loyalty. This is how I know he has loved because there are some people he just cannot let go of. It takes Aspies a long time to trust and become familiar with their NT friends but when they love you, you will never get rid of them. Just because they do not demonstrate love in the normal ego centred way with jealousy, possessiveness and pursuit of physical perfection does not mean they don’t love. I would go so far as to say they love in the purest way possible without the ego driven pettiness that often typifies NT so called love. I have had a hard time because I have had to let go of a lot of bullshit in my own inner world. I would recommend a relationship with an Aspie to someone who was on the advanced spiritual path. The Aspie will expose all your bullshit and reflect it in a mirror back to you and if you do not have a degree of intra-personal insight and emotional intelligence it will be too confronting. Acceptance, grace, forgiveness and the ability to live in the present are all qualities I have learned as a result of being with my beautiful if not infuriating darling Aspie man.
I agree with you
though, any partner aspie or not will expose your “bullshit” as you put it
I still do believe however that a long term marriage with an aspie
is an exhausting and draining experience
one I wish I could have lived without
I believe they can love
but I dont want to spend the rest of my life decoding them
i learned that I have needs too, and ignoring them has almost cost me my life
im done
all the very best to you
I realized about a week ago that my husband has Asperger Syndrome. I thought for a long time that the problems we were having, the problems he has had in past relationships, as well, were simply his choice to not open up, to not give…to withhold himself. I understood that, as I have done that, myself. I thought that he would eventually open up with enough time, love, and patience.
Time went on, and there were some changes…he learned to hug and kiss me, although I had to remind him often, and he made time to talk to me more. But things were just not quite right. I began to worry, because I felt a complete lack of passion, of wanting, from him. I worried that the only reason he was with me was because I loved him and wanted him to be there. That he was showing me a bit more attention, and tidbits of affection seemed to me to be tokens that he would use simply to keep me quiet… there seemed to be no interest in any of those things on his part.
I began to question him… if he loved me, why didn’t he want to touch me, spend time with me, make me feel special…blah, blah, blah….
During one of my ever increasing screeching and crying sessions, while I was telling him if he would only do this or that, and thank you for putting your arm around me at church, that was wonderful… He looked up at me and said so sweetly and sincerely “you liked that?” I realized in that moment that he really had NO IDEA what I had been complaining about over and over, and that it most certainly wasn’t an issue that was going to just disappear after awhile, on its own. The more I thought about it, and about our time together, I realized that I knew exactly the issue. I googled Asperger Syndrome and knew for certain what the answer was.
He fit so many of the criteria that I read on site after site… delayed speech, fighting A LOT as a kid, only feeling comfortable in his life after he found math, only eating certain foods prepared certain ways, issues with touch, taking things people say VERY LITERALLY, being a walking encyclopedia about soccer stats, teams, and players, as well as names, dates, and everything you could ever want to know about any war, ever. Issues with relationships, and sex. On and on, forever ad infinitum… but when I read a post by an aspie, I cried like a baby when he referred to the “aspie grin”.
I know that he doesn’t intentionally hurt me. I know he does not understand that I actually NEED his attention and affection, that I NEED to know that he loves me, and wants me, and thinks I’m beautiful. I realize that he thinks I’m being irrational, and overly emotional, and that he really believes that it should be enough that he is here.
I know, too, that he loves me in his own way. I don’t ever want to lose him. I want to be able to work together to find a way that we can both be happy and have both our needs met, but I don’t know how…
I have a terrible crush on someone with asperger’s syndrome. The “I can’t sleep, can’t eat” type of crush. I work with him and I’m seriously considering quitting my job and looking for another one because seeing him every day is torture. I told him a long time ago that I have a crush on him and he told me that he doesn’t want a relationship because he works too hard to have a girlfriend. Which is fine, I just don’t want to be tortured with seeing him every day. I also wonder if he doesn’t like me for other reasons, but is just too kind to say so. He is probably the purest soul I have ever met in my life. He’s so shy and unsure of himself, and it’s weird because I’ve never met anyone so close to perfection in my life. I really hope that he finds someone who notices what I notice about him, but I can’t be tortured to see him every day.
Hi All,
After two years of marriage I finally convinced my AS husband to have a child. He has a very mild form of AS. It is most certainly challenging at times but ive found away to communicate with him and Ive gotten used to asking for what I need and he will usually oblige me. I am 7 months pregnant and he refuses to attend our childs birth. I am extremely upset and distressed about it. He had heard stories about his friends wives giving birth, he has seen it on documentaries etc and refuses to attend. I told him he didnt have to look and that all I needed him to do was hold my hand. I told him that his presents would be a great comfort to me. I have a doula who is also his cousin who he is close too. I figgured this would be a good choice because he knows her and she would be able to deal with both of us. He says that men dont have to attend the birth and that hey can wait in the waiting room and this was done for decades until recently when men attend births. I normally get my way and he normally makes his decissions based on “the right thing to do” but that doesnt apply in this case aparently. He understands that it is painful because he said that women moan and scream. I am so upset and feel that for the first time I will feel resentment towards him. I really feel like I need him their for support. However, for people who have experienced this is this more trouble them its worth? am I asking for an even worse experience by having him their?
Thanks!
I am a woman with asperger’s and have been told “no man will ever love me” in various ways by different people. At some point, I became willing to accept this. You can’t have everything you want, after all. Now one of my very few long time friends appears to be head over heels for me. He is devoted, gives me gifts, always helpful, cares about what I want, explains to me all these social oddities I want to learn about and tells me “if you got out a little more, a lot of men would date you.”. I keep giving into his advances, when I know I might have to reject him. I am debating whether to tell him how much I like him or telling him I can’t, knowing that relationships with aspies are supposed to be horrible. I love him and don’t want to hurt him.
My boyfriend has Asperger’s Syndrome and we’ve been together for almost a year now. He’s always telling me how much he loves me, how he wants to be with me forever and how he can’t imagine life without me. People with Aspergers are as capable of love as people without. Also, I’m not autitstic. I have Trichotillomania, depression, and a slight case of OCD, but otherwise nothing. I love my boyfriend for everything he is. He’s the sweetest, kindest, most gentle, caring, and precious human being I’ve ever met. Yeah, he can be quite distant. Yeah, he has a hard time with words some times. Yeah, he rants about things that upset him a lot. Yeah, he worries about the future all the time, and yeah, when he doesn’t take his meds he gets super hyper and crazy, but I accept and love him for who he is, and I look forward to our future together.
People with AS are very capable of love. I know because my 24 year old boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we both love each other very much. He shows me as much as he can how much he loves me. If we argue he apologizes by the end of the day and then cuddles me afterward. On every Valentines day he gets me a present, even though he don’t like the holiday. When our son was born he was right there by my side running his fingers through my hair telling me everything will be okay. When I was homeless he took me in when no one else would. Hes done so much to prove to me that he loves me and this is why were able to make our relationship work even though it is complicated at times. Living with someone who has AS isn’t easy but its well worth it!
Hi guys, I am dating a man with Asperger’s. I am NT, and I keep hitting moments where, frankly, I get overwhelmed.
In a lot of ways, I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t fit a lot of the descriptions I find of men with Asperger’s. I know that it is easy to find misinformation, but I have seen so much about Asperger’s marriages not working because the aspie can’t communicate, or married partners living like single parents because the aspie doesn’t engage with the children… all kinds of stuff like that.
A bit of background, my boyfriend was diagnosed as an adult, and he says that once he had a diagnosis things “clicked” for him about his life. He’s had eleven years since then, and he has taken that time to learn about himself and Asperger’s, and as he says, “make it work for him” when he can.
To that end, as a girlfriend, I will say this. He is highly communicative, expressive, physically and verbally affectionate, and in many ways the boyfriend I dreamed about for ages. He has friends, and he is in frequent contact with them. According to many resources I have found, none of these things should be the case with many aspies. But it’s all true for him.
At the same time, I worry about difficulties in the future. Will we be able to parent together? Are there sides of him I haven’t seen that I won’t be able to handle?
Recently, a friend of mine (who my boyfriend has not yet met) invited the two of us over for dinner in about a week’s time. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend (over the phone), he panicked. It was very stressful and scary for me, and draining for both of us. When I talked to him the next day, he was feeling calmer and we are now (I hope) ready for this little dinner party. He says he is looking forward to meeting my friends.
He told me recently that every relationship he has had has ended badly and with the woman leaving him, and he is afraid I will do the same. I didn’t know how to respond, other than to tell him I was here now, and I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
Aspies, does this sound familiar?
NT partners, am I stressing over nothing? I am feeling so overwhelmed, both by how wonderful he is and by how unsure I am of the future. I would appreciate any feedback I can get…
I’m an NT in a two-year relationship with an Aspie partner.
Sounds like you both are a really good fit. Sounds like you will have issues further into your relationship, like every single relationship under the sun!
I think ultimately the success is about whether you’re willing to be open and honest with each other, even if that is difficult, and *staying* open and honest with each other when the problems start, which they will in some fashion. I think ultimately that’s it, that’s what keeps a relationship going. There are a million ways you can start to shut down for good on each other.
How did your dinner party go?
As aspies , we are all quite scared (mortified) of social encounters. My wife has to handle me with kid gloves when she wants me to goto dinner with someone i dont know. Doing it with great gentleness, and with soft quiet humor to encourage the aspie is a good way . She knows that me as an aspie is scared to death by the thought of social encounters like that ,so Having her stay close to me during the event helps alot . For NT the equal would be to be on a very high ledge and afraid of heights ..and have a brave person holding your hand …how scared you would be, and then have the brave person who has been holding your hand ,,,just walk away and leave you there…..you would be awful scared and might feel some panic… that is a pretty good way to understand our fear. when we say stay with me during the party , the above is why we say that ….we are really really scared and your being near us makes us feel safe.
hope this helps
Thank you for your reply! My boyfriend and I are working on these issues… we keep hitting roadblocks, but we have not given up yet. I am doing my best to be encouraging while also being honest about my fears and concerns… we’ll see what happens next.
Yes, this is my partner. I really don’t mind being there for him. Sometimes I need him for various things and he also accommodates my needs beautifully. His confidence has grown since we got together. That is the hallmark of a good relationship – supporting each other and helping each other grow.
i have aspergers ive loved people but in the end they turn their backs on me because they cant pretend to care about me anymore….. i love some people but they dont feel the same…
*Sigh* I just don’t get it? What makes anyone think that people with AS can love? After all, look at Einstein, probably the biggest aspie on the planet to ever exist. He was married and when his wife died he was devastated.
Now, I shall point to myself. I was diagnosed with AS approximately four years ago, around the time that Aspergers was removed from the Spectrum and placed in a category of its own. I have loved my entire family for my entire life, especially my little brother, without whom I would just die. I am also a diehard Christian and thus an integral part of my belief system is that EVERYONE, no matter WHO they are or HOW they think, have the ability to love. I am thoroughly disgusted with the notion that anyone, especially NT’s who only see the outside shells that we typically put up, think that they can judge us.
What I really hate, however, is when us aspies are said to be inferior and incapable of things that ‘only normal people can do’, as is being claimed in this article. I feel I must point out that you were probably writing this on a computer, with a light bulb in the room, possibly with some Mozart playing, while the light bulb and the music player are being powered by electricity that comes from a nuclear power plant…
You get the picture.
Without the efforts of aspies, this claim that you are making would not be able to be made. The technology that WE created is helping YOU insult us. This is, understandably, infuriates me. I guarantee that five minutes of research or five minutes in a room with an aspie would dispel every bit of this ridiculous, ludicrous, completely unfounded, outrageously insulting hypothesis that does not even deserve to be called a theory.
Proverbs 1: 22-27 “Simple fools, how long will you be content with your simplicity? If only you would respond to my reproof, I would give you my counsel and teach you my precepts. But because you refused to listen when I called, because no one attended when I stretched out my hand, and would have nothing to do with my reproof, I in my turn will laugh at your doom, and deride you when terror comes upon you, and your doom descends like a whirlwind. Insolent men delight in their insolence; STUPID MEN HATE KNOWLEDGE.”
Aspie with a heart, I would love to get in touch with you if that’s ok. I am a Christian also and have been very intrigued by the whole Aspie/faith connection or lack thereof. What’s the best way to get in touch?
Yea!! As i sit here wearing my shirt that says “team mitochondria” ….i could not agree more!
jb
you speak for many of us aspies. thankyou .
I don’t think the Aspie is why i can’t get love. I just simply am too ugly for the type of girl I want and I am toos tuborn to go for anything but a pretty girl. I hope some good looking girl likes me for me. I’m shallow but alas. I can’t help it. I too am christian but I believe God forsake me long ago.
Must correct myself. Apparently I neglected to add the apostrophe and the ‘T’ at the end of can in my second sentence. Oops
At 23 I realized that I had been an Aspie my whole life. The odd part was I learned from the South Park episode titled “Assburgers” in which Stan Marsh (for those who don’t know, he’s a lead role) is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. Fans will recognize that this was actually really recent for it’s a fairly new episode. In fact the discovery came within a few days after I had yet again torpedoed another relationship. This one romantic.
The reasons behind the break-up were not due to a lack-there-of affection on my part, but more because of the Anxiety attack I suffered upon learning certain things about her past. Some things you just can’t surprise an Aspie with, I guess.
Affection, however, is my strong suite. Never have I had a girlfriend that could claim I wasn’t romantic, sweet, attentive and fun. Getting a Girl I can connect with on at least a partial intellectual level seems to be the hardest part. Especially considering that flirtation is such a subtle and nuanced game of racquetball and I was born without a paddle.
I am not worried, though, good things come to those good people who are patient.
Honestly as an Aspie, I basically don’t even tell people I have it. I didn’t even kno w what NT meant until like 5 minutes ago. Idk. I really don’t think my problem is being an Aspie it’s I’m ugly lol. That’s really all it come’s down to. Looks, money, power. That’s what it is. I don’t know how I would do in love because I have neevr been in a relationship. i desired to have a wife when i was like in kindergarten. So I want love. But, I don’t know if I deserve it. I’m not a good person. I’m ugly, I’m pretty harsh, I enjoy being alone. i trust no one. I’ve had so many be fake to me. I just don’t think I deserve it. On top of that, I’m supercial. I’ve considered dating a chick who’s ugly… but I just couldn’t do it. Sorry, But I’ve suffered too much to settle like so many i know. I’m ambitious, I want a big life. I want love honestly. I want someone who will care about me. Someone who would be worth caring about. If given the opportunity, I could be good at love. But no one worth it has given me that opportunity because they do not want a 5’6, red-haired, skinny, due with facial hair, glasses, acne and dandruff with no money or job and who’s strange and has a hard time connecting with people a chance. It’s ok though. I’ll get a girl. I’m me after all
my brother is aspie -never dated –44yrs old thought he was gonna be alone all his life -kinda funny looking ..has a true photographic memory , so very odd guy . then one day his coworker ‘forced’ him to meet his chilean house maid, 1yr later they got married she became US citizen and they had had a baby boy.with his memory it was simple for him to become fluent in spanish. WHO KNEW! ? so always hope
“…I really don’t think my problem is being an Aspie it’s I’m ugly lol…
“…On top of that, I’m supercial. I’ve considered dating a chick who’s ugly… but I just couldn’t do it. Sorry, But I’ve suffered too much to settle like so many i know…”
It’s good that you do have some empathy for the women who just couldn’t date men who look as “ugly” as you and don’t want to settle for you like so many people you know have settled, instead of accusing those women of being more superficial than you are.
external beauty fades very quickly in life …. Inner beauty is eternal and that is what we should all be searching for in eachother and basing our relationships on in this world and the next. shallowness and superficiality are the opposite of inner beauty. Way to much of that on this planet.
I believe the proper question is: Are , psychiatrists, family members and exes that believe those with Aspergers are incapable of love, are they incapable of love???? Love is more than a mere emotion. It is something that all need. It is something we do, it is a doing thing. It is like breathing, which no one can live without. So to live, we need to love and to be loved.
Of course they can. My brother who I love dearly expresses to us all the time about how much he loves us.
I am a woman with AS. I start to wonder if I can love – outside my own head, I mean. I think I may just be capable of crushes and obsessions and the interest drains out of me if someone reciprocates. The people who want to be with me – they just become annoying. I begin to feel burdened and irate. Meanwhile, I am dreaming up some wonderful romance with a man who’s barely spken to me for two years.
Maybe we do just live inside our heads, where everything is clean and calm.
It was a difficult relationship. It lasted far longer than I’d expected. It was the first time anyone I’d wanted had ever wanted me back. But the feeling just died, on my side. I don’t find him repulsive, but I don’t find him attractive any more. The trouble was all this time, I was continually thinking of this other man – a cold, unkind man who is, I think, Aspie (not that the AS causes how he behaves – I know other people I am sure are AS, who are sweet and good-natured). I never told my boyfriend about this infatuation. I was appalled at how it stayed in my mind. Years of it.
It only finished yesterday. I did that. I was appalled at myself, for turning someone away when I am so very alone. I begin to think I am only capable of loneliness and anger, that I don’t suit any other style.
Just before the break-up, I saw the Aspie man walk by (not speaking to me, as usual) and I thought: All he could ever offer me was small talk about his obsessions, and hatred of me. He decided I was wrong about whatever and developed this massive grudge against me. Once that had gone, there was nothing there: I vanished from his mind.
I don’t know if I can carry on this break-up. My boyfriend wants me back and I feel so alone. I might go back out of sheer loneliness and fear. I know how bad that is. But I was alone for 20 years before that and I’m bad with people. I suppose if we do that, and it’s a mistake, it’ll fall apart in the end anyway.
I can’t believe that the one time someone loved me back, it all faded and I remained obsessed with someone who didn’t even like me. It’s such a bitter thing.
So if I’m representative of Aspies at all – maybe we can’t love. Maybe it’s too much, the same way everything else is too much.
And I haven’t said anything about my boyfriend’s feelings, have I.
This is a mess. I’m a mess right now.
Ouch, I hope things are starting to feel a little less messy to you 3 or 4 weeks on.
I understand your feelings. I have felt that way in the past too and wondered if it means I’m not capable of love.
But I wonder – how do you know if it’s not simply just the old fears of rejection rearing their massive head? That shit bubbles up so strongly, it can cut off your feelings.
huytongirl; WOW that sounds like some nasty version of hell. it is too bad there isnt an aspie user’s manual. We aspies should create one for our troubled/confused /younger aspie brethren . that way, each of us wouldnt have to keep reinventing the wheel -so to speak. maybe it would decrease/prevent some misery in life.
“I was appalled at myself, for turning someone away when I am so very alone.”
I think you did the right thing! Being in a bad relationship can be in a good relationship can be better than being alone – AND being in a bad relationship can be worse than being alone!
If you don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with someone, if you don’t find that someone attractive, it’s OK to turn that someone away instead of settling for being in a romantic relationship with that person.
I guess one gets drawn into oneself, and the heart is not energetic enough to seek another person out. One can go through years without surfacing to any level where another person can be contacted.
I dont think that is it. I know a man who has been all over me at one time and then he goes back into his cave and shuts down for no reason. We never once had a fight and everything is great and then BOOM !!!
They are scared of NTs, they have low self-confidence and there isnt a NT person on this Earth that can have a successful relationship with the. I tried everything, I am a very patient person, but nothing works.
facinating viewpoint
Dear all of you who lives a life of not sharing anything withyour husband .
He constantly confuses me: Is he not aware of how his behavour makes me cry. Is his insulting ways deliberate or is he realy not aware? I do not know what to do or what decion I should make. Is it deliberate or is he not aware?
We sleept in the same bed for many years, because he feels that what you are suppose to do in his words.
He is married because that is what you are suppose to do.
We should have sex bacause that is what married people are suppose to do.
When I try to make love to him, he is rough and gives me physical pain in certain area. When we finally gets to the final act, he cannot perform.
When I met him, I was a widow, so I do know what lovemaking entails. To me it is sharing your love for one another and your physical boddies become one.
He blames me for not wanting to make love and of course that is another reason to be angry at me..
I am asking myself if his condition prevents him for having any empathy and emotions? If that is the case
that explain why he cannot love anybody and in partular me.
Someboddy help
Sincere;y
Gitta
“…When I try to make love to him, he is rough and gives me physical pain in certain area…”
That’s terrible! No, you should not have to endure someone else causing you physical pain during sex, not even if that someone is your husband!
My son lives with AS. He is as capable of love as any other person. Who would think different?
When I first dated my partner (about 15 years ago) he told me during one of our wine drinking ‘getting to know one another’ conversations, that he would surely love me if he knew how to, or what it was. As we had both been divorced a few years back I thought I understood that having been in a relationship that ended badly, it was difficult to believe that love between man and woman really existed. It is only in the last two years that I have even known what Aspergers is. Now I am living with my partner and worried about so many things. Getting nearer to retiring age, I wonder what would happen if I should become ill and need help with looking after the home, cooking washing, ironing etc as I know he would not be able to do it. Before I moved in he did the bare minimum and lived on take aways, sandwiches and cereals. I just thought then that he reminded me of an absent minded proffesser, who I really just wanted to take care of! I really think that at the end of the day he would not want me around if I became a liability. I would love it if anyone could give me reassurance but somehow I am not expecting any!
Oh dear one, you needn’t worry . Once an aspie cares enough for a person to live with them , they are in the”tribe” so to speak , and so are for ever in the heart of an aspie .. our devotion is legendary. Ok to worry about stuff in life , but i would not worry about that one. My filipina wife had brain injury after terrible MVA 15 yrs ago when she rolled her car on the way home after dropping kids at school.. ( bliateral rib fractures 1-7 in back and 1-5 in front , broke back in 3 places, put head thru side window( lots of glass and major cuts), severe pulmonary contusions both lungs. Both lungs collapsed and she had lots of bleeding into both lungs and sustained a caridac contusion. Broke her left arm in 3 places and ended up with bilateral chest tubes and was on a ventilator for 10 days). 4 months later, She healed up physically , but it changed her personalitiy and lost ability to enjoy life for the fun of of it and lost ability to pay bills, and other tasks that require matrix thinking, etc. I am still with her. Me and the kids do the best we can with chores and cooking and bills and our world is wonderfully eccentric. Dumping her was a thought that never entered my aspie mind.
After 15 yrs, she is just beginning show signs of her pre-accident self. So healing from TBI takes a long time. But as an aspie husband , time means nothing to me when it comes to her. i hopes this helps some.
jb
Wow John, your story is incredibly moving. Your marriage and devotion is not only a sign that aspies can love, it gives you hope for humanity in general. Thanks for sharing.
Not nearly as dramatic but I have lots of stories of my aspie beau’s thoughtfulness and attentiveness. I came home from a work trip to find my entire house cleaned (we don’t live together), flowers on the table and all of my habitual food stocked up x 2 or 3. We need to share more stories like these.
Hello distraught and sad
I hope you wont mind if I say the truth
he would go back and do the ‘bare minimum’
you would live on sandwiches
I almost died in the care of an aspie ( 25 years together0
when I became ill
it was a nightmare
may I encourage you to get alot of support now
surround yourself with alot of friends….seek out warm and loving people
you will never find th elove you seek with an aspie…not even close
perhoas they can love, I think they can…but its in a forgien langauge that I dont speak
so its always a strain and a drain
I wish I could give you reassurance
I cannot
but I hope I gave you some reality
blessings
teach him how to to cook something other than cearal and sandwiches and he will know how to cook them.
we aspies are not monkeys,not baboons. we enjoy SIMPLE meals.
one other thing –some of us do know how to take care of people . when my wife was brought to the emergency room after her car accident, you see i was the Physician who took care of her in this little town of 1200 people and she was almost dead when she arrived at the hospital – her pulse was 40 oxygen was 80 % on 100%o2, blood everywhere,blood pressure was horrible , she couldnt breath,her back was broken ,left arm was mangled ,,just a big nightmare . I credit my aspie ability to dispense with my emotions and deal with the situation at hand, in cool headed, logical fashion with saving my wife’s(my angels) life that day. I will tell you it takes an enormous amount of force to break the 1st five front ribs on both right and left side in a human and thus the associated lung damage is also emormous.
many times they simple die a few days later due to massive lung failure.
The nurse gave me a hug as the helicopter lifted off and took my wife to a trauma hosp for further care after we stabilized her. Strange; I remember thinking ” why are you hugging me?” but i was still in aspie logic mode. As a result of her TBI (traumatic brain injury), i have since created a neuroprotective protocol for TBI and stroke patients. Many people (many NTs) have benefited from her trials and tribulations because of her aspie husband. Most of our aspie contributions to society are done quietly without fanfare and as aspies thats how we like it, because we are humble and we are shy. If NTs knew the whole of our contributions to society, they would faint.
so yes ,many of us aspies can take care of people just fine. Actually my wife says I am her Hero .
and oh yes – i have a degrees in pharmacy ,chemistry and 2 degrees in medicine.(almost flunked english) but you are right i am a
crappy cook …. left to my own devices i like hamburger and rice and scrambled eggs-(microwaved) _for breakfast lunch and supper. but that aint all bad is it? more primitive than bad —i like to think
Hi there, Reading this thread has been absolutely tonic for me these days. Been having a rough go with an Aspie boyfriend (just over a year together).
My guy is amazing. Smart, funny, quirky, real. Related to what someone said earlier about one of the purest souls they’d ever met. We share a lot in common in outdoor stuff.
My challenges and frustrations stem from the love or I’d say investment (emotional) issue. Not that he doesn’t show that he cares or is attracted to me. He’s one of the most attentive lovers I’ve ever had. It’s the dramatic changes in tempo. So, when we first met he told me he was in love with me and ached because he couldn’t see me. Then sometimes lately he is aloof or distant, unsure. It’s the back and forth that drives me crazy.
Recently he told me that he doesn’t want to meet my family because it’s too far and he doesn’t really like the place (province) very much. ! Not that he doesn’t want to meet them. At worst, I feel like a doll or game that is interesting when he wants to pick it up. But I am not allowed to make any demands.
At best, when I’m feeling Ok, I know in my gut that he is invested. I understand that he expresses and maybe experiences emotions differently. He told me that he isn’t sure he can feel deeply. And that he cares about me, wants to be with me, knows I’m special and appreciates our time together. He told me to watch his actions and not his words. That has been immensely helpful for me. (until he shifts suddenly)…
As I write this I realize that my question is answered. He does show investment and make an effort to make me understand or feel better. It is just such a different way of showing investment. I’m so crushed that he doesn’t want to meet my family in another province. It struck me what was said earlier that NTs dating AS must let go of them meeting us halfway. That’s what I’m struggling with. I love him dearly but not sure that I can go without compromise on his side in the long-term.
I too have been with an Aspie man for about the same time and also reading this site with intensive interest and hoping to find answers and ways to better understand my boyfriend. We started out as friends, neighbors actually, and it grew into the love we have today. In the beginning I had no idea about his Asperger’s, but I work with an agency that deals with mental health and recognized the signs within about 6 months of being together. I shared my knowledge with him (as he had concerns about his son also) and we talked about it and he admitted he thought about it before and actually feels better knowing.
In the beginning of our relationship, I truly felt used and there was no way this man really loved me. After 3 months of being together he told me that he wasn’t a person that could have long term relationships and broke up with me. It almost literally killed me. I live only 2 doors down from this man and it was very hard to get on with my life with him so close. He had been married before and with the stories he shared with me, I become to realize that he had no idea what a true marriage was all about. He had grown up with a mean stepmom and he had no respect for woman. He had other relationships after his divorce, but nothing more than a few weeks. He warned me that he wasn’t sure how to love and if he was capable of such a thing. He had no prior experience in his life and all he ever knew were woman that hurt him. So, looking back, I shouldn’t have been too surprised over the break-up ha?
To make a long story shorter, he came to me and told me that he missed me terribly and wanted to get back together. Now looking back at that, it must have taken a lot for him to say that to me as he has the hardest times discussing his feelings and expressing himself. But he asked if I would go slow as he didn’t want to jump into anything that he would regret. And that is exactly what we did.
He had also told me that during his life, he had only cried 3 times…when his wife left him for another man, when his grandfather died and when his first son was born (they were happy tears!). After the holidays last year I was giving some things back to him to take to him house and because of this, he felt I was breaking up with him. (I still wasnt aware of the Asperger’s at this time, so some stressful conversations about being together and his lack of “love” was hindering our relationship.) He began to cry…silently, tears rolling down his cheeks, but something I never thought he could do. I was so very surprised at this, at that moment I knew he loved me. And, with some prodding, the words “I love you” came out of his mouth. That was our turning point.
After realizing his limitations and reading anything to do on Aspergers, I have so carefully taken any steps to help understand this man and how he feels and thinks. I limit our emotional conversations as much as possible, but if there is issues that come up or feelings that I feel necessary to share about our relationship and/or changes I need, I do take a few days to think them over and how best to approach the subject to him. He is so very smart and find our conversations are interesting and fulfilling. He has such a strong memory and ability to remember words to songs and dates that it amazes me! Oh, yeah, he may go on and on about a subject or two, but I feel that when he talks to me about this (and some days I understand, and others is just nod my head) he is sharing part of his life with me and its important I know these things as well.
Recently I have come to realize that the fact he lives at his house and me at mine, its hard to become a “family” with those boundaries. He does come over on the weekends to stay with me during the nights and he has slowly started making some plans in the future with me, but the fact that we love each other but live separately is something I may not be able to accept long term. I have been married before and want to be again. I am unsure if that is possible with this man. I told him this and asked if we will ever be “together”? He said he didn’t know and “what if I move in and a month later we hate each other”? He also said something that sticks in my head even now…”It isn’t easy being me”. And that is as honest as it gets.
So, to answer the question that originally was posted on this thread…Yes, Aspies can love. I would have said no a year ago, but I know for sure it is very possible. Even though he can’t talk about his feelings, has never told me I am beautiful, and seems to be in his little own world and happy that he is, he has come a long way in a year. From absolutely no way was he falling in love with anyone and unsure if he even understood the meaning of love, to “I love you and don’t want to lose you” and really trying to grow from there. He is the best thing that has happened to me and even though I personally question my future with this man, I am taking it one day at a time. He shows his love for me everyday in little things he does…not says. And I must keep my eyes open to see these things, for if I close them, I would let love pass me by…..
I truly dont believe that they can love. They immitate stuff that they see on TV and movies and when they get scared that they would lose you because they are useless, they tell you that they love you. Why bother with an Aspie when you can find a NT man. The man I knew also didnt respect women, but he grew up with his own mom and not a mean step-mother. Divorce rate in Aspie-NT marriages is 85 %. Why do you want to be a helper ? I know a woman who was with one for 34 years and was all worn out and she left him for good. He makes good money as a gov. scientist and she still keeps in touch with him to get money when she needs it. Their sex life was also non-existant. Aspies are selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, awkward, clumsy, not social, they also think that the whole world hates them, and they are prown to Bipolar, Depression and could even have BPD
Aspies are wired differently. End of.
They are not like NT people who are designed to pair bond. They bond with small groups. But of course these do no exist we have couples in houses now. Ever notice how aspies are drawn to small social groups?
wow, Ana Von Laush, that was pretty mean and abusive. You just hurt a lot of people here. I can see you are hurting too. I’m an aspie, but my husband has been mean to me the way you describe some aspie guy being mean to you. On the autism spectrum (think rainbow), some do have major trouble with emotions. Lets call that the color blue. Others of us on the spectrum are, say, the color orange. We feel deeply and have empathy, but other issues are harder for us. Don’t let one man’s cruelty or ineptness turn you bitter against people you never met, who are not like him. It is unhealthy for you, too.
Thank you Holly for that…what was said was hurtful, but I could understand that its also frustration. At first I wondered what the heck I was doing with a man that seemed so self-centered. But it truly isn’t the way he is. Down deep is someone that wants to come out and be “normal”, (and I use that term very loosely as I have no idea what it is either). What I keep coming back to is how dedicated he is to one person. I keep reading on many of these posts are how Aspies are truthful and committed. I see that in him. Its so much different from all the other cheating/lying NT men I have been with! Why wouldn’t I want someone that is truthful and says what he means, compared to someone that…if you have been unlucky as I…lie and cheat behind your back?? He may not be able to look in my eyes and tell me how beautiful I am and that he wants to be with me forever…but he surely shows me everyday how important I am to him by doing things I least expect. Just a few days ago he was late coming home. Its abnormal for him to be late and not text me and tell me where he was. I was getting a little worried when I finally saw him pull in. He had stopped and picked up some landscaping stones from a buddy because a few days before I mentioned I would like to put in a rock garden. The back of his truck was full of stones be hand picked…this is after working a 10 hour shift! So maybe he can’t speak to me about our relationship…maybe he can only talk about things he is really interested in…and its hard for him to understand when he speaks about the truth it may offend me or someone else, but he surely thinks about how to make me happy and satisfied by doing the only thing he can do; doing things for me. That is enough for me to know he loves me…..
Seeking the answer- I’m glad you gave your input. Constant self centered-ness is so exhausting for the other partner. My husband and I have both experienced this from eachother at times. Unless my husband is an aspie (I don’t think so), maybe part of the whole man not interested in what woman is interested in is a masculine trait of more dominant males (or males who are afraid of being dominated because their mom was mean to their dad)- and asperger’s just exaggerates it to an extreme? I don’t know. I hate seeing pain in other people’s relationships because I know what it’s like. Your post also made me think twice about how I act toward my man when I’m overwhealmed (which is often, and much worse lately) and how that feels to him. Maybe those of us aspies who certainly have empathy get so overwhealmed that our own emotions crowd out our perceptions of how the people closest to us feel when we act out or close up to make the madness stop. That would explain a lot for me. God bless you all – life can be so hard, and so incredibly sweet.
I have Asperger, hence my introduction. I can not see why people can not see we can and we do love.
Most people think we have problem with feeling feelings, which is not true. We have a problem naming them. If we wouldn’t feel their would be something wrong with our hormonal endocrinology. In fact, there is something wrong with all autists. We have higher than normal levels of serotonin. Which explains our hypersensitivity.
Now add all this together and you get people which amazing insight and empathy. The only problem is that we don’t really know where to place all these signals.
I can see right trough people. They are like animals with the same patterns over and over, the wrapping is different but the intention an patterns stay the same. I sometimes wonder if autists are really the autists or if aspergers are really the aspergers. Anyway, love is appreciated and is (I don’t really know a word to describe love cause it would need somekind of insane superlative) lovely. But when we fall in love, we give all. More than other people. We give ourselves to their souls like the sun is shining upon us.
And yes we think, constantly. We observe, constantly. We are related to feelings like spunge is to water. We may not react, but we absorb them and we need them. Their currents guide us, like any human. We’re just the rewired form of sapient live. The beta version 2.0 with a lot of compatibility issues, but we can run it like an administrator and we can run it like previous versions… We just do it on our own pace in our own way. Believe me when I say we love, and believe me when I say none of this is written in arrogance as some folks tend to think due their insecurity and selfproclaimed authority.
And I can not help but smile, now.
Jack, can I ask if you are married or in a relationship? If so, what are your difficulties and how do you overcome them? My boyfriend is an aspie and it seems you are very intelligent in your thinking and I believe I could better understand him and his inability to communicate his feelings and actions by what I can learn from you. Everyone is an individual and I understand that. Just because you both have Asperger’s doesn’t mean you think alike! I am so very interested in helping him and me be able to improve our relationship. I don’t want to change him as I love him the way he is. I just realize what we have is very special, and I think he feels the same and I want to be sure we can do this together. He has a tendency to sound “arrogant” at times and I am quite sure he doesn’t mean it, so I have learned to deal with that aspect of his personality. He has realized some habits he had were offensive to me in regards to comments about females and he is learning to understand why those are hurtful. He has come a long way from a year ago in regards to how to love and how to show it. He has a bad track record in “love”, but I know he is capable of it. He makes me happy…sounds kinda weird and some may wonder why I want to be with someone that feelings don’t come easy. Because he is most definitely worth it. If I didn’t know he had AS, I would have left a long time ago and never looked back. But I know in my heart there was something more to this man….wanting to come out and to be understood. He just wasn’t able to share it. He is finally opening up…not fully ( I am unsure if he will ever be able to do that) but he shows he loves me in his touch, his eyes, his little things he does around my house that I don’t ask him to do. He has so much to offer…but no one ever really looked. I did, and I don’t regret it. If there is anything anyone could share that would help me understand and learn more, please feel free in sharing. I would love to hear your stories and suggestions!
Hi,
I do not know your boyfriend and I know you also know I don’t.
In general, Aspergers tend to only talk about things they are intrigued by. So basically make sure you don’t get bored with him or vice versa. Also, avoid stereotypical childish arguments. Avoid them as much as you can. Humans are bound to this kind of “drawbackbehaviour” but thinking before speaking solves a lot. And mostly the answers are already known but have yet to be discovered.
Also, most Aspergers lose somekind of social intellect by, impulsively, setting all their thaughts on one thing or one aspect. This can, for most people, create the illusion that they are not fully able to fend for themselves. They realise this. This is the Aspergers problem and it’s his responsibility to become versatile and comprehensive.
Also, the arrogance you speak of is most of the time somekind of byproduct created by the same humans who diagnosed him. Aspergers in general are being regarded as bright, quick thinkers. And they hear this a lot when they’re younger. This can fuel the arrogance. This arrogance is, like I said, unconscious. It is a mere reflection of the person recieving this arrogance.
If you find someone to be a hyperactive fool. He might think of you as an introvert wallflower. All prejudices are about yourself and not the other.
And so it is the same with communicating with someone with aspergers or autists. Do not fall into their stranges “games” (psychologic defenses really) or do not anger or sadden yourself with dark thought. They’re mostly unaware of the impressions they leave, because they’re not busy with leaving impressions. That is unless his environment bestowed labels unto him.
Just love and be loved in return, and that’s all it takes. If you truly love with your heart AND your mind at the same time, if you realize love doesn’t require knowledge of the cold “REAL” world, if you have, most importantly, your own vision and path and dreams and reality, and if you realize this “own world” can be shared, must be shared and must plugged into the “common world”… That’s love, true love, some people tend to call this god… I just call it the most amazing thing in existence… Love is the summum of intelligence, achieved by not thinking.
To be short, I can’t spell it out for you, none can, you have to believe in the capabilities of the human psyche, the beauty of love and a common purpose. Doubt is the shadow of the inner devil.
Personally, I love everyone. I even love my enemies, all of my enemies. Enemies are, either humans or thoughts, beings who’re acting from a very deep ignorance. And since I know what my enemies don’t know, being angry is just the same as hybris. So, I hope to meet my enemies one day and teach them what I know, so that they won’t be my enemies anymore.
It’s my goal to let everyone love everyone. Away with this boring, gray, foggy blur…
Hence, I can’t really give advice on how to love one person above all others.
PS: Sorry for flaws in my English, it’s not my native language. If semantic errors occur, please let me know. And as I read this, I could recognize arrogance. But I do not. Since it only serves somekind of strange social convention. This convention is cultural and doesn’t have any other purpose other than routing the communication via an extremely long detour, but please know I do not apply this selfconstructed rule on everything, I do hope you give your boyfriend equal chances.
Awww, beautiful.
Jack
you cant see through people
you think you can
your disorder tells you thats true
hence
you cannot love
Are you crazy?? Of course they can love. They have feelings like everybody. Even animals have feelings, like my dog…
Hey
Myself have AS and my boyfriend too. We love us and we are happy.
Aspies can love!!!
I’ve been in a long tern relationship with a aspie male for nearly 17 years. The first year we lived in the same state and saw eachother often . He would not call me his girlfriend and would get upset if others assumed we were. We went everywhere together and I fell in love with him. I told him and he seemed shocked. He moved away for a job in another state and the night he left, I cried and cried and clung to him. But he refused to put his arms around me. After he left I was devastated and tried to date other men . I hated it and stopped. One day about a few months later he called and invited me to visit for a week. I was so excited, I was thinking finally he loves me.
Love is not just an emotion you feel. It is an action. Love expressed in action is sacrificial. It, builds others up and honors them. It is patient and kind and is not proud. It does not dishonor others and is not self seeking. It protects and cares for others more then self. It doesn’t stop, it perseveres even when it doesn’t get its way. It gives up oneself for another. If you are able to do this for another then you know how to love. The proof that one is able to love is in the giving not the receiving. If aspie or nt do not or will not do these things they do not know how to love.
1 John 3:16
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.
1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
1 Corinthians 8:1
We know that “We all possess knowledge.” But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.
Ephesians 5:28
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
1Cor. 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.
Please do not take cover behind yet another cover.
People wish to hear you speak, wish to hear your knowledge and your wisdom.
aroba
a Maori word meaning unconditional love. compassion. caring and concern. the ability
to accept another reality without condemning it or trying to change it.
sorry that’s aroha
Have you heard the neanderthal aspergian theory? There is proof that modern especially caucasian humans have mixed DNA from these neanderthals. Which is why ‘aspergers’ a modern term, is much less prelevant in particular ethnicities.
Anyway. These neanderthals lived in small groups of around 10. There was no compitetion for mates, they all slept with each other. Ever notice how aspergian people dont fight for mates? All males had access to females.
I do not believe in a disorder. Simply aspergian people have more neanderthal DNA which is why they do not engage with society in a larger sense. They like small groups. Ever notice how aspergian people do not conform to a larger society norm? In a small group there is no need for complex social interaction with many people.
So, we do not love like NT (the more succesful monkey group), the design is not set up for it. We protect our group, our specialist interest is our role in the group.
Square peg round hole. Be happy in yourself!
My boyfriend has aspergers & he always tells me how much he loves me & I’m pretty much normal.
joseph may have a point …. my brother and I are aspies, and while we both have nice occipital buns , I also have a very large barrel chest and am very cold tollerant and other physical oddities. My brother has myostatin issues, so has unusual musculature , a very high palatal arch , and has only vestigial sinuses , so his face is pretty much just solid bone, which gives him a very large muscular neck . Niether of us are really well socialized, and we both have unusually thick cortical bone. etc…etc… we are both quite well muscled and very devoted to our families.and quite shy—-and yes Joe , i have read the aspie neanderthal theory……interesting.
and yep we are of norwegian ancestry. jb
Hi all, just remember its not anyone’s fault that some people have Autism or aspergers. personally id kill for any way to get rid of it cause i dont like it 1 bit and i havent been in a decent relationship at all and i have high functioning autism. it makes me sick when people think its so easy to change cause its not. and it stays with you untill YOU ARE DEAD. so stop your moaning and realise you NT people are actually lucky.
You can break with the patterns and securing loops at any time. I did it, so did lots of aspies and autists. The difficulties and stubborness of the world are not there because you have autism, it’s there anyway. So you either take a deep breath and plunge into it, or you can try to redirect the current at your own vision, which is the most common unconsciously made mistake of all HFA’s. It’s difficult yes and sometimes it can grind and devastate your soul, but unlike any other species, humans can adapt fast and effective. There’s no thinking to it, there’s no logics involved. There’s no mentor, there’s no security. Nobody can tell you what’s it all about. You only have yourself, you’d better start rely on it. Sometimes you have to do something to understand why you’ve done it. The hypothesis is, and will always be, the hypothesis.
LOL, no. People with Asperger’s can’t love. Those that think they can are delusional (or they just have Asperger’s… you decide which). I’m young, and since I’ve become aware of what someone who has Asperger’s acts like… I think I am going to stay single forever. If I end up with someone who has Asperger’s, I will shoot myself.
You would have a moderating system. Cowardly trolls. Can’t have anyone ruining the name of Asperger’s anymore than it is already ruined… just by an individual having Asperger’s. Ugh.
Guess I can’t really talk though, considering I didn’t provide a name. Too bad you can’t share an honest opinion without worrying about ridiculous backlash though.
If Asperger’s had a face, I would punch it.
I’d buy you a mirror, a mask and some dignity. Next, I’ll ask you to choose the odd one out, without pointing to yourself…
“A fancy man, a fancy man
He’s pointing with the fingers that are left on his hand” from “Neverland”, by The Knife
Thank you Jack…nicely put! Some people’s kids….
I can not believe anyone would write such an awful thing – there are many non aspergers people who for various reasons, personality, upbringing etc can not love and can not even be nice !!!! There are a whole variety of personaltiy traits in aspies and Nts. I have a 6 year old son who has aspergers and he is the most loving little boy you could know. Ok some of the traits of aspergers make relationships difficult but they also have traits which are wonderful. What we need more of is earlier diagnosis so that support can be given from an early stage. Help not derision!
I am so moved by all the comments on this blog. For six and a half years I have been in love with ( my diagnosis) an undiagnosed Aspie. He has floated in and out of my life, taking trips, returning to his home though primarily living and being with my two sons and me.
Our latest parting was 2 months ago when he left to fix his roof, etc. and has not stayed at my home since then. There has been no discussion about his leaving, refuses to say that he has left our family/ the relationship, continuing to pop up with gifts and outdoor adventures and asking me to relax. I learned a long time ago that he expressed love with gifts but like so many people have expressed . . there is so little affection; flirtations are seen as “pressure.” I have been rejected so many times – not just physically, but in emotional plees for connection, requests for attendance at important events ( funerals, sons ballgames, Christmas.) I always feel I’m climbing a ladder to his heart and it just keeps getting taller.
As some one mentioned I too have issues with abandonment. Reading too that Aspies struggle with empathy suddenly makes so much sense to me! As an extremely passionate, tender-hearted person I could not have chosen a more difficult person to fall in love with. To say I am broken hearted would be an inadequate description. But reading through this blog I believe I have some understanding of this beautiful creature I’ve been dealing with.
I have questioned how he can be so thoughtful and yet so neglectful? Why have I only heard I LOVE YOU 4-5 times and when I tell him he says, “I know.” Why can we be at the end of a fabulous day and he is compelled to go to Walmart and buy blueberries? How does a woman compete with Walmart and blueberries?!!! Once a thought enters, it often becomes an obsession and can’t be released from his mind until completed.
His selfishness and inconsideration have shocked me and he is seemingly oblivious to how his actions and (unintended) dismissals affect others. His lack of commitment to anything is bewildering and feels insulting.
What’s a girl to do when she is in love? How can I be anything but joyful when he pulls up in the drive? There is no way to reach him as he doesn’t answer phone calls or emails and driving to his home is torturous because I know that if he is “ready” for my companionship he will show up. He may be polite; indifferent; but never excited about my sudden presence . . . though sometimes happy. Everything is always on his terms.
Knowing if I’ve been dumped or if this is just another – however lengthy – Aspie absence – is torturous. I have felt foolish, childish and embarrassed at the extremity of my emotions. But reading all this tonight has helped me to understand who he is. It absolutely fits. Scarely so but the truth is he is not open to self-examination or support in making his relationships more fulfilling for others.
I do not feel like I can go on with this uncertainty and yet do not want to be without him. How does one know, with an Aspie, if you’ve been abandoned or if it is just par for the course? Any insight would be so helpful.
I struggle not to shoot an interesting email – we’ve always shared very stimulating conversation and similar perspectives – as I fear any communique only delays the time that he’s “ready” for companionship again.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and hope.
Have your sons talked to you about his behavior towards them and you? Are they getting the message that when they grow up it’ll be OK to treat your future daughter-in-laws the way this guy treats you?
Wow Alexa. Thank you! I have heard this from friends and counselors but hearing it from a stranger REALLY RESONATES with me right now.
I have tried to part from him in the past exactly for this reason. Was tired of saying, “This is not how you treat someone you love.” Both of my boys ( now 12 and 14) have had it with him, calling him selfish and saying he only makes me sad . . . even though he has been the only father they have known most of their lives. The three of us are very close and talk openly. I know that are bewildered that I would spend one second hoping he would be a dependable partner. They are actually more level-headed than I!
It is hard to imagine life without him but even harder to imagine life with him. I feel compassion for his struggles, do not wish to abandon some one and yet the universe is telling me to let him go . . to accept the limitations inherent in aspergers. I am positive this diagnosis fits but this doesn’t make his neglect and self-centeredness ok for my family.
I pray this is the last day I will pitifully pine for his affections.
Alexa, you have made a difference to this gal today.
Wow. Best of luck and best wishes to you and your sons! Also, the fact that three of you are very close and talk openly makes you an awesome parent (and makes their brotherhood with each other awesome too).
” I am positive this diagnosis fits but this doesn’t make his neglect and self-centeredness ok for my family.”
…and remember, if and when anyone tells you “but he can’t help it so you’re bad for not wanting him for it,” that there are *lots* of things we can’t help that still make us not OK for relationships with other people.
For a non-neurology example, I can’t help being female, but that still doesn’t make me OK for a relationship with a gay man no matter how big a crush I may have on him (yes, I had a crush on a gay man once – it ended as soon as I found out he was gay instead of bi or straight and had a boyfriend instead of being single) and him not wanting me is *not* him being unfair to me for something I can’t help.
Cheryl,
I too agree with Alexa…I too have 2 boys of the same age as yours, and when I began dating my Aspie (undiagnosed at the time and both unaware of the issues he struggles with), they questioned me and didn’t want mom to be hurt again. He never seemed sure of the whole “relationship thing”. I gave him as much space and time as I could personally afford and after some trial and errors, we are still together. We have a wonderful relationship, but that is because he tried, as much as I. He went out of his comfort zones and trusted me and I reassured him that I was there for him. I didn’t pressure him to talk, but enforced the fact that even hugging and doing things for me to show his affection and love is stronger than words. We still have some issues with communication, but we don’t fight about it. I know his limitations, and I truly feel he knows and understands mine. The difference with all this compared to you is that my Aspie worked hard to get where he is. He listened to my needs although his needs were met as well as I stretched myself just as thin as he. It was important to me, being a single mother of 2, to make sure I provided the best for everyone involved. Your man needs to do this as well. He needs to step out of his comfort zone and try a little harder. If he cannot do this, I truly believe the 2 that will be effected more is your wonderful children. Please make sure they come first in all this….Good Luck!
Right on!
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Yes, I am open to guest posts, of course need to be of interest to the community.
Dear Seeking, How thoughtful of you to respond. I think the key thing you’ve expressed is that your beau was willing to try hard. I am happy for you!!!
My boyfriend and I have gone on for years without recognition of asperger’s, only misunderstandings and reunions (without any resolution) because we love one another. Only a couple of days ago I was able to express my feelings and as he listened, I was stunned to learn that he did not see our separation as leaving! He saw it as his need to be “loose” and take care of himself. The conversation was brief as I sensed how far I could go but believe me, I was shocked that his interpretation was miles away from mine.
At the end of our day together I wanted to ask – what now – but my broaching any subject was interpreted as a continued heaviness that always seems to end our getting together. I said I just wanted clarity which he explained he just didn’t have. That gave me clarity!!!
The good news for me is that I have found my footing . . for the most part . . and am accepting that this will either work out or not. Also, I have some voice in whether or not it does! I miss him. Want things to be different but they are not. I am becoming used to his absence and am not yearning. Acceptance has crept its way in.
My boys are not missing him and actually seem to be better without his staying at our home. That is what I listen to most in my times of wishing for more. I have assured them that though I love my boyfriend, I love them more and they know that without question.
I do have one question: how did you guys approach the subject of asperger’s? Also, my beau is almost 63 ( I am 48) . . is “trying” even a possibility?
As for whether or not he has Asperger’s, it’s possible that he doesn’t have it. For one thing, he doesn’t have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. For another, there are other people who don’t have Asperger’s and who still treat their partners the way he treats you for other reasons.
Cheryl,
I approached the subject because of his son showed signs of some sort of “disorder”, as I work closely with mental health patients and I recognized he had odd behaviors and repetitious patterns. I didn’t have a lot of experience with this condition, so I read up on it and asked a few questions. As the idea that his son could have Aspergers, I too started recognizing certain patterns and behaviors that my boyfriend was exhibiting. It was like a light bulb went on and I knew this was it. It explained a lot and could now understand why and what. I approached the subject with my bf talking about his son at first and then stated that it was an inherited trait, which is where I believe I revealed that I felt he had it as well and stated the facts why I thought this. Oddly enough, he also had seen a tv show about it a few years before I met him, and he too thought ‘I might have this”. So, bringing it up was helpful all around. He may never have a diagnosis of it as he hates doctors, but we maybe able to help him through his son. He is aware of his limitations, but that really doesn’t stop him from trying. I really commend him on his efforts. Although some days are harder than others, I come back frequently to this site to help me remember that I must maintain the idea that he thinks differently from myself and how understanding this difference can make our relationship better. He is who he is…but he at least tries to better himself. I don’t know if we will stay together for long term, (we have been together for 1 1/2 years now) but this is the longest relationship he has had since he was married 9 years ago, and its stronger and happier he says than what he ever had then. So I am happy with that. Hope this helps you….
PS. Age has nothing to do with it…yes, he maybe set in his way a little deeper, but if he loves you and knows that he may lose you, he should step up and try a little harder. He probably does view things differently, BUT if those ways effect you and your children negatively, he should be willing to try and figure out ways with you to better the relationship. Has he ever been married or had a long term relationship before. I can’t remember if you had said this or not before.
Hello Seeking, thanks for your thoughtful response. I hesitate to call “G” my “boyfriend” but still struggle for answers and acceptance of our relationship today. For years I have taken his behavior personally and expressed my unhappiness, often in anger that has only driven him further away. I understand more now, but whether the relationship can be mended I don’t know. He won’t allow a conversation around “us” / is not willing to try so honestly, I think this is over. I do think he tried, but I didn’t see it and it wasn’t enough.
Hard part is he doesn’t go away, but continues to write and call and show up, just like before. He returns from travels with gifts, just like nothing has ever happened . . forgetting that he left my home 3 months ago and that we haven’t been intimate in forever. Still, I long for his presence and I guess that’s why I opened up this site again today.
“G” married in his mid-forties to a much younger lady. She cheated on him and the marriage ended within 6 months. I believe I have been the longest relationship he’s ever had.
I hope I am not compromising the purpose of this blog by sharing my pain. It is hard to determine what part is asperger’s and what is personal. It again comes back to one person’s comment regarding what is acceptable to me, irregardless of how it is defined.
My hope is to reach reconciliation in my heart and find a place where my experience is helpful to others and not just an outpouring of sadness.
I have aspergers and my wife has seperated from me after 12 years of marriage . she has moved out. We have one 8 year old son. I have finally accepted my aspie ways but am learning strategies so that I can grow as a person and hopefully save my marriage. Yes I have been guilty of terrible things to my wife and I can understand why she needs a break but part of me is so angry that she has left me when in reality she should support me through this phase. Part of me wonders if she will even come back. She makes no promises and her mind is neutral on the chance. I feel under immense pressure because I want more than just friendship, so I am on trial. What are people’s feelings? Will my wife come back in time to me? I just don’t know. The only positive I get is that I am more adult in my emotions.
“…Yes I have been guilty of terrible things to my wife and I can understand why she needs a break but part of me is so angry that she has left me when in reality she should support me through this phase…”
Why should your wife support you through a phase of doing terrible things to your wife?
like i said , aspies need a simple “aspie manual” like a computer manual for marriage. years Before I got married, I went out and bought several books on “how to be a good husband and spouse” and other such books….AND THEN I READ EACH ONE . before i got married.
if I could offer any advise to male and female aspies considering marriage to an NT, it would be this :
READ THE MANUAL FIRST
cuz you cannot go back in time and take back the hurt you inflicted on another person—knowingly or unknowingly……thats simple physics.
“like i said , aspies need a simple ‘aspie manual’ like a computer manual for marriage. years Before I got married, I went out and bought several books on ‘how to be a good husband and spouse’ and other such books….AND THEN I READ EACH ONE . before i got married.
if I could offer any advise to male and female aspies considering marriage to an NT, it would be this :
“READ THE MANUAL FIRST
“cuz you cannot go back in time and take back the hurt you inflicted on another person—knowingly or unknowingly……thats simple physics.”
*None* of that is any reason for your to wife support you through a phase of doing terrible things to your wife.
There’s no way for you to go back in time and take back the hurt you inflicted on your wife unknowingly. No wonder your wife left you and terrible things you did to her instead of supporting you through that phase of doing terrible things to her.
My apologies for not being clear earlier! Sorry John!
In “*None* of that is any reason…terrible things to her.” I should have clarified that the “you” still applied to Gibsno.
enjoyed reading all the posts…how delicate the human mind, body and soul is and we are all in need of much understanding.. Its sites like this that awakens one to new possibilities of finding some answers. I hope to return later to the site because I find alot of courage and wisdom here.
its gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
gogogogodddddddddd
My Aspie and I have been on and off for 3 years. Two year ago, he told me daily that he loved me, texted me with xoxoxox and sent sweet emails. Then out of the blue, after 6 months of him being romantic with me, he said “I guess I ***DO NOT*** love you because I don’t know what love is.” This devastated me and causes a huge rift between us. We have started to see each other again and last week he said “I love you” to me several times.
I can’t even believe him. I wish.
it may help for an aspie who doesnt know what love is , to read many different poems, stories, letters and hallmark cards of what love is……..I HAVE actually done that and it does help immensely to help us aspies cerebralize some etheric definition of love that we can use as our home base(so to speak)……in some ways we are like androids in the “whats love?” dept. every one has their own inner definition of true love so , I think how we come to that understanding-weather from emotional love or love learned for reading poems, hallmark cards on love(these are great on explaining love,btw ), and love letters (sonnets of the portugese), metaphysical love , books on the nature of true love,etc etc , is not so important..i have many books on the nature of love ….to help me “know” what love is.
.. Love is Love and when it is there between 2 entities, it is beauty is astounding.
jb
— love is such an etheric quality —– what ten people could answer that quest the same??
jb
probably none. So more accurate to say some may not understand NT definition of love , but then again , Most NT have NO idea what we aspies consider love … Words do not exist to define an aspies love for it is many dimentional , and would best be explained thru the experience of telepathic love –so that the NT could actually feel /experience all the dimensions of love we aspies feel in our hearts towards another entity–Nts would be completely overwhelmed if they knew the true depth of and the true “aspie” definition of love … but it is us who have to always make grand efforts to understand the limited NT versions of love , and more often than not the NT cant gasp the understanding of aspie love due to their limited outlook and perceptions. NTs have a million different KINDS of love while aspies have only 2 -3 types of love. “hey – what could possibly go wrong ???”
The world will be worse off the day we start accusing our fellow human beings as incapable of love.
I hate it when people say stuff like that.
I have aspergers syndrome and I am a very inteligent person. I do have a girlfriend and I love her very much. She also has aspergers but I have loved people in the past that do not have aspergers.
People who have aspergers or people who are autistic are not very different from Nerotypical people ad you put it. We are very intelligent, and even those of us who can’t speak or have a learning disability are very intelligent and are capable of love and emotion.
I have multiple friends who can’t speak because of their disabilitys due to being autistic and even though you can’t understand them many of us who have aspergers can understand them to a level. Not through telepathy or through some other form of supernatural force, but through emotion and facial and body expressions. I can almost have a conversation with an autistic friend of mine that cannot speak and has learning disabilities, we communicate through body language and facial expressions.
Many people think that people with depression or autism or aspergers are just stupid people that are not capable if anything. Well this people are wrong. We are capable of anything you can do and sometimes even more. Albert Einstien had aspergers syndrom and look what he did.
We are not just objects to be tossed around and made fun of. We have feelings too, just because we can’t express them like you can does not mean that we are stupid or incapable of feeling emotion.
I myself have personally been made fun of so much because of what do with my hands, I will sometimes move my hand back and forth repretadly like how people always make fun of us. I do it to calm down. It is extremely relaxing when I am not being made fun of.
I have been bullied so much and made fun if so much that I have tried to commit suicide five times and I am only 13 years old.
I was afraid to go to school for four years and afraid to go in public for two years.
I had to be hospitalized and counsiled on numerous occasions and I have been on relaxant medication for four years. I have also been attending private counseling for three years in a row now.
One of my best childhood friend committed suicide a few years back because he couldn’t fit in and was being bullied so much because he was autistic
So the next time you or anyone you see says something disresoectful or makes fun if someone who is autistic think or tell them to think about how you or they are ruining someones dreams or life.
WELL SAID , M.L.
you speak the words so many of us aspie/asd folks feel an have experienced.
Mitchell, I too was bullied in grade school .. and was afraid to go to school . Know this much – Every aspie /asd on this site knows what you are going thru and our hearts go out to yours. Hang in the Mitchell it will get better. Dont forget , us aspies make great weight lifters, and martial arts experts as well as professors, and computer guys. because of our powers of concentration and many of us are naturally telepathic. Even with all the misery and bullying i have experienced —I still feel aspie is my gift. You take care Mitchell , and know that we care. –fellow aspies.
———————————————————
Now a message to the Neurotypical (NT) world ; Bullying is an despotic NT creation. It sickens me as it should any civilized human. Every Aspie should have tears in their heart for what we have allowed the Neurotypical society to cast upon our aspie youth. Should they have to suffer all the Terrors of bullying as we did when young? SURELY NOT! When will we as aspie say ENOUGH to society regarding aspie/asd bullying. It is a disgusting sad and wretched way to treat another human. We aspies have the highest IQs on the planet—surely ,we can figure out a way to stop bullying. It heartbreaking. My daughter is 13 yrs old. the thought of her having to go thru what Mitchell went thru makes my stomach hurt. Shame on all of us for allowing bullying to continue……in any of its filthy forms.
Bullying sickens me. >:( It sickens me when an NT does it *and* sickens me when a non-NT does it.
Most if not all bullies have the attitude of “I don’t have to care what you think, you have to care what I think” towards the people they bully.
For examples:
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you’re black, you have to care what I think because I’m white.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you’re white, you have to care what I think because I’m black.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you’re female, you have to care what I think because I’m male.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you’re male, you have to care what I think because I’m female.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you’re poor, you have to care what I think because I’m rich.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you’re rich, you have to care what I think because I’m poor.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you read comics, you have to care what I think because I play sports.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you play sports, you have to care what I think because I read comics.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you’re not neurotypical, you have to care what I think because I’m neurotypical.”
Sometimes it’s “I don’t have to care what you think because you don’t have Asperger’s, you have to care what I think because I have Asperger’s.”
…and the bullying is just as bad no matter which version of that attitude the bully has!
love is gad
If we couldn’t love, I wouldn’t fall in love, would I?
We’re just humans too. Only with social incaplebilaty’s. But as soon as we get our way in life we should be perfectly fine
On the most of us (and I say the most because I know some Kernauti’s myself and they are NOT comparable to me or the other good ones) it’s not even noticable we are aspergers.
We’re wellknown for being different, but that hasn’t got to be in the bad way!
Creative – funny – crazy – indifferent <~~ Sometimes we are like this because of our ''problem''
And you can get totally liked because of that!
So don't worry, everything will be fine.
Actually bullying is a HUMAN problem /human creation- not just NT or AS issue . we have all been guilty of it at some point in our lives. I threw in the nasty speech about NTs just to give some of the NTs who have been posting really nasty speech about aspergers folks ..a taste of what it is like .. probably didnt make the NT folks feel very good did it? well it makes us feel bad too when some NTs spew a bunch of nasty generality speech about us as aspies. TRUTH is Most NTs are wonderful folks and most aspies are wonderful folks. None of us should partake in bullying and we should all work together to stop it.
I wanna tell off what ever [person] off said this. Incapable of love? Even a stupid mouse can feel love. I do believe that we are more capable of love than anyone because we will see the little things about someone that will make us fall in love.
[Commented edited to remove course language]
I have AS and I now I love and have been loveing in many ways. Sorry my bad English. Its not my first laguwitch.
i love you and…
With patience, compassion and a desire to learn more about and understand my AS husband, I do feel that we have become much closer in so many ways. I have worked hard to understand him, his feelings, the reasons behind his behavior. We have succeeded in becoming close in that way, and I do understand him so much more. I truly care about him. It was a lot of hard work, but we crossed that bridge.
But lately, I sit here and wonder……what is it like to feel the natural give and take and understanding of each other’s feelings in a relationship…..the music of love and laughter together….enjoying the ups and downs and variety in life….knowing that someone is considering that their actions affect those around them, as well as yours….and both having a sense of security in knowing they will take care of each other in old age. My husband lacks in Theory of Mind.
And I sit here……and everything is the same……everyday……the same simple foods……the same routines……the same actions……no change for 13 years. I’ve been able to deal with that, and even though I do get out and enjoy life with my friends, I realize that I am alone. My zest for life is compromised. My self-esteem is lower. I feel somewhat lost.
I have always been one to examine my own life and behavior to see if what I am doing might be affecting situations positively or negatively, then adjusting that behavior accordingly. But now, I look at things and realize that I have had to go through all the ups and downs, all the sacrifices and pains, all the diseases, injuries and illnesses……alone. Maybe he was there, but he couldn’t understand my pain, nor could he help me during those times, whether I lay in bed with several broken bones, cancer, a sprained spine, or severe dehydration. He has taught me to be stronger, I’m sure. And I am thankful for that. But, if he couldn’t help me then……what will it be like in our old age? I am beginning to consider that our relationship is having a negative affect on my life. Who’d figure?
It’s not that he doesn’t want to help sometimes. It’s just that it doesn’t enter his mind. We have incorporated texting. Seems to improve communication. Interesting.
I have asperges myself, so actually it is capable, no 1 should believe people who say this because I predict they don’t have asperges! I fell in love with my husband when we were 14, now we are both 29 and still in a loving relationship with 3 children. Also he has not got asperges.
Of course people with aspergers can fall in love! I have aspergers and I am in love! <3 I hate it when people think of us as cold and loveless… Its so annoying! Pure discrimination! :@ :'(
what is love anyway?
Thank you for your kind words. several of us contribute to the site all touched in some way by ASD. I love your patient approach. There are so many things we can discover through observation and patience.
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