One of the effects of Aspergers Syndrome is meltdowns or difficulties dealing with too much stimuli. One of the things that sex happens to bring with it is, stimulation in large amounts to all the senses. Thus anyone can see here that Aspergers and Sex can be an interesting and somewhat problematic combination. With my lovely fiance’s permission, I’m going to talk about how Aspergers has effected our sex lives. Its our hope that by stating some of these things we can help others, and even get some help ourselves.
WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL
Its no secret that sex is stimulating. The touch, the smells, the sights, and the eye contact can be quite a bit for anyone to handle. When you stir Aspergers Syndrome into the mix sex can be a difficult thing. I have to admit the biggest thing I learned with Katelyn when trying to keep a healthy sex life with the difficulties Aspergers Syndrome added to it is the need to keep open and honest communication about our needs and feeling in this department. Once I was able to be open and honest with Katelyn, and she was able to be open and honest with me – it was a much more enjoyable experience.
Lets Get Blunt
For me Aspergers has quite a drastic effect on sex. The feelings, textures, emotions, smells and noises end up getting overwhelming to the point of distracting my mind. I’m not sure if its the fact of all the overwhelming senses or the fact that I was given many different medications when I was younger but the embarrassing truth is I have trouble getting off during sex. When Katelyn and I first started having sex I would fake the orgasm – yes you heard it right, a guy that would fake an orgasm. Finally I told Katelyn after feeling guilty about faking it so many times, and she understood and we talked about it.
Since our conversation Katelyn and I had our first orgasm during sex. (For those that are thinking idiots, Katelyn was already pregnant at this point. That’s a story I’m not going to share.) I’ve had sex with Katelyn many, many times but I have to say after communicating to Katelyn my needs which were taking it slower then we were before I was able to “reach the goal.”
Now even after communicating, me reaching orgasm is quite rare. I often worry if I am doing a good enough job pleasing Katelyn or if I am just a bore. I remember crying after having sex many times because of this and Katelyn telling me that my “elephant trunk was sufficient and pleasing” a reference to the movie Mozart and the Whale. After going through this thing a couple times after sex Katelyn told me she wanted me to finish myself off while she did herself so we both could enjoy it. I felt so loved when she told me that, and to this day if I can’t get off that’s what we do.
What Do You Get Out Of It Then?
So if you don’t ever orgasm during sex – then what do you get out of it? Well I get a lot out of it, seeing the one I love having a good time, being so close to the one I love, the cuddling afterwords, the falling asleep together. I have to say even though I rarely orgasm during sex – I look forward to the closeness and intimacy it offers – and even more so the cuddling afterwords.
If your wanting to comment anonymously on this go ahead as its a personal topic. But I would like to to know if others with Aspergers have similar difficulties?
Check Out These Books For More Info:
- Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People With Asperger’s Syndrome
- Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People With Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want
- The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome
{ 105 comments… read them below or add one }
I’d kind of like to get around to such things… But I’m quite shy, which is a problem.
Plus I feel when I finally get around to having sex, I’m going to really have to trust the person I’m with. (leaning more towards a man.)
I don’t know how people have sex with people they don’t know.
It strikes me as a bit icky. I’d have to feel safe and comfortable with a person first.
But it’s hard for me to meet new people too.
I really appreciated your frankness. I am with someone who has Aspergers. I liked what you said about slowing down and I wonder if that is what is needed for us. When we first met it was absolutely crazy, it seemed like we were instantly in love and sex was a massive thing, we just couldn’t get enough of each other, it was wonderful and then suddenly overnight it changed. He seemed distracted, unable to focus on what we were doing and disinterested in sex, yet all of his other behaviors are the actions and words of someone who is still very much in love. It is like someone came in the middle of the night and built a big road block that I don’t know how to get past. What makes it harder is that he is unable to talk about it and says that he doesn’t know what’s going on either. I’m not sure if it’s an aspergers related issue or simply an incompatible relationship. If anyone can share their experience that might help it would be appreciated.
I recommend open and honest communication with your partner to find your differences.
After 28 years of marriage my wife divorced me. I feel that she did it out of her true love for me. She really feels that she was doing/forcing me to face that I was a homosexual. I had come to doubt my sexuality over the past few years, determining that I must be bisexual, and she could eventually not get past that. She said that in retrospect she should have seen it from the beginning since I was often not able to climax during our lovemaking and we pleasured ourselves via masturbation. I also have diabetes and ED is a significant part of the side effects. Bundled together she and I did the best that we could over the years. She has issues (like we all do not all have issues) and our mutual poor self-image just aggravated the situation. She said that I was lacking passion and that it indicated that I was living a lie and must be homosexual since I looked at porn online. So we just let it all slip away and divorced this last summer, after what feel was very poor counseling. I know that I am rambling! I since learned that my mother, an RN, felt that my father must have had Asperberger’s perhaps related to fetal alcohol syndrome since both parents were alcoholics and his father died of alcohol poisoning.
I have also received a diagnosis that I suffer from adult ADHD. I have started a prescription and I can feel the difference at times. I also have learned that ADHD and Asperger’s go together.
I do not know where this is going, but I guess what I am wanting to know is if all of my problems with intimacy are the result of the combo of ED, ADHD, and Asperger’s? Is there even a simple answer to my question?
I really need to know if I can possibly look forward to being passionate or being able to satisfy a partner emotionally, sexually, and intimately. I am so scared that I am so screwed up after all of these years that I am beyond hope!
Thank you for bearing your soul about this issue. I always thought that I was the only one, and that I was simply denying my homosexuality. I have been so afraid and alone for the last 6 months. Thank you, thank you for I was truly at the end and thinking if I had the passion to just disappear from my daughter’s life before I further embarrassed her.
HI, i am also in a relationship with an “asperges male”, and have only just discovered this , it’s been a huge relief to realise there may be a reason for increasing distance between us, i just thought we were drifting apart through lack of love and common interests. He absolutely has no interested in any form of intimacy, whether that’s cuddling, sex, communication, romantic dinners, lingerie, touching etc etc,
i’ve tried everything, he’s just not interested, which was devastating for me. I try to keep myself fit attactive, and interesting, but nothing worked, until i was talking to someone about asperges syndrome in adults, and they started to reveal some of the difficulties “asperges” adults can have with regards to intimacy, and sex.
Right from the start of our relationship, he seemed to just “do it” to get it over with, and to keep me happy, then he used to get angry if i even brought up the subject , i just stopped completely raising the subject and moved into the spare bedroom. He hardly noticed and seemed pleased the pressure was off.
He used to lie about having orgasms anyway, and was never sensitive and romantic after sex, there was never that mushy time of love and lying in each others arms and closeness and fun after we had sex. When i’d say to him, “what are you thinking, or did you enjoy that, or lets do something fun”, he’d get angry and just talk about when the car needed a service, or when the kids had activities on next and anything other than intimate talk.
So after 12years together, sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past 3years, (mainly because i can’t stand sleeping next to someone i adore and not being able to hug and cuddle them much less have sex with them), i am frantically reading everything i can find to help understand my partners’ way of thinking and see if “I “can bring us back together, and i say “ME” bring us back together, because he doesn’t see we have any problems. And we don’t ,as long as i don’t touch him, or expect any kind of emotional support, communication on basic level about family or issues i might have with friends or family.
He hates, and is totally unable to find the words to communicate any kind of emotions. it’s like asking him to speak German. he’s got no idea how to do it. He has no idea what to say when i ask him what he’s feeling. If i ask him what he’s thinking, he tells me, he’s thinking of going to Bunnings on Saturday to get a never drill, or changing the fluro light in the garage, or changing the blades on the mower, or worming the dogs, NEVER says he’s thinking of me, or how much he loves me and how proud he is of something i’ve done. NEVER.
So in conclusion, life with him is: difficult, lonely, frustrating, and hard, and if he didn’t take brillant care of the house, the bills, cook all the meals, do all the shopping, love my daughter, shower affection and love on my animals, and do all repairs on absolutely anything that breaks, i guess i’d leave him.
Nothing is ever PERFECT in any relationship , i just have to appreciate what his strengths are and minimise the distress within myself, with the lack of affection and sex.
To alot of women he’s the perfect husband.
Ps after 12years together he still hasn’t worked up the courage and the words to ask me to marry him, he says he will get around to it, hopefully it’s before my butt his the ground with old age.
chin up kids, keep moving forward and everyday is a learning process.
Hi Jennifer,
You just wrote exactly what is my life with my honey. The only differents is that we were dating for a year and now 2years living together.
Hi Jennifer,
This is my life as well! Except mine is the same as Martha’s! It is so very frustrating, especially when you go out of your way to try so many things to bring the relationship closer and build the intimacy. But the hard thing to accept is that most males with Aspergers do not have the capacity to understand intimacy, or even the importance of intimacy in their lives. Whatever intimacy my parter shows is mimicked and done to “fill the relationship requirements”, not out of a honest need or desire for it. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me, he certainly does, he just doesn’t see that there is a massive void in our relationship because of his inability to desire intimacy. So I guess the solution is to figure out if this is a path that I am happy to continue going down, or if I want more, which I do what more. A psychologist said to me that for someone who is so emotionally aware it is hard not to have the same from their partner in the relationship. She said that you can still feel fulfilled if you are getting your emotional connection from other people in your life. However, the emotional connection that I want is from my partner.
I wish you both love and happiness Martha and Jennifer.
@Renae My (now late) husband could have written your response (with respect to me). I really understand where both of you are coming from, and it makes me so sad that I cannot satisfy those emotional needs. I love to cuddle and am very comfortable talking about emotions — I just cannot meet the sexual needs of a man with a healthy appetite. For me, the interest and desire is just not there — never has been. For whatever reason, at puberty the spark just did not ignite.
In a relationship, I feel like I need to go through the motions of sex in order to have a relationship at all. In many ways, I feel so broken, knowing that I am missing out on one of life’s great experiences and being so very aware of my inability to bring a “full deck” to a relationship.
I have a good personality, am fit and attractive… all the things that open doors to meeting new people. Yet I hesitate to try again to find love, knowing that the sex issue will probably be a dealbreaker yet again. And I realize that the pool of available men who are looking for a romantic relationship that is largely devoid of sex are few and far between.
As much as I enjoy reading thoughtful blogs like this one, it seems that most of the experiences to which I can relate are about Aspie men in relationships, not Aspie women.
sounds like hell
a woman cannot endure a life like that
its not a learning experience..its a way for you to learn to hate yourself
i had 20 years with a genuis …didnt know he was an aspie
I love him from a distance now…and get my needs met physically…its of utmost importance for a woman….you will watch your life get worse, and your health detroriate
frankly I hire someone to do “repairs” at my house
it was hell
Your email comforted me..and scared me. I hoped for success, after 6 years. None. My best wishes to you
He cares deeply about you, he just has overwhelming mental barriers that prevent him from expressing his feelings for you.
go off let him really know how you feel when you have sex he doesn’t know if he is doing a good job. ride him like your a couple of teenagers. you can connect to an Aspie. we get great joy helping people get what they need he will do anything for you but you not predictable like the lawn mower or the light. tell him about your orgasim make him intrigued of how to help you achieve that respond very obviously when he’s doing the right thing.
how many honest men are there in this world?
thx for ur post, zach… this aspie chick here is swamped with sensory stimuli of all kinds all the time… i absolutely love sex, but yes it does hv a certain effect on me, and connecting with someone else is one of the hardest thing i cld ever attempt, yet it is the one thing i yearn for most of all… sex is a big part of this connection… the wonders and the horrors… it all comes in one aspie package doesnt it? sorry i m not making sense today, this goldfish in a bowl… but i like ur writing… keep going zach
Thanks for leaving a comment. You don’t know how much I appreciate the feedback.
I just reread this comment and I have to say the one things I want most is “social connection” as well, and its the hardest thing for me to get.
i get u, zach… connecting deeply with someone on the level of emotional and physical intimacy is something i hv never managed to achieve or to make last for any satisfying length of time… and i wonder often to myself, is it asperger’s that makes me a magnet for pp who dont mean what they say and who make grand statements which they never intend to follow thru, or is it just the way humans are and aspies just have a faulty ‘recovery mechanism’ so we hurt so insanely bad and take so ridiculously long (if ever at all) to get over things?
but let’s cling onto hope
Spunky!
I understand how you feel, I think. I wanted to make my wife feel how special she made me feel. Just the idea that I could make her sexually fulfilled was all I needed. I wasn’t 2o any more so a perpetual erection was no longer an option. I could not tell her how to satisfy me because I was convinced that my sexual desires were not normal. We both had significant self image issues and thus could not get past our own debilitations. Using white lies was just crack for my Aspergers, a slow steady descent to a wallow of self pity that did neither of us any good. She deserved better and I deserved better from myself!
Ramble, ramble…anyway you are not alone, by any means. I will get through this at the advanced age of 50! and so will you.
Drew
I’m afraid to say I don’t have any problems with sex. It is one of my few areas, same as riding horses, where I actually like it a lot, and the overstimulation of a deeo sexual relationship I also really like, not dislike. The more sex, the better. I love touching and being touched, and no problems having orgasms, sometimes I can have more than one or even several – depends on how exciting the sex is and the guy. I also really like to cuddle. A sexual relationship with someone I love who feels the same way about me is the one sphere where I can really have that deep connection I can’t have in so many other ways and areas. But that’s me, and I don’t suggest it’s this way for anyone else. And I can’t explain why I don’t have so many of the problems I have in so many other areas due to my Autism, but I don’t. Maybe it was because I was sexually groomed and molested before age 5, I imprinted my deepest relationships and ability to feel and experience emotions and connections with another at the imprinting age thru sexual relationships – I LIKED it (to the horror of most adults). I don’t know what to say. I know it goes against what most people think on the subject.
I wasn’t molested or anything, but I and my siblings are all hypersexual. Apparently normal people have a latency period as a kid where they don’t care about sex or sexual stuff. None of us ever had that. I love having boyfriends. Cuddling is the best ever. And I love making out, although I wouldn’t recommend doing it on a playscape because you’ll wake up with bruises on the back of your head the next morning. I can’t have vaginal sex as of yet because I’m rather small down there, and I think I may have vaginismus, but that doesn’t stop me from having fun. And you know what else? When I was dating another Aspie the summer before I started college, I discovered he really liked it if I wrapped my thighs around his stomach/diaphragm area and squeezed him. Ya’ll should try it sometime, it seems to calm the faint buzzing in your brain. Like Grandin’s squeeze machine, except free and comes with social interaction
corr: ” deeo sexual relationship” = deep sexual relationship
Very interesting post. I have to admit that I probably enjoy the idea of sex more than sex itself. (I’m also a lesbian, so that’s a whole ‘nother set of issues, too) It’s an odd dichotomy of both wishing to be close to someone and wishing not to be. Hmmm…
I can relate to your comment about “enjoy the idea of sex more than sex itself”. I just don’t have the desire, hormonal hunger, or motivation to do anything about it.
There have been periods in my life when certain types of sex were new to me, and I wanted to explore them on an experiential level to see what all the fuss was about. [I'm one of those "knowledge=power" sort of people.] Yet as soon as the novelty wore off, my interest waned.
My ideal relationship would be a romantic, mostly non-sexual one where my partner and I could cuddle like a pair of kittens, with little risk that the cuddling would lead to the pressure of sex.
OMG.
Yes.
My Husband is just like that in bed.
He almost NEVER gets off, and has to finish himself.
I always used to take it personally…but then again I took everything personally before his recent diagnosis.
“That uncaring, insensitive jerk” is written all over my weight loss blog…that will be changing with my new entries.
But yes, you’re not alone with lasting for foooreevverrrr, and not being able to orgasm all the time.
J!
Yes that is how my wife thought of me … insensitive, lying, SOB who just can not admit that he is gay … that is the only reason that he must masturbate to climax and really only enjoys the doggie style position (mimicking anal/gay sex) when he does want to have sex. Why would I want to have sex when all it does is reinforce my inadequacy as a man!
i am deeply in love with a guy with aspergers who is also a virgin and has a 2″ micropenis. i have tried to get him off with my hands and mouth but he’s stuck in a jerk-off pattern (habit) and i don’t know if we will ever be able to have intercourse because his penis is tiny and because he’s so sensitive to touch. we do lots of cuddling, back rubs, laying on each other’s back, partner yoga and such. because his asperger’s makes him a non-jealous, non-possessive person, he said he wouldn’t mind/care if i had sex with other men while keeping my primary relationship with him. i want him to be jealous and possessive and only want me and only want me to be with him. what’s a girl to do?
I’m an NT (I think) woman in a 12.5 year relationship with a man I love. We just discovered the symptoms of Aspergers and a lot of things suddenly make sense. Sex has been a difficult issue for some years now. I spent a lot of time trying to “fix” our sexual relationship, blaming myself for much of it. As time went on, I started to get angry with him that he never seemed to be trying to improve things, that it all seemed to be up to me. He also has some difficulty climaxing, which I often took personally. It’s hard for me to relax and enjoy sex if I feel like my partner isn’t really excited, more of an observer than someone really involved in the interaction. Plus, it seemed like the only times the sex was really good was when I committed myself to enjoyment, in spite of whatever he was doing or not doing. It always felt like he wasn’t really paying attention to what my needs were, when I was trying so hard to make him feel good. I can’t count how many times I wanted to yell at him to PAY ATTENTION! Eventually, I started to believe that we were just not sexually compatible, and began to consider whether or not I could live the rest of my life like that. I used to be a highly sexual person, but this situation has certainly dimmed that light. Now that I’ve read about Aspergers, I can understand intellectually that it’s not his fault. It wasn’t that he wasn’t paying attention to my needs, it was that he was incapable of understanding my nonverbal communication (which in my other experiences is the most common type of sexual communication). That has helped, but it’s all still pretty new to me and emotionally, I resent feeling that I’ve wasted all of my sexual energy and worry that I’ll never be sexually fulfilled unless I leave him. I just don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling as if I’m alone in this relationship, even though I know he loves me. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to cope with this?
HI, i’ve just posted a comment on someone else’s letter, but felt i need to say something here too.
Your letter could have been written by me…it’s indentical to my situation and i crave someone lusting over me. something i haven’t had since my partner and i got together.
In the beginning it was refreshing to have someone who seemed to look past the physical and want to know me…!!
i now realise he didn’t really like sex because it was all to complex for him to understand.
He never picked up on the facial, emotional ques, when i was distressed and hurt and upset, and i just took it that he didn’t care, i now realise he had no idea what to do, or how to even interpret emotions.
i don’t really have the answers to help you, but now realise that’s it’s not that we aren’t attractive, sexual, desirable people, it’s just that some Aspir’s have no desire for the intimate sexual side of a relationship.
He used to upset me enomously when someone would pay me a compliment (something he never does), or notice how much attention i’d gone to – to dress up and look pretty, or a guy would very obviously be chatting me up, and he didn’t show any kind of emotion of jealousy, or try and defend me, or step forward and say that I was with him,… and now i know he didn’t even know that’s expected of him, or how to do it, or even why he should do it….
so i’m still learning the characteristics of this Aspir’s definition, but it’s a “light being switched on “everytime i read something that relates to the way he acts/reacts.
i guess i’ll have to decide if i have the energy to keep learning , or opt out of this relationship for a “normal’ communicative relationship. something i crave.
take comfort knowing there are others like yourself in that “whirl” of distress and confusion, trying to make sense of someone who thinks on a different path.
Saena, I don’t know if you are still together with your man, but I truly understand! I have been living with a man with aspergers for one and a half years now. In the beginning, we were all over eachother and couldn’t get enough of touching and cuddling; to the point of exhaustion sometimes. Lately, sex is all about touching him now. He nolonger touches my “hot spots” and sex ends when he comes. I was masturbating after he would leave the room, but I have lost the desire to satisfy myself. I miss his passionate touching and he doesn’t seem to be concerned with my sexual satisfaction anymore. He has difficulty reaching orgasm and takes many pauses that lead to the softning of his penis so that we must start over again. We used to enjoy many different positions and mutual oral stimulation. Now, I am the only one manually and orally stimulating any hotspots…both his and mine (if I want pleasure). I love this man also, but I have been in extremely damaging relationships in the past that have left me feeling undesirable and ugly. He tells me ALL THE TIME how beautiful I am…but without touching me…I fall right back into my self-destructive thought patterns from past emotional abuse. I know my man has aspergers, but HE DOESNT! I can’t talk to him about aspergers either. Some common symptoms: boyish giggling, patting, repetitive gestures, spontaneous outward “pursing” of his lips, “outbursting”, obsessive attention to certain rock groups, wrestling, and baseball (knows all he stats!) socially unaware of body language, subtle inuendos, etc. and so much more. But he is honest, faithful, dedicated, hard working, responsible and has no problems expressing how much he wants one woman who loves one man for the rest of our lives!
I am reading these posts today to learn how to communicate my concerns with my aspie love! Thank you for your post and I hope your are still together with your man too!
I would TALK about it with him. Words are highly important to us, and there is nothing wrong with using your words instead of your body to tell him what you want.
Oh, thank you sooo much for having brought up the subject.
My husband and I have been together for the past 17 years. Sex was quite” normal” at first, but then some things did start to worry me.
It would take forever for him to climax. we would spend sometimes more than an hour making love but he would hardly ever climax.
And then he never did anymore. I felt so inadequate and lost a lot of confidence. I thought he did not find me attractive anymore even though he said he did.
We ended up making love less and less often. I sort of got accustomed to that and we even mentioned the fact that he might be asexual. But then I know that that could not be the case as he was occasionally( probably still ) using porn.
Now it has been more than 2 years and still no sex.
the BIG difference is that he has now been diagnosed with AS. Since going to counselling, he has opened up and told me that the main issue for him seems to be his sensory overload. And there is something else also, but he is quite reluctant to share it with me.
He thinks that my self esteem could be hurt if I knew what it was. After asking him about it, I think that I have found out what it is . I tried to bring up the subject about this recently but he completely blanked me out.
The thing is I was there when “it” happened once and I find it difficult to ignore. Basically, we were once having sex when all of a sudden he talked ” dirty”. I was quite surprised at the word he used and straight away asked him ” what did you just say?” and then he answered: ” nothing”. I thought I must have dreamt it,but now I am completely sure that must be the issue. I must say that I really would not mind ” dirty ‘ talk, as i know that he loves me.
We are going to a couple counsellor on Tuesday and I hope that this will help.
I just love him so much. He is an incredibly kind person but I find it so hard that we cannot have sex anymore.
Again, I am so grateful that you posted this.
i am the mother of craig who is 28 and has high functioning aspergers, he wants to experience sex but im not sure how to go about this for him, any ideas.
thankyou
carol
I to have been recently diagnosed with AS. When my wife and i make love i never worry about me…only her…i don’t care if i come..it takes a long time….and if i do come and she does not then i feel real guilty….then i have an even harder time relaxing the next time…..this just keeps building and i can never let the past mistakes go….we are working on this….its odd to read about the people that have the same problem as my wife and i….she also feel like she must be doing something wrong or be ugly….she is perfect to me…..i just cant let things go…..like being trapped…..
My husband and I just realized that he may have undiagnosed Asperger’s. He took an AQ test on line and scored a 39. Once we realized this, everything that was happening between us made sense. I must admit, I felt a bit like an idiot for not realizing this sooner. There had been a couple of times that i
had looked at him and thought that he reminded me of the Autistic kids I used to work with (I am a former special education teacher).
We have only been married a little less than a year, and my biggest concern about sex is that I feel an emotional detachment at times. He is great at the physical part of it, but “pillow talk” and spontaneous sex are definite issues….
We have only suspected this for about a week, and we have both been hunting the web for information and encouragement. We are not finding a whole lot out there. From what I have read, people with AS can learn cognitively what others learn intuitively, and he says he wants to try to deal with some of the issues he has struggled with his whole life (not just sex, but other issues as well).
Because of my background in special education, and my love of writing, I am thinking of pulling together some materials on my own. I would like to gather information on the struggles that others have had as well as some solutions they have tried.
Please feel free to respond
You need to be careful about online tests. While they may provide insight there no where near a real test. I hope you get the answers you seek
Robin, thank you for your post. I am desperately seeking any and all input into the delicate aspects of sexual satisfaction with an aspie partner. I hope this posting helps with your research. I have been working with special needs folks, particularly seniors with dementia, for many years. I am hyperintuitive which is why this population of folks is so easy to work with…I am passionately addicted to working with these people, their families, and our caregivers as an educator and program coordinator! That being said, I quickly noticed behaviors in my boyfriend that were mirroring those common to autistic children I had worked with. Childish giggling that seems forced and inappropriate, lip pursing and finger tapping on his lips while blowing air, spastic mannerisms/body language, awkward gait, head whipping, speech impediments like dropping “h” in words like hello, heat, heart, etc., stunted pausing while speaking and over pronunciation of certain vowel and consonant sounds. Sexually, he has childish mannerisms to how he “plays” with my breasts or clitoris…quickly slapping or jiggling me like a little boy who is discovering “boobies” for the first time. It has been awkward and even painful, especially when he inverts, bites, or scatches my nipples; not realizing these behaviors are anything but pleasurable. All this to say that making love is challenging. As I explained to another post, sex was wonderful in the beginning of our relationship! We were passionately touching, kissing, grabbing, licking, and stroking all parts of each others bodies until we were thoroughly exhausted! Though climax is difficult for him, 8 times out of 10 he would reach it! I was reaching climax 1 out of 5 times…which is a fabulous improvement over past relationships where I wasn’t gettin’ there unless I got myself there. He was so hot and really setting my world on fire. Fast forward to a year and a half later…we make love every day (either at night before we fall asleep or in the morning as we wake up together; sometimes both). He still climaxes 6-8 times out of every ten, but I nologer come anywher close unless I masturbate after he leaves the room. I have tried masturbating during sex to encourage him to touch me and I have even put his hand in place of mine with a hand-over-hand continuation of the play, but he pulls his hand away. I am now the only one offering manual and oral stimulation of “hot spots”. He will caress my back while in the spooning position, but he nolonger stimulates my breasts or clitoris/vagina with his hands or anything else. I enjoy being close to him and holding him…but I am beginning to feel undesireable and sexually frustrated. This brings me to your posts today! He doesn’t know that he has aspergers and is not open to discuss these issues. He has demonstrated unusually emotional responses (tears) when watching movies or tv shows where boys do feminine things like strive to dance ballet (Billy Elliot is one of his favorite movies), or sing opera (recent America’s got talent competitor). I thought maybe he was surpressing gay tendencies…but he called me crazy. I questioned him about his “bed humping” issue that would occur 20 minutes after he would fall asleep or as he would come out of sleep in the morning. He denied ever doing it (despite leaving semen on the sheets and my presence while it was happening). This phenomenon nolonger occurs when I am with him. But, since we nearly broke up permanently over the discussion of gay tendencies…I have never been able to address the likelihood of Aspergers. I love him, and I will keep searching for peaceful solutions to our relationship issues. I hope this was helpful to your research.
I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. He recently ended it saying he doesn’t believe he feels the right kind of emotions for me. There is something I don’t understand. Our sex life was fraught: he never seemed terribly interested, never took the initiate, only really orgasmed if I helped him along manually – and it took ages and he’d lose his erection often. Actual intercourse was a rarity because he would lose his erection on approaching intercourse. Apparently, he was able to have intercourse with his girlfriend before me. So, I conclude that he simply doesn’t fancy me. Can an Aspie bring it about with some women but not others? I don’t understand. I feel utterly unattractive and unappealing.
I think its possible for all people to have issues getting it up with some people verses others… different strokes for different folks you know?
I can tell you right now that my wife and I have been married for going on 5 years, but because she needs to physically touch me I get easily overstimulated, and as such I just can’t maintain an erection or finish strong, we didn’t have this problem as much earlier in our relationship as far as I can remember, but it’s considerably more of a problem now, because of the difficulties we’ve had in the past few years. I wouldn’t blame yourself, It really could have entirely been him. But sometimes we just don’t know how to communicate it!!!
what a wonderful resource, to be able to find people in similar situations. I’m in a fairly new relationship with an undiagnosed asbie. Sex has been wonderful, but somewhat different than my past experiences. That pretty much rings true for all aspects of the relationship. We both enjoy intercourse but he has not had an orgasm that way, he can go for a long time, but says sometimes even during sex he becomes to tensed up intwenally
It’s so amazing to hear all of your stories. I too am dating a guy just newly diagnosed with Aspergers, we have been together (officially) for 10 months but dating on and off for around three years. He’s completely different to anyone i’ve ever met before. When we first had sex our relationship was difficult, but since we took the chance to become partners it has greatly improved, and he is really an amazing caring guy. I guess our problems stem mostly from more typical issues, like his need for sex, his sexual appetite is far greater than my own and i have trouble keeping up. He is also physically quite a big guy and i’m usually sore down there five minutes into intercourse, even after foreplay. Overall we both try not to get too hung up on sex, as well as try to communicate as much as possible about what we like. And the best thing is, even if one of us gets it wrong we just laugh about it and move on. I remember one of my fondest memories is when he asked me if i wanted to try dirty talk, apparently he had been reading up about it online. I agreed, wanting to be open and encouraging to try new things, but when we were having sex, him being an aspie, what was meant to turn me on just cracked me up. Because he was just so literal with everything he said, I felt like I was in biology or sex ed class. That was hard for us because he couldn’t understand why i laughed, but I just kissed him and we talked about it and worked it out. But to me these things are truly why i love him, because i am just as awkward, socially and sexually, as he is. I think good communication is definitely essential, if you can’t be completely honest with each other it’s time to start, it’s the only way two people can make sure both of their needs are met.
I’ve tried to get over it by having sex as much as possible. unfortunately i have to be drunk to be passably sociable enough to do this with anyone so the trouble is that i don’t remember in the morning. help please?
What sort of social problems are you having?
This blog is fascinating. I dated someone with – undiagnosed – Asperger. I could never understand why he seemed so panic-stricken at the thought of intercourse. Having said that, we always had a really enjoyable time pleasuring one another – and that was always enough. Intercourse was ocassional.
But we are no longer together and I suffer still. We have remained friends. I love him dearly, and I have told him as much, but he doesn’t believe he has the right kind of feelings for me and blows hot and cold. How would he know if he did, though? I suppose, like anyone, if he had any feelings for me he’d know it. I like this blog. I find it comforting.
Truthfully, As an aspie, I can tell you that I can’t clearly tell whether I love my wife or if I feel sorry for her, I’m afraid to be alone, and feel obligated to stick in my marriage.
The one thing I can tell you is for me the signals are very confusing, and I constantly wish I had a better understanding of what it’s like to be Neurotypical: like my wife, you, and the other people without Aspergers / Autism
Thank you so much for this. I recently got involved with a man who has had AS since childhood. We have just gotten to the point of being much closer, as our feelings are clearly progressing. He explained the AS from the start, so at least I knew enough to talk about, well, everything with him. I am so happy someone has written this- it has helped tremendously.
I am with a man that after, doing the research on aspergers, I think that this is him to the T. We have been married for 12 years and i get so upset that he doesn’t want sex like I do, I mean he is a man he should want it all the time! I always have to initiate, I always have to bug him about it. He gives me his full undivided attention when we are having sex, but that is the only time. There have been times when he has no problem getting hard, but if there is a noise or something out of the ordinary happens and he gets distracted, he can’t get off. Ofcouse I thought it was me that I wasn’t satisfying him or doing something wrong, because I was a virgin when I got with him. Everyone told me it wasn’t me, but thats hard to believe when I am constantly getting rejected. I am so glad I found this posting, I feel so much better, I thought about ignoring him and not trying to get sex untill he initiates but I have learned from this that he wouldn’t notice and would probably get to a point where we never have sex. Thank you, what a relief.
I wonder to myself if I will experience this ever again. Seems like it is God’s will to keep me out of the relationship arena! Will forever be standing in awe of Jerry and Mary Newport and their remarrying in 2001 after their divorce from their initial marriage in June 1999.
I kinda feel better now, my bf has aspergers, and he’s constantly blaming himself and saying “there must be something wrong with me” and I’m doing the same, and all along its because of this.. :S
Just don’t know how to approach him about it now, I know he’s sensitive about having the condition, no idea how he’ll take the fact I’ve looked it up on the net.. :/
Hopefully, he’ll take it as evidence of how much you care for him and want to learn how to make your relationship better. Emphasize that when you start talking about this. I also think it’s very important that you both try to stop blaming him for the difficulties connected to his Aspergers. It’s not his fault that his brain works differently than you expect. Blaming only gets in the way of real communication, which is difficult enough in an Aspergers relationship. My advice is to be as open and honest as possible about what you want and how you feel, but make sure to give him time and encouragement to express himself similarly. If you can manage to also be loving and generous and non-judgmental at the same time, even better.
Best of luck to you both!
By saying “I was doing the same” I meant I was blaming myself, he was blaming himself cause neither of us knew what was causing the issues. but we have talked about it all now, and it seems to have helped things.
This is a wonderful site here really! I am probably an undiagnosed aspie. I am still not sure but my symptoms might show Asperger’s syndrome. I am a teacher at two high schools. I can never learn the names of the kids. I just learn the names of those that prove to be more prominent in some way than others. Nobody really understands how I can teach kids for more years and not learn their names. When we have school leaving examinations in april and may each year some teachers are asigned as guards on corridors to make sure other kids do not disturbe those who are making their examinations. Almost everyone of my colleagues hate having this job since they find it boring. I love it! I can read books, think a lot a write hours and hours and just be by myself and feel great. I have had many relationships and it dawned on me quite soon that I am sexually almost disfunctional. This has always been a stumbling block in all my relationships. I just knew one girl who really “could do it with me” as she was very caring and patient with me. I have a great memory and do not find it hard at all to memorize things. However, things that I memorize are not practical things. I have recently memorized 250 digits of pi with much ease. It was not difficult for me at all. I have a wonderful talent for languages. I study three languages at the same time and find it really very easy. I can focus on particular things very very much indeed and then everything else is lost for me. I speak very fast and I am pretty sociable but I know and feel that I am not as easy with people as others are. I never forget anything that I learn and find interesting. Kids at schools always wonder how I can know so many things of so diverse fields. Please write to me if you have any suggestions. I would appreciate it very much. Thank you.
I find that I have no problem reaching climax, but I find NO ENJOYMENT AT ALL IN THE PROCESS, For me sex is the job I hate the most, I have experienced it with my wife and one other person, and I find No Enjoyment from it in any way shape or form, the only enjoyment I find with it is if I get my wife to climax, but the only reason I do it is because she wants to give birth to 2 kids, (We’ve had 3 Miscarriages, and 1 still birth so far, but found the causes for them), I’m really glad I found this blog as well, because I’m glad to hear that it’s not just me, This makes my life much easier understanding that other people go through this as well
I am a nineteen year old girl with Aspergers syndrome. I have been sexually active on and off since I was sixteen. I enjoy sex, I enjoy getting my partner to climax it is something I have always liked doing. The issue is that when guys turn it around on me and want to please me they can’t, because I have never orgasmed not even by myself. It isn’t like I havent tried its just that it doesnt seem to happen, and of course boys get bored and move on from the idea. I think I have been relitively close at times but i just cant let go. I get so overwhelmed that I freak out a little (or a lot). I am now sleeping with someone who wont give up he is as stubborn as anything. It is good to know I am not alone with the difficulty of getting there but I want to know if anyone can help. How do you get past the overwhelmed feeling? How do you let go? Please help
You guys are lucky you actually get to have sex, and not a 56 year old virgin who never even kissed a girl like me.
I’ve been married for 15 years, and my husband was just recently diagnosed with mild asperger’s. Throughout our entire marriage, sex has only been about 12-15 times a year. He seems to really enjoy it, but I never understood why it was so infrequent. Also, he keeps his eyes shut tight. I am an attractive and sexual woman. He rarely would cuddle afterward, but has recently improved this. Sex is never ever during the week; weekends only. In thinking about it, I think he may have faked orgasm but I’m not sure. When we were first together, a lot of the time he’d just go on his back and I’d do all the work. I used to think that was so incredibly odd and so incredibly selfish. We see a sex counselor, who is quite expensive, but it’s not helping because my husband doesn’t really feel comfortable talking about sex or the Asperger’s. I really feel like I’m at a loss. I love him, but all these years before the Asperger’s diagnosis has harmed my self esteem.
I am curious to hear other’s thoughts.
bless you
it will continue to deterioriate your inner world, your womanhood
and your health
No amount of counseling will help…none
as you cannot rewire his brain,,,,its hard wired period
use your money to take a nice cruise or vacation and find a boyfriend
get your needs met
get YOUR needs met
get your needs met…after all..hes getting his met…right?
I think sexlife is realy complicated when you have Asperger’s syndrom! I’m maried with a verry patient man who learned that I despited been touched except at certain moment and certain way. So it get verry compicated! At least he is verry straight forward when it comes to intimacy because I’m unabale to read most of his cue. Of course once you passed a certain level in intercourse it’s fantastique. But to get there is sometime a sensory overload!
Is it normal for someone with Aspergers to feel repulsed by sexual intercourse? I’ve been seeing this guy I’ve know forever and he is really, really into foreplay and pleasing me, he likes to hug and cuddle a lot and I love it. I’d go so far to say he is some what of a molester in the touchy felly department which I rather enjoy. Here I think, “wow, this is great, a guy who is expressing how important it is to him that he pleases me… how rare”. What’s weird is that from the moment he did, he was more intuitive with my body than most. Then when we have sex, (later he admits that he can’t tell when he is going to ejaculate) and does an inappropriate thing. The worst part is he feels nauseous, runs away and vomits afterwards.
I can’t wrap my mind around it. How can a man be so into the smell of a woman, and yet repulsed by putting himself inside her at the same time? I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 7 and am currently 32. One Doctor tried to tell me I had Aspergers, but I pretty much dismissed it. Im a very sexual person, and this is not the first Aspie I’ve been mutually attracted to like this. This is happening way too much to me. I need some insight on this….
I find sex a wonderful relief from the chaotic stimulation and stressors of my world. It floods my senses and drowns everything else out, and there is nothing in the world except me and my wife. Kind of like having the fan on during a summer night keeps drowns out the sound of crickets and traffic.
Two problems:
First, keep myself from masturbating excessively in attempts to drown out overstimluation
Second, fix the relationship with my wife, so that when we are together I know that the “only other person in the world (at that moment)” is someone who loves and accepts me.
Psych, you’ve given me a little bit of hope. I am seeing a guy who is much younger than I am. He’s 26 and I’m pretty much the most intimate relationship he’s had. He loves the fact that I love him, although it has taken a while to convince him how I feel. He said once he knew ‘someone like me’ could love him, nothing else mattered.
We have been slowly building towards being more intimate, but he seems to cope better talking about it that actually doing it. I have taken it very slow and tell him everything that will happen first, so i don’t freak him out. He is small and very self-conscious about it, and has usually had a few drinks when we’ve been together, so nothing much is going to happen for him. He has yet to have an erection when we’re in bed together, but he still likes the feeling of me doing things to him, without having the pressure of getting hard or having sex. But I get the feeling he sometimes masturbates before he sees me, and don’t know how to bring that up without embarrassing him.
He is romantic, attentive and loves touching and being touched. It seems when he is with me and we are touching, his mind is quiet and he is so much clearer headed and he really loves how that feels.
He talks so much about wanting to have a complete physical relationship, but the only girl he’s been with seems to have made him feel inadequate. I’d say that was her own lack of experience, not just him.
I think he is like you, when we are alone it’s like the outside stimuli disappears for him, and he is so amazed still that I love and accept him for who he is.
Thanks for sharing your story.
What a blessing finding this site was! For 30+ years my husband and I struggled with his little idiosyncracies, including his lack of sex drive. For the last 10 years of our marriage, sex never occurred, not because I wasn’t willing to try, but because HE wasn’t interested or able (so he told me). About 7 years ago I had an epiphany when the hallmarks of AS were detailed in a novel I was reading. When I showed this excerpt to my ex, even he agreed that this Asperger description characterized him to a “T”. The more I researched AS, the more convinced I became that this condition could be at least partially responsible for our paltry sex life. But what bothered me more than his diminuitive sex drive was his interest in unorthodox pornography. Over our years together, I stumbled across caches of pornography that he had downloaded from virtually every media source. I can handle garden variety pornography, but the day I happened across copious bestiality and golden showers CDs, I was literally repulsed, and felt betrayed, especially because his interest in this stuff was exclusive of, not peripheral to, “normal” sex. Although we’ve since divorced, I’m still struggling to understand if his “species preference” is symptomatic of just another AS quirk or if the guy’s problem go deeper than any AS idiosyncracy. Thx.
hi,
I have met this guy whom I suspect has Aspergers, I do know that he also suffers from depression, we met in Feb this year and have seen each other a couple times, I really really like me a lot, but he is emotionally detached, he told me so too, which was obviously hurtful. He has pleased me to no end sexually, but he cant seem to get aroused himself, it does not bother me at all, he tells me that it worries him to no end and has also told me he is trying to get over an ex from 3 years ago, whether this is true or not, I dont care, I just cant read him and its frustrating, I seem to have to make all the contact etc, he responds, he comes over, but I am finding it so hard to back off sexually as I have an extremely high sex drive. I know he has a “naughty” side to him when it comes to sex, but it seems as if its all done on the internet and also him pleasing himself sexually – I dont know what to do, I just cant shake him out of my system and dont know how to approach him as to whether he even likes me or not – I am, like I said, trying to take it slow and build up a friendship and trust from his side, I am not even 100% sure he has Aspergers, but the more I read about it, the more convinced I am that he does. Any advice here would be so helpful, am I wasting my time completely, or do I hold onto hope that he even cares, I dont know, I am so confused and not sure what to do. When I do touch him, there is no response at all – I dont get it. thanks
I am so glad that I am not on my own, I feel very lost and empty right now, I have been married for eleven years, to an undiagnosed Aspie, our son has been diagnosed with NLD which is very similar to AS and most of the symptoms are the same. I haven’t had sex for three years, my husband won’t talk about it, I think if I even mentioned counselling he would freak out. He doesn’t have much enthusiasm for anything really and sometimes he is so uptight when we go out that I don’t enjoy myself anyway. I love him dearly and I would never ever leave him and in many othere ways I feel very connected to him. When we met our sex life was very fulfilling but over the years it just seemed to dwindle, I kept thinking it was his age (he is 50, I am 42) but I think its more to do with his AS Symptoms, I am very loving and undersanding and patient, I understand especially having raised a child with a similar condition, but I just feel empty……there is a huge void in my life and I just don’t know how to fix it.
I’ve always felt like a freak because I couldn’t climax during sex (it’s even hard to come when I masturbate). My husband is a sweet, loving man, but he has ED problems due to his medications (high blood pressure, depression), and he had no idea how to help me. So basically we just gave up on sex a long time ago. I only recently learned about AS, and this explains a lot about my life and my problems (not just in bed!). Also, I have ADHD, which makes it hard to focus on what’s happening during sex; my mind tends to wander off into a zillion irrelevant by-ways, and my building orgasm just sort of withers away. THANK YOU for your frankness about your own sexual problems, and thanks to everyone who commented; I really appreciate it, as it makes me feel less of a freak. One thing that puzzles me: I’m over-sensitive to touch, but, in sex, wouldn’t that be a GOOD thing???
i suspect that my husband has asperger’s syndrome,maybe. he rarely have passion for sex. he also ejaculates prematurely. he prefers 2 positions only. i think i’m getting bored with our sex life. sometimes i cry because i think he is not interested in me anymore.sometime a whole week can pass without us having sex at all.he is also very insensitive.i had past boyfriends and i could really feel their passion.but with my husband,i am confused on how to understand him….i try to talk to him and he says he loves me very much.but i just dont feel it.i have done everything just to make our marriage work.but he just doesnt mind…..we have been for 4 years now,blessed with one child.
Hi all, nice to read something about asbergers…
I found this page since I am a bit of a loss of what to do, I am in the start of a relatioship with a girl whom told me to be diagnistized with AS, albeit only lightly.
Generally we talk nice, do stuff together and have fun, and then it comes to the sex – we have not really had sex yet – since when we try and get naked, I become hesitant – when I caress her and stuff, and asks if it is okay, she tells me yes, but she really dosent respond to my physical stimulation – and then I get like, I feel wrong since Id like her to participate more… From what I read here, I will try to talk to her about it, perhaps it will help – but it sure isnt easy…. And I like her so much….
For years and years I never knew what the problem was with my husband when it came to sex. For alot of these years I blamed myself asking myself what was wrong with me and why I was never able to help my husband attain what he needed in bed. Now, just recently, I realize that my husband has Asperger’s. All symptoms are him to a tee. The sex part was really, really hard especially when I wanted a child, and he just could NEVER make it happen. I still hate that part of my life and blamed mostly him and some of myself for years. Now, I blame Asperger’s. I’m just not sure how much longer I can live without the “connection”. Hate it.
I truly understand the frustration of living without that “connection.” It is like that for me, too. Although I love my aspie husband, it is so emotionally unfulfilling and empty. My heart hurts and the loneliness can be unbearable. I wish I had someone to talk to who could understand, but unless a person has had a relationship with an aspie, they just don’t get it. Finding this site may be the answer to my prayers.
Hi. You are not alone… My heart goes out to you as I have experienced the same issues. Praying helps me..it’s worth a few minutes a day. My best wishes!!
WOW! What a blessing to have found you guys! I have been married to my aspie husband for over two years. He has never been officially diagnosed but when we started dating, I knew there was something really special and different about him. He counts the syllables in the licence plates of every car we pass! (16′s are really lucky! LOL) I did lots of research and read lots of books until I solved the riddle: aspergers. We dated for a few years and even tho we occasionally had sex, I could tell it wasn’t easy for him. The night before we got married, we had sex for the last time. I was very upset. None of the books I had read had said anything about difficulties with sex! I thought it was me. After a few weeks, I brought it up and he told me not to make a big deal about it. After a few months, I brought it up and said a switch had turned off in his head. It’s now been a few years and if it wasn’t for the fact that he LOVES to cuddle, I don’t think I would be able to bear the lack of physical affection. Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had surgery. Now he has NO sensations at all. I am afraid that is the end of my sex life forever. It makes me very sad. But I am so glad to know that it wasn’t just me. I spent years wondering what I had done to “turn him off” so completely. I can’t tell you how much better I feel after reading the postings from all of you.
okay Zack thank you for this article! i stumbled upon it because my dad recommended it, but im kinda of different and i myself am not sure how this can relate to anything about sex? but for about the past 7 years ive wanted to be female and i never knew what was causing it. so i feel that my aspergers may have type of role to play in it but after telling my parents about it all and i feel better about telling them. but they’ve known ive had aspergers for quite awhile so any advice on what to do? i still feel like i should be female but i don’t know what to do.. anyone have any advice to this or am i just left in the dark here?
also to add i feel quite alone a lot of the times and sometimes i feel my Friends do not understand me and its frustrating to me..
Wow. I don’t know if finding out that this sexual oddity is just another symptom of Asperger’s is a blessing or a curse. My husband of 30 years has Aspergers, diagnosed last year when I got to the point I couldn’t take the emotional distance any more. He’s never been interested in sex, although he has forced himself to go ahead and do it once in a while, and we had that problem of him never climaxing. Then out of the blue a few months ago, he suddenly developed what I imagined a normal male sex drive would be, and we had a glorious ten days (nights) of passion. Then it ended suddenly and now we don’t even have the monthly sex we used to have, and when he tries to please me, he wilts almost immediately so I am more frustrated than ever. Because our ten-day love affair proved to me that he is physically capable of it, and it woke up feelings in me that I thought had died after nearly thirty years of a platonic marriage, and now I have to throw ice water on those feelings again. I tried a natural aphrodisiac on him once : )
and it seemed to make everything worse. Now that I know it’s the Asperger’s, I feel better thinking that I am not repulsive to him, but there also seems to be no hope that I will ever be desirable to my husband in that way. He says he loves me, but I need that “connection” with him. Has anyone found any hope yet?
yes, i’ve found the answer to a sexless marriage with an aspie: open marriage. cheat. whatever. tell him he’s free to be with anyone else and then go have some fun. i told my husband that his asking me not to have sex for the rest of my life just to be with him is incredibly selfish. we all only have one life to live to spend it forever depressed. my husband has accepted the terms as long as i don’t get too close to anyone else and leave him. now that my husband knows i wont be expecting sex from him because im getting it somewhere else, he’s more affectionate because he’s not nervous i’m going to try to take it further.
I’m a 27 year old undiagnosed Aspergian, genderqueer, and pansexual. I’ve had trouble with ED with my partners since I became sexually active at 16. I’ve also experienced minor gender dysphoria as long as I can remember, although this remitted with the onset of puberty. The first time I had intercourse was with my girlfriend of a year and she had been expressing that she didn’t sense that I loved her, that I was using her for our physical(hormonal) relationship. Her libido was definitely much higher than mine. This led to a few incidents of trouble with adults, which I was automatically blamed for as the (biological)male.
As far as I can tell, my trouble never arose as a result of sensory issues. It has mostly been due to anxiety, even with someone with whom I had shared my life with for a considerable amount of time.
Shortly after my last major relationship ended, the gender dysphoria returned and I had a homosexual experience. Then I started playing World of Warcraft, which exacerbated my social anxiety and buried my gender dysphoria. I stopped caring about relationships altogether.
Now, I’m back in school, which leaves no room for WoW. My social anxiety is getting better, but due to gender dysphoria, I’m not sure what the future holds regarding relationships or sex. I’ve considered hormone replacement therapy and/or orchidectomy, which would eliminate sex as a factor altogether. It’s really tough living on 3 different spectrums (4 if you include “expression”). Every day is different when you are dealing with variations of gender, sexual orientation, and neurodiversity.
I’m a 30-something year old man, married for 4 years, and although undiagnosed, probably have aspergers.
Many of the posts above ring true, echoing the (lack of) sex life my wife and I have. We have sex occassionally (once a month if lucky) and my main purpose of this is to make her happy – I love her to bits, and want to be able to provide her with the bedroom love she deserves. However, I have a big problem being able to initiate such occasions, and when she tries to initiate I respond negatively without even thinking. I would welcome any suggestions in how to make my lovelly fantastic wife happy in this area?
I’m usually too concerned about having enough time, or housework that needs to be done, or playing sport the next day …. the list goes on. ii) Not being distracted (mentally) during the sex, by anything from the sum of the numbers on the clock LED, to wondering what next Sunday’s lunch is likely to be. iii) Finding the time, preparation and situation to initate something myself, when it isn’t coming naturally, and iv) and this is the hardest one – believing it is ok to be who I am, and also believing it is ok to try and be someone I’m not and instigate sex.
Help. please.
Wow – just read this. I have never been diagnosed with asperger’s but it has been suggested to me that I might be, also by one girl who I had a brief sexual relationship with, she told me I was satisfying but cold and distant during the sex, though much warmer afterwards.
I have exactly the same problem, and the same motivations as the original poster. It takes me forever to climax, and often I don’t. However, what I crave in sex is often not the sex itself, but the intimacy and self disclosure afterwards, which I can’t get at other times or with people I am not sexually involved with. Some girls think it’s great, the duracell, the guy who just keeps on going, but really I find it distressing. I find M’s comment above so interesting – getting distracted by the sum of the digits on the clock, I have exactly the same deal! I think about designs of computer programs or optimisation problems when I’m having sex, I can’t even seem to help it.
Most of my relationships have been very intense, short, and ended baldy because of misunderstandings. They do seem to happen frequently, but I can never instigate sexual contact, or even just holding hands, I can only reciprocate even if I’m longing just to touch the girl. Sometimes on seeing a girl for the first time after the first sexual contact I will act reserved, unsure if it’s understood mutually that more sexual contact should ensue. Once I took a 5 hour trip to see a girl I had been sleeping with in my home city while she was staying, and honestly had to wait for her to kiss me before making a move, because I was afraid it might backfire! Does any of this go through your minds? Any of it sound at all familiar?! Thanks!
R
painfully familiar…
it might be merciful not to make a woman live through this
get counselingmaybe you can “learn” some new ways of “being”
but is a normal woman is with you,,,she willbe misrable all the days of her life
and that just not fair,…or your right….to take a womans whole life away
which for a woman is her realtionbships….aspies dont do realtionships
be honest
Thank you. You might’ve saved my lovelife. I love my gf but sex is hyperstimulating and that’s tricky.
what to say.
have been dating a man (we are both older) for a couple of months and basically he is an aspie, but in denial (at least to me).
the sex part is ok for now, we both have fun, but i hope it doesnt wane in time. i know from a previous marriage that once sex is gone i will wander elsewhere, i just can’t feel fullfilled without it.
the hardest part for me is the lack of attention. i seriously miss being told i look nice, or that he likes what i’m wearing, or that i smell nice, or even any interest in what i am doing. he literally seems completely disinterested in me at all. this hurts me to the core and made me feel for the first few months that he was just using me. now i realize that he is aspie it all makes sense, but can i live without it in my relationship? i dont know.
(of course, i realize i have not listed the positives here – without them there would be no relationship and no point! and yes, there are many).
here are questions i want to ask my aspie man, but can’t because he is in denial and will push me away:
is this something you can learn?
how would it feel to you to have a list of things you could say like “you look nice today” or “what did you do today” or “your hair smells nice”
i swear this would make so much difference and make me SO happy, even if i knew it was pre-learned, and even if i wasn’t looking nice that day. i don’t think any man should ever under estimate how important that is to a woman. we put in so much effort physically to attract men, and look our best for them and ourselves, it is a huge part of being female. our men would not be attracted to us if we didnt, so we know that you appreciate it, but its something we need to hear.
can it be learned?
good luck to everyone out there and than god for the internet.
Juniper, I feel your pain. I’m in my 40s, and with a 26 y o aspie guy. Well, sometimes I’m with him, depending on whether he’s decided i can do better and pushed me away again lol.
I have never been married, although I have had relationships and have 2 teenage children living elsewhere. I have a relatively high sex drive when I’m in a relationship, but don’t go looking for it unless there’s feelings attached. I know one of the things my guy feels is that he is not enough for me. He is still a virgin, and loves the feelings connected with being touched etc but is very nervous about size and performance, when we finally get around to ‘it’. I have to remind him every day that sex is only one part of a relationship.
I guess what you need to look at with your guy is beyond the compliments etc that you’re used to expecting. I haven’t had that in my life very often, so I find the ‘out of the blue’ comments my guy makes very endearing, although they are few and far between. I know I’m attractive and I’m happy with who I am and how I present myself, though
As far as putting some ‘pre-learned’ thoughts out there, you can only give it a try. Not so much to say that you think he has AS, but just that you’re asking him to consider how happy it would make you if he said these things. It’s been my experience that my guy WANTS me to be happy, but he knows he needs me to explain what I want. We compared it to ‘showing the working’ on a sum, because he can’t work it out in his head unless I explain the steps and the ‘why’.
Let’s face it, lots of regular guys never say all the things we wish they would. But I find my Aspie guy says things that are more genuine and meaningful to me, because he is being honest and spontaneous.
As a woman, it can be hard to explain what you want and why you want it, but explaining how these little comments will make you feel may ease his feeling that you are telling him he has a problem. My guy had been told he was supposed to hold a girl all night if he was sleeping with her, which led to his not sleeping at all the first night because he thought every time I moved he had to wrap himself around me! So I needed to explain that it is nice to cuddle and kiss, but he still could roll over and sleep. We make sure our feet or legs touch, and he feels he is still doing the right thing
Obviously I don’t know you, so I apologise if this comes out wrong. I wonder if you are putting too much emphasis on being physically attractive and not as much on him being attracted to your heart and personality? Physicality and a lot of other social norms are not so important to these guys. Our age difference, for instance, doesn’t bother him the way it might bother a ‘normal’ guy. Maybe you are used to guys looking at your outer beauty, and this one is looking at you on a different level? I don’t know, I’m just throwing it out there. I have learnt that my self-esteem can’t rely on anyone else’s opinion. If you are happy with who you are and how you look, I’d say just explain to him that it’s important for you to hear those words from him once in a while.
Even if it feels a bit false as you have asked him, it’s still going to be special when he remembers to say it, and that will show he is thinking about your feelings.
Good luck! These relationships are always going to be a bit extra tricky, but for myself I know that the pluses still outway the minuses
anyone can “learn ” a script
and no, I couldnt live with someone who has a list of pe-learned things to say
what you may want to consider is why this is ok with you
seriously
Val, you’ve had a bad experience.
It doesn’t mean everyone else’s will be the same. Everyone has problems. Sometimes you can’t get round them, and then it’s a matter of how they weigh against the good stuff. Sometimes, you can get round them, and you find new ways as a couple, and are strengthened from it. Seeing as you don’t know these people, I think your ‘advice’ is very unhelpful.
H
I was diagnosed last year with aspergers & ADD it explains so much the way people always thought I was weird, as most of my family have undiagnosed aspergers it made it harder for me to realize something was up. Luckily I’m close to my mother which helped as I was bullied a lot in school.
I somehow managed to get through my degree and now am in process of a masters, which was the reason I got tested as I needed an extension.
I have a bf (my first and only who I’ve been with for a long time now) and used be able to enjoy sex (first few years we were together) to some extent but now I get bored in the middle or find it painful (been to a doctor and she just says its stress but surely one who is able to do something one year and then can’t would be concerned) I’ve read that many people with this condition are the opposite to this.
Why a guy would stay with someone who he is barely able to have sex with is beyond me, we have thought of breaking up several times not due to sex just we argued a lot over basically nothing.
I was thought properly when younger about sex and stuff like that but honestly I just don’t have the interest in it.
I often wonder what he thinks of the way I act, I have a poor temper which I’ve since learned is an unfortunate side affect of this illness I feel depressed / sad for no apparent reason.
I do wonder if he’ll consider finding someone new as he barely sees me at times, I still live at home and he’s in another part of the country from me.
I’m lucky in the sense that because I worked in a shop during school holidays for several years I’ve learned the small talk thingy to some extent and can make conversation with strangers once I find a common ground say in a pet store or game shop two interests of mine.
Well, that makes SO much sense! My husband of 17 years is almost certainly Aspie (as is one of our children) and this is so similar to our experience. For years I had to make do with a response of “plus” to any question of how I looked/had done etc, and he would never have volunteered an opinion. Emotions and feelings were alien to him, and while our sex life was “normal” in the beginning, it has all but disappeared now via a long valley of him never being able to climax and me feeling terrible about it. To be honest I rarely think about sex these days (and cervical cancer has added to my physical reluctance) so it’s not much of an issue.
He has learnt a lot about his own feelings with me (in my family we wear our hearts on our sleeves, so once he got over the shock of that, he began to explore the locked rooms inside himself) and will happily comment on my hair, makeup, clothes etc (and has even been known to notice a new top or haircut!)
He is beginning to accept that he probably has Asperger’s, and it is making a really positive difference to our lives. He found this blog and shared it with me, we’ve been discussing the article and the comments, and it’s like a veil of doubt and insecurity has been lifted. I always found it hard to accept that I wasn’t to blame for his lack of sexual function, but he always maintained that he enjoyed making me happy and didn’t mind that he didn’t reach climax.
Now if only I could encourage him to develop cognitive skills involving tidying up as he goes along and drawing logical conclusions, life would be perfect
I’m glad I happened to stumble across this website. I have been dating an aspie for almost 3 years now, and didn’t realize it until a few months ago. It has been such a huge eye opening experience. It runs in his family and his great grandfather had it, his grandfather had it, his great uncle has it, and his dad also has it. It has been a huge blessing to know that the issues that we were having were not because he was cold and heartless, but rather he had the inability to communicate what was going on inside his head. It’s a constant struggle to work through the different quirks, but I look at it as an opportunity to love him in a bigger way. I look forward to learning as much as I can about aspies and how to make his life a little easier.
Reading all of this has both been a sense of relief and a little bit made me scared. I have been married for less than 2 years and never understood why my husband and I cannot have a normal sex life. We were both virgins when we got married. And there have been so many times where I would just constantly cry feeling unwanted. I tried so many things like spending so much money on lingerie talking to him about how much it hurts that he doesn’t desire me. I know he loves me and once he cried when we tried having sex because he didn’t understand what was wrong with him and he wanted to make me happy.
Just these yesterday I started reading about asperger’s syndrome and I am almost 100% certain that my husband has it. He obsesses on certain topics and is incapable of having an intellectual easy flowing conversation. He speaks loudly above people and is clumsy.
For this entire time I have been married I feel like I have been put in a dark hole and I am hurt and lonely and confused. I know that I am not unattractive and I know he is not gay or cheating on me. I know that he knows he has a problem but we just don’t know what. I love him so much and I know he loves me. He is such a good person and I would do anything for him. I emailed our therapist and asked him if he thought my husband may have asperger’s syndrome. I haven’t brought it up to my husband yet.
It makes me scared because I feel he has it and I wonder will we ever have the marriage I always dreamed of having? A husband who desires me, children and etc? Thank you for all of your posts it’s really been helpful.
Look the best thing you are doing is exploring AS so that you are empowered with the syndrome but there will come a time where you will look at the crystal ball and say is it worth it? I am a Reiki healer and find it difficult but he does love it when i treat him. That’s my only salvation! Search for a therapist who has experience in this area before making moves…..this is very important all others are a waster of time in my opinion.
Namaste,
D
THANK GOD FOR THIS STORY and the posts that have been submitted!!!!!! I have been working in the field of special education and adults with disabilities (specializing in ASD) for over 10 years and thought I was well-informed. Then, I fell in love with a man with Asperbergers. We just moved in together and my life has flipped upside down! He is kind, caring, generous, supportive, and, yes. Aspie. When we have sex it is soooo not like what we talked about before we ever had a physical relationship. I am so grateful for everyone’s candor-I thought I was literally losing my mind. I know now that I need to re-frame my thinking and approach intimacy very differently than “*I* couldn’t get him to orgasm so it is my failure”. It has really been hurting both of us. Again, thank you all for being so real. You just kept me from leaving a wonderful man because I thought I failed him.
life is never perfect
not here on earth anyway
I wish you the best
but you cannot rewire his brain
be greatful he has come as far as he has
it wouldnt be enough for me..but it sounds like your happy..and thats what counts
dont ever ask too much of an aspie
or you will lose what progress he has already made…and even that is “learned”
but if t suits you…thats wonderful
stop with the “perfect’…just stop
Wow, firstly thanks so much to everyone who has made comment. Two and a half years ago, while going through a divorce, I met the wonderful and wonderfully frustrating man I am now living with. It has been a long journey of ups and down. He has taught me so many things but most of all he has calmed me down. There is no formal diagnosis, however I suspect his parents realise he may have some form of mild Aspergers. He says he just likes routine in his life.
We have a great sex life and he always puts my needs before his own, however, there is a real lack of intimacy in that department, for which I crave. Earlier this year we fell pregnant, being 43 , I was in shock and Matt was full of fear. In time he became excited and started to plan well into the future, even picking names. We lost the baby at 3 months and were both devastated. At that point he asked me to move in and consider having another baby, which I was more than happy to do. He never told any of his friends about the baby, but suggested to some of them that we were considering one. Now 6 months later, there has been little conversation about it. When I do bring it up in conversation he just stares through me like I am glass with no response, or says “right at this minute, I’m too tired for a baby”.
How do you encourage a person with Aspergers to trust and share a journey like that with you. Life just seems to float along with no clear direction. I realise that it will be me who will need to adjust and be more accepting of his inability to display his emotions, but would dearly love any advise that some of you may have on opening up his doors.
I am thirty years old and female. And my daughter, nine, has been diagnosed with Autism and Aspergers. My mother and partner have both commented on things she does that i do, and have done and after researching on the internet i have realised that i may have Aspergers. For years i felt like a freak. Unable to talk to people, panicking because i didn’t know what to say, avoiding contact with people and becoming a recluse because social things freaked me out, little things like surprises making me cry and become emotional. And sex. My whole life…..i have a high sex drive. I know how to get myself off, but….i have never orgasmed with a partner, and more than that….i think about sex, i watch porn, but i have NO desire to have sex. If that makes sense, it made me confused for years, but i’m finally understanding that it may have something to do with the AS, and for that i am relieved. Im in a relationship and while i find my partner attractive i have no desire to have sex with him at all. It frustrates him but i cannot bring myself to do it….i feel uncomfortable, and dont like being touched. Its not a pleasant experience for me, reading this has helped alot, so thankyou. Its nice to know im not as alone as i feel.
Thank you for your honesty in sharing this article. My current boyfriend has had the same difficulty attaining orgasm and often sustaining an erection because of the ‘distraction’ issue. He wasn’t honest about it and that made me feel like I was the cause or constantly doing something wrong. He also overstated his interest in sex quite early on whic only added confusion. has made sex an ‘issue’ and completely unpleasureable for me. Your article has provided a lot of clarity for me. So I thank you sincerely.
I am a 33 y/o female and am with a 34 y/o aspie male. After 2 months of no sex and the times in our 9 month relationship, sex only lasting for very few minutes, i am sitting at 2 a.m looking for some hope. i’m not sure if there is a worse feeling for a woman in her prime to feel “unwanted”. ive done my research and read pages and pages of why. i get the sennsory thing. i have the facts. most of what im reading is that i should just get used to not being wanted and just to get over the rejection by someone i love so dearly. what makes me the most confused is the porn and pictures he has stacks of. i find myself wondering “well i must not be as pretty as those women”. i never want to put the thought in my head that im just giving up on him, because he cant help these things. i feel im above abandoning someone just because they have a problem. i have problems. everyone has problems and just want to feel like theyre “worth” something. im no better than he is. after reading all this i feel like im mourning the death of us. it feels like the most special, sacred thing he can give me has died.
I have a relationship with a man who has Aspergers. He experiences difficulties as far as intercourse. We solved the problem by satisfying each other in alternate ways. This works for us.
hi, im 21 and im a autistic/aspie, who has never been with a woman or the one i thought there was a relationship potential turned out to be a lie. so i have gone into a shell which getting out is a nightmare. i see some people on here who look like they are moaning that its the AS partners fault for having AS, and the relationship going to pot. well Its not in that WE ARE ALL BORN WITH IT. we cant switch it off or get rid of it cause its there UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD!!! some of us like myself, want to get rid of it cause i feel i wont be able to form sexual relationships with women ever and if thats is the case then i want not to care at all but i do too much, and it will kill me 1day i reckon.
If a man had a crush on you, then would you want to be in a sexual relationship with *him*?
Sure, his being male would be a turnoff for you (assuming you’re heterosexual instead of bisexual since you said “who has never been with a woman” instead of “who has never been with a woman or man”).
However, it’s wouldn’t be that man’s fault he’s male instead of female. MEN ARE ALL BORN WITH IT. you cant switch it off or get rid of it cause its there UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD!!!
If someone who is turned off by the behaviors caused by AS is merely “moaning,” then he or she is just as in the wrong as you would be in the wrong for being turned off by someone else being male, no more wrong or less wrong than you would be in the wrong for being turned off by someone else being male.
IRL no means no. You deserve the right to not be in a relationship with someone else who turns you off, not even if he or she can’t help it.
That’s why you shouldn’t have to be in a sexual relationship with a man who has a crush on you *and* why someone turned off by the behaviors caused by AS shouldn’t have to be in a sexual relationship with someone who does those behaviors because he or she has AS.
Hi! You ladies are a godsend!!! I want to share this with you….I have been in a relationship with my fiance for four years now. I have been living with him for one year and now I know without having an official diagnosis that he has AS. Why? Because there were so many clues that I did not pick up on in the early stages like the staring or zoning out, difficulty with being spontaneous—he had rigid schedules for everything! If I wanted to do something that was not part of the schedule, he got stressed and had a fit! We went to a bar in his hometown once and a high school friend of his whispered to me that he was “socially inept”. Now I had no idea what he was talking about but then I started remembering how he functioned in social events. His family ignores him alot during dinners or family celebrations and it always bothered me. How is it that he is now 46 years old and he doesn’t know about his odd behavior? We recently had a big fight where my left foot received a hairline fractured that had me down to 2 days at work for 2 weeks hopping around NYC. He makes insensitive comments and then says “Isn’t your foot better?” after 3.5 weeks when the healing can take up to 8 weeks according to my doctor. Whenever I am sick, I am on my own….he does not know what to do. His mom has probably told him what to do all his life! Someone gave him help along the way! Sexually, he is great and intimate but I don’t think he has had alot of sex until he met me. His father was abusive—he passed away but I think he was terrified of him but you know he is obsessed with his father. I was also wondering if he may have been sexually abused when young because his behavior is so passive when around men but with me or other females he can be aggressive. What’s up with that? It’s just alot to handle and we are trying to get therapy before I move on to marriage—–I am not feeling it these days!
Dee
Regardless of *why* he treats you that way, ask yourself “how do *I* feel about being treated this way?”
Now, you have 3 options:
a) Stay with him and continue to be treated that way
b) Stay with him and change his personality so that he doesn’t treat you that way
c) Leave him so that he doesn’t treat you that way, and either stay single or try to find someone else (I can’t promise that you *will* find someone else, since I shouldn’t make a promise for someone *else* to keep by being your next man)
IRL b) is likely impossible, just because changing *anyone* else’s personality (whether AS or NT or something else!) is likely impossible. So you really have *2* options, a) above and c) above. :/
I am a 33 y/o female, very possibly undiagnosed aspie who is recently married to a 37 y/o aspie male. He has a very healthy and high sex drive and the problems are with me. I have little to no interest in sex. I was in a sexually abusive relationship once when I was a teenager but I have gotten over most of that. It is hard for us, as two aspies, to really connect with each other and for me I need to feel connected to him before I can have sex with him. Also, I have found that when we are intimate and he is on top of me, that I feel like I am being squished or that I can’t breathe or any number of things that make me physically uncomfortable. He says it is because I don’t desire him or because I hate sex. He says I just need to take control and do what feels good to me. Unfortunately, I usually don’t have any desire to do this. I also have a problem that other people mentioned like I think about what time it is or the things I need to do the next day. Luckily we both love to be physically close to each other and cuddle. I know the problem is with me but I can’t get past the fact that I just don’t want it. I also have a hard time wanting to have sex with lights on. I do have sex with him several times a week because we are ‘supposed to’ as newly married people and because it makes him happy and because I truly do desire a ‘normal’ sexual relationship with my husband. Sometimes it can take me a while to get off, but most of the time that isn’t really a problem, the problem is that I don’t initiate sex. I have thought about going to see a marriage counselor but he thinks the issue is all about my desire. I love my husband very much and feel very alone at times as well. We argue a lot about small things as we are learning how to communicate and live together. We both often feel like we are just roommates going through the motions of daily life. I would appreciate any help that someone could offer.
” I have thought about going to see a marriage counselor but he thinks the issue is all about my desire. ”
I think that you two should see a counselor – there is at least one problem and maybe a marriage counselor could help him see what it’s like for you?
Is there any link between AS and homosexuality? Could it be possible that my AS boyfriend may be bisexual since they don’t understand boundaries and, depending on their life experiences, may have had experimentation during puberty? He tends to be very passive when interacting with the same sex.
Please, I welcome your comments!
Probably not – remember all the homosexual people in the world who don’t have AS!
reading these comments is like getting hit between the eyes. i could have written some of them myself. i wish i would have found this site a year ago. i was dating an amazing, sweet, intelligent guy, who i could not connect with emotionally or sexually. i know he loved and cared for me very much, but the sexual “drive” was not there. it made me feel unnattractive and even though he gave me many compliments and told me he was attracted to me i just did not feel it. i finally broke up with him even though he was a wonderful boyfriend. i cried so much and he even had tears in his eyes. that is the only time i ever saw him get really emotional and i was shocked because i never thought it would happen. reading these posts makes me feel relieved, sad and guilty at the same time. relieved because i finally feel like i understand – i am almost 100% sure he has aspergers. (in addition to this site i have been reading up on the symptoms and he has many of the other characteristics as well, even the facial features). guilty because i felt so frustrated with him and obsessed over my not being attractive enough for him. he treated me so well, he would have done anything for me, and i know he still misses me. it breaks my heart that he loves me and yet cannot give me what i need in a realtionship and it isn’t his fault. i was his first and only girlfriend so far and he has had very few friends throughout his life, even as a small child he had no friends except his siblings. i know we had a special connection but i felt like something was missing and i couldn’t ignore that fact. i hope he is okay and that he will find someone to share his life with, at one time i thought it would be me, but i just don’t think i can.
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